Redemption Accountability thread

Hey all. I liked how some of you have started a daily journal/thread that you update. I’m hoping to do the same by creating this thread. I’ll share how my steps are going, sponsorship, therapy and beyond. Your support will be greatly appreciated.

P.S: Even though my addiction is more behavioral in nature (sex) vs alcohol/drugs, it follows a very similar pattern.

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I find it really useful to write it all down, not just for me but for others to see the steps I have taken to get sober, and I also like to be reflective. Look forward to reading about your journey :+1:

Thanks @RedDragon for your support. Yep writing it down does wonders.

So a bit delayed first post. I was hanging around to get a sign or support but didn’t reach out. Ended up relapsing Saturday so at 2 days now.

I think I’m very much being reminded of my own powerless over my compulsive behaviors. It’s nuts how some days I can feel so in control yet another day feel completely overwhelmed and on autopilot.

Surrender…I’ve known this for a while, have practiced it but feel like there’s a barrier to it right now. Ofc that’s not an excuse but maybe I don’t feel worthy of my higher power right now.

For those reading this, what is surrender to you? How do you practice surrender in your daily life?

Thank you

11/07/18

Checking in. I relapsed the morning of the 6th but work always gets me in good spirits so I’m doing better.

More realizations around how unmanageable my life is are coming up with a lot going on. Pending assignments, work, and other things. I tend to just avoid and the pile only gets bigger.

My hope is to practice surrender a bit more this week starting right now. I’ll keep y’all posted.

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11/10/18

Sober since my last relapse 4 days ago. Some of it has been meaningful, others just mundane. I’m still figuring out surrender and powerlessness.

We’re starting my first step with my therapist by writing my life story. I’ve seen some of my colleagues do it and it was very powerful. I’m excited yet apprehensive to do it.

Also working on stabilizing my own life. My pattern works as an avoider. I avoid what matters and that leads to shame, leading to a relapse.

Thanks for listening. I’ll keep everyone posted

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2nd 11/10/18

Checking in for the second time today. My self care is slowly getting better. I’m committing to doing a surrender tonight and heading to bed on time. Been binging on some food that I’m avoiding lol but I’m sure we all face it.

I’m also realizing that life is becoming radically different from how it has been and that is very uncomfortable. I feel like I tend to sabatoge that often.

Starting my first step feels powerful. Following the legacy of people like Bill W and other giants in the realm of recovery.

Hey all. Survived last night. Still got cravings but working through them. Have a long day today and lots of work to finish. Overdue work really stresses me and pushes me to relapse so I’ll do my best to catch up today.

Committing to the following:

  1. Finishing my school work
  2. Emailing someone that I need to
  3. Finishing work before I leave work for today

Thanks all

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Hey all.

I forgot my charger so had to come home. Update.

  1. Done 50% of it. 50% remaining
  2. Not done yet
  3. Not done.

I’m planning to work on 3 and try my absolute best to finish 2. I’m going to leave 1 since I can finish that tomorrow. My instructor is understanding

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Unfortunately I wasted sometime so I’ll be delayed those tasks till tomorrow. Got number 3 done though. My sobriety matters more and staying up late threatens that.

Night all

11/12/18.

Day 6. Surrender has benefitted me and working on whatever it takes to stay sober. Day has been good so far. Stress of pending work still threatens my sobriety but my hope is to chip away at it, one step at a time. Will go to a meeting today and hopefully meet a buddy and sponsor.

Thanks all

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Hey all.

I think the rubber is starting to the hit the road now. I’m feeling a lot of guilt and shame for not doing the work and and the cravings are getting more overwhelming unfortunately.

Hoping to stay in the game and get some sleep. Part of me would love to numb out right now while the other part wants to fight for something better.

Hoping for the best

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I survived the night so I’m at a week sober now. I think my self worth is closely connected with me meeting the expectations of other people. Unfortunately that’s not a very healthy pattern so…

Still need to keep up with it. If any of you have suggestions about how to stay organized or ensure work is taken care of, feel free to respond

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Congratulations on a week Redemption! Hoping you find some clarity and the serenity to deal with it.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to self criticism. I will shame and guilt myself for being too slow, too fast, to prone to list, too much this, too little that. For me those internal dialogues always led me down the same path. You are complete and you deserve love as you are. More importantly, it is crucial to succeed in recovery by having compassion for yourself. Give yourself time, allow yourself to rest, accept that recovery is the long haul. There’s no rush, the only rule is don’t use your drug of choice.

Wishing you some peace,

Mitch

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Thanks Mitch. I appreciate your support and it’s always good to know I’m not the only one.

That’s true and despite that things pile up and work gets delayed. I think some level of the unmanagability really makes clear thinking and getting things done extremely difficult. Ugh hate it some days how I can’t just do what I need to despite knowing the consequences. That’s what being out of control feels like.

Surrender, accept and organize in order to do what is in my hands. Leave the rest to my Higher Power

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11/13/18 (Day 7)

Hey all. So far so good. Work has a way of getting my spirits high. The evenings and the expectations I place on myself make me irritated. I’m looking forward to the day I come home and not have to think about work!

So plan for tonight.

  1. Cook and have dinner with the fam
  2. Choose 3 tasks to work on that I won’t be too apprehensive about that are pending
  3. Be in bed by 9:30am since I have a full day tomorrow to catch up and do things.

Btw I’m curious. Do you all have similar tendencies too? Stress from daily life trickles into cravings to use?

11/14/18 (Reset to Day 1)

Unfortunately, my cravings and an opening to act out created the perfect storm. I wasted all the time since I wrote my post above and that caused some intense shame inside. Ugh. Not losing hope here but it does feel sucky.

Intentions. Intentions. Intentions. That’s what I’m struggling with. Being intentional about life and what I do and making time for it. Being brave and courageous to face what I want to avoid.

At the same time, I’m only human so I need to take it a day at a time.

Any support or feedback would be appreciated

Try not to see the time you had as “wasted”, you took a step in the direction of recovery and your still trying so hold on to that.

Don’t waste time beating yourself up over what happened. That is your addiction trying to trap you into a cycle of poor self image and isolation. Sounds like you know what happened that created this perfect storm, just be aware of those situations in the future so you can avoid them.

@MikeSeekingHope thanks for the support man. Oh I meant to say I wasted time and that led to the shame and self loathing.

Yessir. Met with my therapist today and recommitting. Thanks

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Took a risk and pulled off an all-nighter to do catch up. Did quite a bit and didn’t relapse so far so I’m happy with the results. Now just gotta get some ZZzzz before work lol

Got like 2 hours of sleep before work. Got home early since mom wasn’t feeling too good.

Grateful to be sober another day

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