Realizing how much I dismissed

The more days that I don’t drink and talk to certain people including mostly my mother but plenty of others especially relationships types I realize how much bad treatment I dismissed. I would pour another drink and shrug it off and deal with it.
Today I talked to my Mom. Yes I had to reset recently but in the past 4 weeks I’ve only drank 5 times which is 23 days less than usual. And I realized just how rude she is to me and started to realize triggers. It’s not toxic but it’s not nice. Without going into too much details have many of you felt by not using or not using as much you’ve felt you may need to cut off or distance yourself from those that you thought were your safety before? How do you handle that?

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I think a lot of us found we needed to cut people out of our life as we started getting healthier. It’s like a lightbulb goes off and you can finally see how people really are. I know for me it has been rough letting some people close to me go, but it has also been good for me not being around judgmental people who stressed me out. My mom stressed me out, but I know she has my best interests in mind. It must be hard having to step back from a primary relationship. Hugs.

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@Sassyrocks Hugs to you too.
I was already struggling with loneliness before. But it’s a different albeit eventually better lonely being healthier however I’m seeing that my Mom is a huge trigger for me. My family lives out of town so I don’t see them and I get along great with my Dad but Mom… she even today made fun of me for being moody because I’m not drinking and that I need to figure that out. And of course I snapped back and said maybe it’s you. I’m a laid back person and don’t snarck easy. So she said she needed to go. It blows my mind thinking back about the things she said to me and in actuality only did me harm.
She’s not the only one but my main realization.

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I hear you. My mom drives me nuts …and I know her mom drove her nuts and I am pretty sure I drive my daughter nuts. Sigh. Stepping back is hard, but sometimes it is necessary, at least until you feel stronger.

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She gets mad when I only call my Dad but I suppose her getting mad about that is best for now. Thank you so much for your response! I appreciate you.

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Her reaction is her own business.

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Having to leave some people behind is a tough thing to swallow for me too. A good deal of them I now realize I truly know very little about though and we only had using in common. But some are old friends who are still out there and in a bad way. I have a tough time with my mom too. In a different way though. I barely hear from her and get basically no support, which is fine, I have plenty of other good people for that. But I can’t help but wonder why the distance from her? I get a sense that she doesn’t know how to talk to me or can’t wrap her head around the fact that I needed to seek help. She has a skewed idea of what an alcoholic is and the people who seek out AA. Either way I can relate to dealing with tension and weirdness with family members about sobriety. I guess talking about it to someone is probably the best way to cope.

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Thank you @_Luke! I suppose it’s all different and the same. I self medicated from trauma which made me complacent to everyone with some acting out from drinking because I held it all in. Others drank and it all was bad and so estranged relationships with people were already there. Goodness, this is a wild ride.

I thought I was self medicating to help relieve anxiety and depression, I now realize I was making myself more anxious and depressed. I mean those things are still there time to time, but it’s much easier to be aware and have a healthy coping strategy. It is a wild ride indeed.

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Agreed. 100.
I’m super emotional tonight. I just wish I had someone. Anyone. Ugh.

My mom is toxic. I keep my distance. I keep up my fence so to speak with her. Opening the gate to let my children see her. My relationship with her is nearly “professional” this works for me as I take almost nothing personally. Basicly if she wants to juge me, or be negitive about her life and everything else in my presence. I simply brush it off, and if things ever get bad, god forbid we have a verbal fit like when I was a teenager, I’ll shout to her this…—> “you can suck my d¡©&”… It will be the best reply. I keep it nice and safe in my back pocket :clap::joy::clap::joy::clap:

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The healthier you get, the easier it will be to be alone. Until then, fill the space at night with reading, working out, meetings of some type, journaling…can you get a cat? No, for real! Great companionship, can be left alone, consider it…

There’s so much clarity that sobriety brings. Relationships are seen in a new light. And, how we react to people is more noticeable now then ever before, because we’re not numbing ourselves. Some people you will get closer to, some you’ll need more distance from.

Your relationships & roles will be re-evaluated & shuffled around a bit. This is good & needed for your sobriety. You have a golden opportunity to re-teach people how to treat you! To re-establish new healthy ways to interact & new boundaries. And to practice honesty, patience & tolerance.

None of this happens overnight though. It all takes time. They need time too. They’re used to dealing with you in a certain way and need to adjust.

Specifically about your mom…hard to say. I had a complex relationship with my mom too. She was a a very troubled woman. I had periods in my life when we felt close and those times were good. And other times when I held our relationship at bay…and I had to be ok with that. The realization that parents are flawed people too & not to take their behavior personally helped me keep things in perspective. Sobriety First! Big, huge hugs :hugs: and an extra one :hugs:

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I understand how you feel. That’s a drag. When I’m in that kind of funk I resort to a movie or show
I know always makes me feel good. Writing too helps me through those spells, just all the thoughts.

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I realised fairy early on that I couldn’t take my dad’s negativity about me as a person, a wife, a mum, a woman, anymore. I’ve realised I definitely used drink to help me not react to this and cope with it for years. I love the analogy of building a fence to protect me emotionally from his negativity but he can open the gate to see my son. Currently he’s not opened that gate in 2 months but my son too hasn’t mentioned him. So not trying to get out the gate I guess. I’ve made more time and effort with friends who I know are more positive and more fun! It certainly is a wake up call.

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I cannot count the times I drank just to put up with other people’s behaviour, or to make myself numb enough so that I wouldn’t think about it. Never saying anything and just avoiding resolving any of this made everything worse, of course. Others would keep behaving the same way and I would constantly put myself in the victim’s role.
The first time I stopped drinking I gradually removed all the people that were having a negative effect on me without second thoughts. For those that I could not remove (eg. Family), I either talk to them less frequently and try not to engage in conversations that would upset me or I tried to resolve some things (very slow process and only tried when I thought there would be space for understanding on their behalf).
So yes, this is true for me as well and removing some people from my life made a massive difference, a positive one that is. I do have less friends now but these people were never really my friends. I’m not suggesting cutting yourself off like I did, I do understand that this might not be a feasible solution for everyone. But I would suggest that you put yourself first.

Sending love and hugs xxx

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Hopefly it’s a short term necessity. Boundaries can shift over time. Once you’re stronger and have your sober sea legs, maybe you can just tell her how she affects you, and be better prepared to deal with the likely defensiveness. Had a super complex relationship with my mom, and for a time I tried to keep a healthy distance. Then she got Alzheimer’s and I had to become her caregiver and move her next door to me. She passed away a little over a month ago, and I miss her so much. Hopefully you guys can get to a better place. Good work on 23 days less than you normally would. :slightly_smiling_face:

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Exactly like me now - 557 days sober and still learning and solid in my choice of sobriety.

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