Reasons for fighting

Life in Recovery
619

  1. It always leads me into other unhealthy habits.

  2. As it turns out, pretending problems aren’t there doesn’t fix them. I was reminded today.

  3. Mom would have wanted better for me. I’ve always been inclined to trying to give her what I can.

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620

I’ve been a real asshole this past year… I’ve gone down a bad road, dug myself a deep hole, hurt my loved ones, compromised my morals and integrity & overall just plain sucked as a person. I’m 8 days clean now & determined to change my life.

  1. I’ve lost the trust & faith of my fiancé. He still loves & respects me, (the respect has dwindled, but still there) but he doesnt have much faith in me to act like an adult or contribute to our life & future. When I was using, I knew this, i just tried to avoid thinking about it and downplayed the severity of the situation I created. Now being sober, I am filled with regret & remorse… but I am also filled with determination to fix it, restore his faith in me, & make it up to him, all the havoc I’ve caused for him.
  2. I’ve created quite the financial hole for myself. My fiancé & I moved into our own place last January. At first paying rent was fine, until I hit the depths of my drug use. I fell behind on rent month after month. Luckily my parents are my landlords so they have been leniant. That’s a good thing now that I’m sober & catching up on rent, wasnt so good when I was using and used it as an excuse to spend rent money on cocaine… I have been able to catch up on the 3 months that I owed. Now I currently owe only for the month of November. So I still owe, but hey, it’s a start. I also have 2 credit cards that I’ve maxed out and have to pay off, but I’m starting to get myself back in the position to do that… so progress.
  3. I’ve become very unhealthy physically. I’ve gained so much weight… which I know is odd for someone with a cocaine dependency, usually it makes one thinner… but I was more of a binge user so after I’d binge for a day or 2, I would sober up and eat my body weight in junk food. Not to mention the amount of beer I drank when binging. And then there was the cigarette smoking when binging… and I would wake up the next morning feeling like I swallowed razor blades. Overall I was just SUPER unhealthy. And as much as I told myself I was going to be healthier and start working out, I never did because I was always sleeping off the binge. Which created the worst sleep pattern one could have that just added to my unhealthy habits. So now that I’m sober, I cant say I’ve changed too much on the health front as far as eating because hey, one thing at a time right? But I dont stay up for 48 hrs then sleep for 18 anymore. When I’m awake, I’m more active & productive. And I try not to eat total shit anymore.

So yeah, those are my current reasons and what I’m doing with them.

I’m writing this tonight because I am particularly stressed about money right now, which was usually a stressor for me that I would go get high to avoid thinking about it, but I’m doing this instead tonight. Here’s to progress… and trying not to be an asshole anymore!

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621

So here’s another (kind of silly) reason to keep fighting; in my stat tracker, my dot is the highest it’s ever been. New numbers are showing up on the Y axis and this makes me TOTALLY GIDDY! I know it’s somewhat silly, but checking it and seeing that line go higher and higher helps me maintain focus and positivity.

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622
  1. I want to be healthy again.
  2. I have more energy when sober.
  3. People are noticing a change in me and that feel a good.
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623

  1. I’ve been burying my head in the sand to cope recently and it’s taking me down roads where I want the addiction back. An ugly reminder to not do that I suppose.

  2. I made a new friend! She taught me about egg storage! Want to be a cool new friend.

  3. I recently got stranded somewhere for a little while and it reminded me how helpless I am. I can’t wait to be saved. Help comes when you’ve done all you can.

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624
  1. I choose to stay sober so i can gain back my self respect
  2. I choose to stay sober so I can focus on getting another job. 100% nightshifts is not good for me
  3. I choose to stay sober so I can be honest and dont live a double life.
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625
  1. I don’t carry the shame I did.
  2. I feel I can call in sick and not worry that everyone is assuming I am hungover.
  3. My daughters deserve the best from me
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626

  1. As long as I don’t love myself, I don’t choose nice relationships.

  2. My parent’s marriage seems to be a case of two people letting problems fester. It hurt me and my brothers. I don’t want to let problems rot.

  3. Tomorrow is visit two of Deal or No Deal with my new therapist. Hopefully she can help me.

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627
  1. My daughters don’t have to see a life full of drinking.
  2. Anxiety about drinking is eliminated when not drinking.
  3. My chaos lessens sober
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628
  1. I embrace challenge when sober.
  2. I don’t have as much guilt doing something for myself, knowing now how important self care is.
  3. My daughters deserve the best in this life
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629
  1. If I don’t drink I don’t have to lie about it.
  2. When I don’t drink I can look at my emotions from the outside a little bit, and decide if I wanna focus on them or not, give them credibility or not. So I choose to emphasize joy and let fear and frustration fly by without more than just a passing glance. “There they go, no need to hold on to those!”
  3. When I am sober I’m not ashamed of myself.
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630

  1. My therapist wants to help me put together my life and as much of a smoking garbage can I tend to be occasionally, I want to contribute.

  2. Stomach ache, time to be smart and do not bad stuff.

  3. I’d like to not wreck every relationship I’ve had like my father has.

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631
  1. I am looking forward to having people over today, while drinking having company made me to anxious.
  2. I want a sober holiday season.
  3. Someone is going to have to be the responsible one today.
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632

  1. If I only ever see my limitations I’ll accomplish nothing.

  2. With this discipline I’ll be able to keep myself in track

  3. Been wanting to do another clean month, that’d be a nice December.

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633
  1. Sobriety
  2. Relationships
  3. Health and safety
  4. Peace, freedom and acceptance
  5. Time
  6. Physical comfort and financial freedom
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634

  1. I’m sick of going to this when I feel bad, as if it’s something nice.

  2. Keeps up the “I can’t” mentality which is apparently a big issue I have.

  3. I’ve got writing I want to get done, so I need the motivation.

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635

  1. This feeds into the toxic environment I’ve been putting up with.

  2. I get less willing to work on myself.

  3. My best friend, who I love, deserves the best of me.

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637

I know, right? People talk about cocoons being nice, quiet, cozy places. Really, you stopped feeding yourself, and trapped yourself in something of your own making, to protect yourself from the world. Now you have to rearrange everything about you before you can escape. Good news is that you come out as a butterfly. Haha, sounds like the addiction/recovery journey to me!

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639

  1. Lately I’ve been trying to push so all of my regrets are the good kind. The kind that show I’m pushing myself instead of the other way around. I might regret doing a thing but it was leaving my comfort zone.

  2. Pushing myself helps me forget the bad stuff as well.

  3. I don’t want my problems to be someone else’s suffering.

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640

  1. I still want to keep believing in being happy.

  2. I’d like to believe I exist for a reason, and if I’m not fulfilling that then what’s the point?

  3. I want to spite everyone who looks down on me.

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