Relapse and depression vent

I decided to get sober last week.
It lasted less than 48 hours.
I went to CA and got the first chip with every intention of going back this week to get my 7 dayer.
Now I feel like an imposter.
Is it even a relapse when all it really is is a lack of commitment?
Ugh.

I live in a pigsty because between binges and bouts of depression I can’t tidy let alone clean.
I don’t even have the spoons to get in the shower or brush my teeth.
I’m running out of my antidepressants, but I’m struggling to pick up the phone to order more.
I’ve been rationing them for a week.
I forget to take them when I binge

So anyway, I’m on day 1 again

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Welcome.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your here, your still trying. That’s all that really matters.

There were so many times I’d swear it off after I finished a bag only to end up getting a bigger bag.

It’s a vicious cycle that isn’t easy to break.

I had to cut all ties to everything cocaine in order to quit.

I had to move in order for that to happen.

Keep fighting!

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Welcome to the forum! Everything Jason said.

Just keep on trying, getting better each day, working for it.

It’s not over until you quit trying.

Rooting for you!

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You are not an imposter if u have the will and are trying. If we all got it first try then aa na etc would be much smaller organizations than they are. That being said, what extra things can u do to get further this time?

I don’t know who you are or where you live but I am reaching out to you to let you know you aren’t alone!!

In fact, a lot of what you’ve described is what I am going through right now too. Even the simplest things I have no energy for, I can’t eat or sleep v well, have trouble concentrating and staying focused for work, being present for my partner and my kids and loved ones in my life. Wanting to stay in bed all day. Feeling those knots of anxiety in my stomach. My mind drifting constantly and aimlessly to all the dark corners of the past, bad things I’ve done to others and my insecurities.

But…I have been through this before and I survived. I got sober for a while too and magically everything got better. I’m on anti-depressants again too. In fact, I have an appt with my doctor on Sat to discuss increasing my dosage.

For me, I know I can do it. I’ve done it before. This is only a point in time and we don’t have to live this way. Our brains have become addicted to the drink and/or drugs, and/or pills just to get by and feel normal but that has bad results for our lives. Being sober and staying focused on that one goal has helped me. I also challenge myself on the really hard days to force myself to do things I’d rather not. It’s very exhausting but bit by bit you begin to win the little battles. I pray a lot as well and I’m a believer.

If I can fight through…so can you!! One day…sooner or later…on the other side of this life will get better, and we’ll be better and stronger for it. I’ve been in some very low times in my life…like very low…but I’m still here and thankful that I am. I have a lot to be grateful for. Just sucks though b/c with a mental health condition there is also an element of stabilizing brain chemistry. Booze and drugs work against us. The sooner we’re rid of them…for good…the sooner life will get better, but be prepared for hard days before the not so hard days.

Peace be with you and God Bless

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Welcome Laura :purple_heart: