I really struggled to share at meetings for years and more often than not I would say my name and I’ll just listen tonight but it’s only recently that I’ve pushed myself to speck at every meeting I go to and now my confidence is growing but I still over think what I’m going to say and afterwards I spend way too long thinking about what I said and what I should of said anyway well done for sharing and I’m sure it will become easier for you in time
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Thanks Conor! I am sure it will get easier. I’m also an overthinker and can catch myself agonising over what I said and what I should have said. I have to learn how to let go and just talk as it comes from my heart.
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I’ve only done one in person meeting and it was as you described where we all had to share. Very scary and daunting for sure. I had to remind myself that in this setting - we are all going through the struggle of sobriety and are here to support each other. This thought helped me open up (i was shaky and really fast in my speech but I did speak and share).
Glad that you are participating and you are going to these meetings. Grateful that you are feeling better after having attended each meeting – keep kicking ass Fiona - you are doing amazing work! 
good luck with the get together celebration - i think you have a solid plan. Keep a non alcholic drink in hand (this helps as others wont ask if you need a drink). 
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The Dinner Party
It’s 5:20 ish PM and my mind wanders to old habits. For years I have had an evening ritual that is something I call the dinner party. In reality it is just me popping to the shops for my nightly wine habit, barely dressed or washed because I didn’t manage to get dressed before I started work. In my head it is an elaborate story I tell myself.
I am rushing out to get the wine that I previously “forgot” about and I have not yet started getting ready for the “party”. That’s why I am a dishevelled mess. It is perfectly acceptable if you are mid- dinner party preparation. I consult my shop schedule to make sure I have not been in this particular shop already this week. No, I haven’t, Cost Cutter is safe. I dash in and make a show of checking over the wine offerings, reading bottles and pondering which will pair nicely with the “dinner party cuisine” I have slowly simmering in my head. I am actually checking alcohol content and price mainly. Highest for cheapest is the rule. Once I make a few selections, I can happily march over to the till to pay for my 3 bottles of wine. Looking quite accomplished and smug with my dinner party choices. I even offer up information about my dinner party to anyone who looks questionningly in my direction.
I’m a superior upper middle class middle aged lady preparing for a dinner party that is going to be a delight but somewhere in my head I wonder if they know I am just a wino?
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Interesting share. I definitely have done this a few times. Filled my cart with booze and explained its all for a party when its all for me. Boy was i embarassed when i hit the same gas station too ofen and they sarcastically asked it i was having another party. This disease is exhausting and depressing but in sobriety we dont have to worry about these stupid lies we tell ourselves and others
Thanks for sharing @Lastry im loving following your journey and am rooting for you
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All things to all men
A few years back, in my previous serious sobriety attempt I recall being at nearly 40 days as I am now, and the difference is night and day.
Last time round I was Martha Stewart, Trinny & Susanna, Joe Wick, Laurence Llewelyn Bowen and Wonder woman all rolled into one. I had terrified my husband by decluttering and redecorating our entire house in my now free evenings. My colleagues were the dream team, and I flitted about the place full of the joys of spring. I literally bounced out of bed, showered and got power dressed to smash another day.
All of that was partly why I gathered determination to get sober again, hopefully for good this time. I needed all those things to come back into my life and help improve it. My house is a mess, nutrition non-existent, spaces filled with clutter and chaos, it’s a good day if I manage to get dressed. My colleagues are twa… I mean twits and I hate work and them. I have been looking at a bag of rubbish next to the bin in my office for 2 weeks and cannot drag up the energy to take it downstairs and throw it away. What happened and why is it different this time?
I am me; our house is the same lovely place I feel safe and loved. We can afford to eat and live well. I have nice clothes. My darling husband buys me beautiful self-care presents for each birthday, Christmas and occasions. My job and colleagues have not changed. They are still them and I am still me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am writing this down in case you are going through similar and wondering what the fuck is wrong with you. I don’t know the answer, but I do know we can take baby-steps.
We can start today and take baby-steps in the right direction.
- Empty one bin
- Wash my face
- Put on clean clothes
Sober baby-steps
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Yes!!! That is what we need to get one foot in front of the other. I didn’t have any success in quitting prior to this time so can’t comment on the change. The only thing that comes to mind is time. As I get older, I’m more bogged down with lifetime shit that is utterly exhausting. The people around me may also be at the fuck it era and not putting in the same efforta as before. Being sober now may not bring the same joyous energetic spunk in your step but you are healing and heading in the right direction.
You are doing great Fiona!!! Keep at it friend - your energy and motivation will return 
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I’ve just stumbled across this thread @Lastry and have thoroughly enjoyed reading through your posts.
It’s a riveting story you spin with such eloquence. The ups and downs, wins and struggles. But all with a sharp and engaging wit to you.
Wishing you much success forward as that’s really the only way we can go and look forward to hearing more of your journey.
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Thank you @JazzyS and @Chevy55 - very kind comments. Hanging in there for the long haul and will keep writing because it really helps.
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I am not an alcoholic - you are
In early 1990 this naïve 18 year old met the man of her dreams and by January 1991 was married to him. I am not ashamed to say that my man-picker is 100% defective and I was stuck married to an alcoholic, sex addict, serial cheat, prostitute user, narcissist and all round abuser of the female humans in this world. On the way to the Church my dear old dad and his best friend who was driving the bridal car pulled over and told me I didn’t have to do this. They could turn the car around and get me the hell out of there! I didn’t touch a drop of alcohol because I hated it. I hated what it made him do when he was drunk and I hated who he became. My knight in shining armor turned out to be a twt in tinfoil.
I will save some of the stories for future posts but over the years we had 2 separate court appearances for rpe charges and 2 for indecent exposure to young women on walking trails. Safe to say I was very anti-alcohol. Even his mother, God rest her soul, told me to run, pack a bag and run as far away from him as I could go and never look back. In 2000, on the way home from a trip to visit my parents, he drunk drove (without me knowing), overtook a car on a blind rise and had a head on collision with another car, he killed the driver of the other car and nearly killed all of us.
My recovery from this accident was long and hard, starting with a wheelchair and learning to walk again over the coming year. This was also my introduction to prescribed opiates and finally fentanyl patches. Well, the altitude up on my very high horse must have messed with my brain because even as a drug addict I was up there looking down judgmentally on his sorry arse. Eventually I recovered, got clean and we split up.
After my son’s and I got our own place, found peace and started to heal I felt safe to drink alcohol on occasion. Starting with wine at dinner, odd drinks with friends here and there. Still smug and safe, up on my high horse with the thin air, affecting my addict brain. It didn’t take me long to become a daily drinker, absolutely not in secret though. I was not THAT kind of drinker, not the kind that did secret shots from the bottle hidden in the toilet roll cupboard. I was the jolly kind, the party girl that was full of fun and up for a laugh. I was also absolutely not an alcoholic. I just liked a drink. Nothing wrong with that. Fast forward 10 years and I am married again, another alcoholic (did I say my man-picker was broken?) and I am googling “Am I an alcoholic?” the morning after another black out evening. How the mighty have fallen.
Even now, we are on equal footing, both alcoholics and I still look down on him. I am here getting sober and stuff and he is still out there, fallen off the wagon again, married for the 4th time.
God, help me get off this high horse and work on the character defects that hold me back.
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What is the plan?
Hmmm… I have to admit. I don’t really have one. Everyone seems so confident in recovery. They seem to have a plan, seem to stick to it, follow the routines, do the work, stack the days, and on and on and on. Does it matter if I have all those things but they are not really in some sort of structure? Can I do this floating through each day, trying to get some of what is on the list done? I am still sober but worried I am failing somehow. To combat this feeling of failure I think it would be sensible to take inventory and write it down so I can see what I am doing more than worry about what I am not doing for my recovery.
- I check in here daily. Sometimes all I can manage is to read a bit and then I have to go start work but I come here every day.
- I go to a meeting every day. In person a few times a week and online on the other days.
- I read something about recovery every day. Quitlit, the Big Book, now my Language of Letting Go daily reflections. Something every day.
- I reach out to newcomers on the forum. Against my natural instinct to just read and pass by. I make myself reach out.
- I got myself a sponsor to start doing step work.
- I am noticing my negative thought patterns and reframing them into positive affirmations. This is happening more and more often so there is increasing awareness.
Phew. When you write it down its actually quite a bit. It feels like it all takes quite a bit of time although if I am honest, it takes up much less time than drinking used to take. I am finding myself feeling happy for brief moments and for no reason at all. Just happy momentarily. Maybe that is how true recovery works. Gradually and slowly changing your life, one little thing at a time. I wonder if before I was just being an addict with sobriety in the same way I was an addict with alcohol? Maybe that is why it was not sustainable. It was not a real change, just a temporary “boot camp” in sober living. This seems real, slow and sustainable. It feels like there is no rush to get there. I have the rest of my life to be sober and figure it out. Even the days don’t matter to me much. Just this 24 hour period. This day is the one that matters. Staying sober, being a decent human, trying my best for this one day.
I guess that for now, that is my plan. Get to a meeting, stay sober, be a decent human and try your best for this day.
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Wow…you really are doing great and a lot of amazing things for your recovery.
I guess my only plan is to stay sober in whatever healthy way I can. I know that no two days will be alike and life will throw a bunch of ah fuck this shit moments but I just need to utilize my support system and tools for better coping to get through. ODAAT!
Heck of a plan 
@Lastry. . It sounds like you have been through a lot. I hear the strength in your story. You got this!!! I’m in your corner pulling for you!! Stay sober with me today!
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