Recovery Dharma Thread

Life in Recovery
102

A tough day. A tough, tough, super fucking painful day. And I added to it by mostly getting in the way - writing a whole bunch of stories in my mind about the pain, instead of just feeling it and letting it pass through. At least I didn’t do the next habitual thing I do with pain - uncork a bottle of wine.

I went to my RD mtg instead. Arrived (online) feeling like a fraud. Like everyone else knows and gets recovery better than I do. I didn’t speak tonight, but I left feeling so… heard. Seen.

There’s a meditation, readings (perfect timing that I joined this group when they’re re-starting at the beginning of the book), and sharing/discussion. Tonight we read about The First Noble Truth. (There are four noble truths. These, and the commitments that follow, are the foundation of the program.)

The First Noble Truth:
There is suffering. We commit to understanding the truth of suffering.

Many of us have suffered by trying, and failing, to control our dependencies, habits, and addictions. We’ve used every kind of willpower, bargaining, planning, and magical thinking, each time imagining the result would be different, and beating ourselves up when it turned out the same.

I used to make these kind of plans and bargains. Weekends only. Two glasses max. Except on super fucking painful days like today. Then it was all about medicating that pain away! I know, I knew, I was just making the wound deeper.

I commit to understanding the truth of my suffering.

It’s because I want things to be different, and they can’t be.

Only I can be.

This shouldn’t be groundbreaking to me.

It’s absolutely okay that it is, though. Let me learn it anew every day. :orange_heart:

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103

Or pick up a drink. Anything to be happy again!

The unhappy things we enact on ourselves and others in the pursuit of happiness, hey? Mindboggling!

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Found a Thursday night in-person meeting that’s a mile away, will report back.

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That is growth, that is victory. I am at work, and if it slows down there is a passage in one of the books I have read…(I will try to find it)…kinda goes like this: this path we are on fixes nothing. There isnt an end to the path. This path simply let’s us endure life, finding peace in the soft spots of the storm.

My friend, you found the soft spot, by not drinking.

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106

I thought the same darn thing

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Holy crap a mile away! Close one us 45 minutes…worth the drive!

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108

from “Practicing Peace in Times of War: A Buddhist Perspective” by Pema Chödrön -

“This insecurity that you’re feeling is nothing monolithic. It’s nothing solid. It’s not gras-pable. It’s passing. And you can breathe with it and relax with it, and let it pass through you.”

Insecurity, or really anything negative is nothing but a moment. A single thing. How we react to it is life lasting. One of the hardest things to feel in the moment. Getting sober, had helped…but I still have those habits and patterns

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109

A wise friend mentioned this book as a good read that will help me on my journey.

from “The Pocket Thich Nhat Hanh (Shambhala Pocket Classics)” by Thich Nhat Hanh, Melvin McLeod -

“Under the influence of awareness, you become more attentive, understanding, and loving, and your presence not only nourishes you and makes you lovelier, it enhances them as well. Our entire society can be changed by one person’s peaceful presence.”

Far more to this quote, than what i selected. Life for me is some damn busy, I lose awareness of the world around me. I planted a pound of seed potatoes, everyone of them have become a large bush. I couldnt describe the bush, if my life depended on it. Even though I water them daily.

Loss of awareness of my little world can lead me down a dark rabbit hole that ends in a drink.

How many times have I said on here, “fill your life with sober things”. I have, but as time has gone on…they have become routine. I have lost my awareness in life. I believe that is where I felt stagnation, and the need to add something different to my recovery. My last path had become routine and dogmatic.

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110

from “The Pocket Thich Nhat Hanh (Shambhala Pocket Classics)” by Thich Nhat Hanh, Melvin McLeod -

“Our minds create everything. The majestic mountaintop, brilliant with snow, is you yourself when you contemplate it. Its existence depends on your awareness. When you close your eyes, as long as your mind is present, the mountain is there. Sitting in meditation, with several sense-windows closed, you feel the presence of the whole universe. Why? Because the mind is there. If your eyes are closed, it is so that you can see better. The sights and sounds of the world are not your enemies. Your enemy is forgetfulness, the absence of mindfulness.”

I need to slow down. I am running so hard right now…my enemy is what is said here.

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111

from “The Pocket Thich Nhat Hanh (Shambhala Pocket Classics)” by Thich Nhat Hanh, Melvin McLeod -

“In your daily life, your body and mind often go in two different directions. You are in a state of distraction, mind in one place, body in another.”

The stupid thing…I know this is where I am at. I didnt have to read it. However, reading it was a lightbulb moment. My peace is fragile right now…and this is a cause of it

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112

I am sure you already posted this, but it is one of my very favorite quotes and wanted to share again…life…

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

~ Pema Chödrön

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113

Some times, well most times being present…mentally, in the moment is tough for me. The other day as I mowed, my mind kept going to all the things I had to do, all the work shit going on. I stopped the mower and sat. I focused on this apple tree.

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I thought about how it represented life, and how if I could live my life like it…stress would go away.

When its beautiful flowers die, grow ugly and fall. It doesnt stress, it doesnt weep. Its just a stage.

When the fruit it grows, falls and roots, it doesnt stress it doesnt weep.

My thoughts kept drawing comparisons.

I finished mowing, my stress headache was gone, my back didnt hurt…I simply was enjoying the moment I was given

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from “The Pocket Thich Nhat Hanh (Shambhala Pocket Classics)” by Thich Nhat Hanh, Melvin McLeod -

“There is a story in Zen circles about a man and a horse. The horse is galloping quickly, and it appears that the man on the horse is going somewhere important. Another man, standing alongside the road, shouts, “Where are you going?” and the first man replies, “I don’t know! Ask the horse!” This is also our story. We are riding a horse, we don’t know where we are going, and we can’t stop. The horse is our habit energy pulling us along, and we are powerless. We are always running, and it has become a habit. We struggle all the time even during our sleep. We are at war within ourselves, and we can easily start a war with others.”

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from “The Pocket Thich Nhat Hanh (Shambhala Pocket Classics)” by Thich Nhat Hanh, Melvin McLeod -

“Even while you have pain in your heart, you can enjoy the many wonders of life—the beautiful sunset, the smile of a child, the many flowers and trees.”

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from “The Pocket Thich Nhat Hanh (Shambhala Pocket Classics)” by Thich Nhat Hanh, Melvin McLeod -

“Flowers decompose, but knowing this does not prevent us from loving flowers. In fact, we are able to love them more because we know how to treasure them while they are still alive. If we learn to look at a flower in a way that impermanence is revealed to us, when it dies, we will not suffer. Impermanence is more than an idea. It is a practice to help us touch reality.”

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from “The Pocket Thich Nhat Hanh (Shambhala Pocket Classics)” by Thich Nhat Hanh, Melvin McLeod -

“Does the rose have to do something? No, the purpose of a rose it to be a rose. Your purpose is to be yourself. You don’t have to run anywhere to become someone else. You are wonderful just as you are.”

This idea would be a big reason I drank. Always searching form my purpose, always feeling I was wasting my life, because I had not found my purpose.

Sobriety had helped, as it has given me a clearer head to think about life. This paragraph hit home…my purpose is simply to be me.

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from “The Pocket Thich Nhat Hanh (Shambhala Pocket Classics)” by Thich Nhat Hanh, Melvin McLeod -

“. Buddhist teachings are not exalted words and scriptures existing outside us, sitting on a high shelf in the temple, but are medicine for our ills. Buddhist teachings are skillful means to cure our ignorance, craving, and anger, as well as our habit of seeking things outside and not having confidence in ourselves.”

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from “The Pocket Thich Nhat Hanh (Shambhala Pocket Classics)” by Thich Nhat Hanh, Melvin McLeod -

“We humans have lost the capacity of resting. We worry too much. We don’t allow our bodies to heal. We don’t allow our minds to heal. Even when we’re given a few weeks of vacation, we don’t know how to rest. Our worries, stress, and fear make the situation worse.”

Stopping my mind and letting it take a break is a near impossibility

Heck, on my days off, if I want to take a nap…I appologize to Ms. Monkey because I feel guilty…lol

I got very little sleep last night, because I kept thinking about yesterday. Analyzing myself, how I reacted to a situation. Comparing my reaction to everyone around me. I found myself pouring over the books I have read…trying to find an answer…

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Oh, I hear you on this. My anxiety and agitation and fix it already takes me to trying to find an answer a lot. Boy is that tiring.

What I come back to again and again is right now, drinking my coffee, writing to you. This present moment and the quiet outside as I sit on my porch. Be here, now.

Thanks for this reminder, sorely needed.

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