Reese's Check-ins

[reeseycup]

Day 378.

Looks like I had nothing to worry about yesterday. My boss told me that she was worried for my wellbeing because it’s extremely unlike me to no call no show. Nobody was mad at me, I didn’t get in any trouble, people were just relieved that I was okay.

Thinking about it some more, it’s hard for me to assume good faith in others. I tend to default to “getting in trouble,” because that’s what I grew up with. It didn’t matter how good my grades were or how much I cleaned the house or anything– there was always something I did or didn’t do that was deserving of punishment. As an adult, I’m hyper vigilant, and when mistakes do happen, the guilt and anxiety about getting in trouble is overwhelming.

Just some food for thought, I guess. I’m going to get some food, so some yoga, and head to work. I can and will do this. ODAAT.

[Puzzled]

I had a similar conversation on Thursday with someone in the company as there are days when they won’t show up until late and then rather not show up at all. I said that when my colleague is 10 min later after her usual time I text her because she is usually always on time.
And bosses usually are also humans so if they are not entire assholes they might understand.
I hope you’ll get used to the medication soon.

[reeseycup]

Day 391.

Just checking in quickly to say hi, I’m still alive, still sober. Got through the holiday slump. The days are getting longer. Med adjustments seem to be helping me. Still doing therapy. Spending time with family and friends. Got back into painting. Playing lots of Animal Crossing to help pass the time.

Keep on keeping on, sober fam.

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Great job on ur sober time! Glad to see u checking in! Sounds like ur living wuite a busy life now

[reeseycup]

Day 394.

Been struggling a lot with work stress these past few days. I’m having an issue with a colleague. I don’t want to go into detail, but suffice to say that she is creating a hostile work environment.

I feel not only anxiety, but a lot of shame and guilt and self criticism, even though the facts don’t support it being “my fault.” A month ago she made extremely inappropriate comments about my sexuality (I’m bi, she asked things like who would be “the man” in my relationships, and if i “take it up the ass,” which deeply offended me). I told her that it was not okay to say that to anyone, much less in a work environment, and dropped it. That’s when she started treating me differently, with hostility and anger.

I didn’t report it right away because I didn’t want to “make a big deal out of nothing.” I think because I was raised in an environment that was extremely against anything that wasn’t cisgender and straight, that i had no right to complain when my “shameful” identity was insulted. Since the hostility of my coworker has only been increasing, and it is affecting my ability to do my work effectively, i finally talked to my boss in detail about everyone that’s going on. My boss said that she really wishes I had come to her sooner, and I feel a lot of regret and shame for not doing so.

This coworker has already put in her 2 weeks notice, so i really only have to deal with her for a couple more shifts. But I can feel how I am negatively impacted, both emotionally and also physically (disturbed sheep, fatigue and brain fog, gastrointestinal problems–all manifestations of my anxiety and shame).

Dealing with a lot right now. I’m craving the release and numbness of just getting high and no longer caring. But I don’t want to throw away nearly 400 days, and I know that the feelings of shame would only grow exponentially if I relapse. So I’m trying to keep going. Working on my painting when I get home from work. Meditating and practicing my witchcraft. Going to see my family tomorrow for the super bowl.

I do not feel hopeful, but I am trying to cling onto this sliver of light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to get through the next five minutes…rinse and repeat until the day ends. My emotions are pulling me down, so I’m trying to intellectualize the situation and practice coping skills, like checking the facts, distraction with things i enjoy, self reassurance.

Please send me some positive vibes. I will not get high today. I just need to take it one day at a time.

[Jaybeeem]

Your coworker sounds like a nasty peice of shit.

In my experience, when people are very nasty and cruel its usually because they are in a dark place themselves. Hate themselves, own problems or identity issues or sexuality conflicts, something going on at home ect. Reason being is that A Normal functional content and happy person doesnt explicitly go out of their way to emotionally drag down others, its a wild thing to just want to do for no reason. There is for sure something not right with her and shes projecting it. It sucks but i would dismiss it and be glad shes going soon. Easier said then done though because i think if i was in your shoes id be scheming the ultimate F- you prank or something on her last day . But thats not contructive advice so ignore that part lol.

[reeseycup]

Day 397.

Hanging in there. Yesterday was a really difficult day. My patients were having a tough time, and it felt like nothing that I or any other staff members were doing was helping them. I got some really good rest last night and I feel much more refreshed. Hopefully today will be a better day, or at least I’ll be better equipped to handle it.

Staying sober, no matter how much the weed demons try to convince me to “unwind.” Practicing my witchcraft, drinking tea, painting…all of these are better ways for me to relax and calm my mind.

Keep on keeping on, sober fam.