Well here i am, back at zero again. Laying here, starting to come down, got work in 4 hours. Fuck.
28 days since i last fucked up and used again.
Idk what the fuck is going on with me. Its been 2 1/2 years i quit using the god awful drug. I kicked that shit, moved, had a baby, and now for some reason the cravings are back and im giving in to them. What the fuck. Why why why?? I dont get it. I know the danger it holds, it makes me feel more bad then good, i have a kid who i need to think of, So why am i doing this?? I dont know what to do! How do i battle this if i dont even know whats causing it? I wish i had someone to talk to…
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Find the reason. This is your quest. Some stressor in your life, in your mind, in your spirit. This is the source of the craving. The craving is a symptom, and your relapse a reaction.
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Would you be able to give aa/na a try? There are people who understand & u can talk to. Wish u strenght 
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You have awoken your addiction demon from its 2 1/2 year sleep (I find it useful to see my addiction like that, a sleeping demon inside me that stays asleep unless I feed it the one thing that springs it into life, for me that’s alcohol)
You know only to well that now you have fed it it’s doc it will want more and more and the cravings will only grow until you put it back to sleep.
As @Yoda-Stevie said there will be a reason for your relapse, it may have started to eat at you some time ago? Dig deep, only you can identify it, then fix it. Think about what you did last time to get sober and do it again, perhaps add some extra tools, meetings, counselling, whatever works for you. You have done 2 1/2 years you CAN do that again.
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Addiction is a brain disorder. To get it under control you need to treat it. Jobs, family, moving are the rewards of sobriety, not that treatment for addiction. Do you work a program?
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Go to the gym or run , get that shit out of your system asap. Make yourself pay a little, feel the pain so it’s useful next time.
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ive tried NA but i didnt feel comfortable asking for help after the meetings…maybe i could try the steps again. I just started counceling yesterday too.
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I like your analogy Shell. I want so bad to put this demon back to sleep…
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Go to a local AA meeting, NA, whatever, you need to go asap. Once or twice a week.
I can t stay sober without AA for some reason. It’s like sobriety homework, sober gym sessions, idk.
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You must become comfortable being uncomfortable. No growth happens inside one’s comfort zone.
If you were lifting weights, would you grow stronger if all you did was lift a comfortable weight? No.
If you were learning math, would your knowledge increase if all you did was addition? No.
In order to defeat your addiction, you must go into the cave, confront it, and kill it. It will be uncomfortable doing this, but it must be done if you are to be free.
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Also, another reason i didnt feel very comfortable at NA is because i dont really believe in god. I didnt like the concept that we are powerless to our addiction and need god to get better. But then again, maybe thats why i keep relapsing. Lol idk at this point
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Then find a different higher power. I think you got the powerless thing down pretty well already. You can also try SMART
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Meetings give you a network around you so you can have support ,dont have to believe in god only yourself cant do it bye yourself so why not give it a try what you got to lose wish you well
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This is one reason I like the sleeping demon analogy, you control the sleeping demon, just don’t feed him 
I do know I’m powerless against him once I feed him.
As for god and higher powers, I don’t buy into god in the traditional sense, your higher power can be whatever or whoever you feel comfortable with. I see my higher power as the part of me that wants to stay sober and the belief that I can, I don’t do AA personally because what I do works for me but that’s not to say I wouldn’t if I ever feel the demon rearing its head.
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I don’t believe in God and that doesn’t stop me from engaging full steam ahead with AA. Once i started being open to solutions rather than creating barriers, things started to get better.
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