I need support and guidance to help me comeback to sobriety after I have relapsed drinking several times over the past month after a 14 month sobriety journey. My 17 yr old son realized I had drank again and it is very emotionally difficult for him. I feel so much shame and hatred towards myself for being so weakand selfish and for letting my children down. The more I try to work thru it alone in my head( while not addressing it with the kids) the worse the anxiety gets which in turn adds to me being tempted to drink to make the pain go away. I had been working out 6 days a week to distract myself, but the burden keeps growing and has become unbearable. I have been depressed and am starting to have some self harm thoughs. I know that I need to just stop once again and that would solve 99% of the problem. On the other hand even when I was sober I was caring so much guilt and regret with me it was mentally destroying me. So My question is, is it appropriate to sit down with my children 14 and almost 18 and be upfront and honest about things in the past and apologize for things that may have effected them. Also to try and explain the reality of dealing with addiction. I have tried to down play it in hopes that it would effect them less. Also a huge trigger for me is when my 17 yr old picks fights (sober for extended amount of time or drinking) with me and acts unruly. I haven’t disclosed to him that it is the number one biggest thing that makes me turn to the bottle. I felt like that isn’t a burden he should feel. Am I right I’m not telling him it is something that pushes me over the edge? I had a friend tell me I should tell him so he will hopefully calm down and lay off knowing how badly it is affecting me. I personally feel that I am the only one who can make the decision to drink. Wether I be aggravated by someone or just because. Please help me with your personal experience with similar situations and thoughts on how to find a healthy way to conquer this without hurting my children.
I’ve found that these issues are addressed while going through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with my sponsor. Wreckage of the past. Our shortcomings. Making amends. Dealing with life on life’s terms. And most importantly, not drinking.
Yes, it is appropriate to have that conversation. At 14 and almost 18, truth and vulnerability will mean a great deal to them. They may be thinking that drinking is something you do frivously without any thought of them. Discussing the realities of addiction won’t right wrongs,but it will at least help them understand your reality - and how you are devastated by the effects your actions have had in their lives. With children, amends are made on a daily basis and over a long period of time. They may be angry. Having said that, I’m guessing they will appreciate your honesty and willingness to gave an incredibly painful conversation. “I know I have hurt you, and I’m sorry…” is a good start to building that forgiveness and understanding. Then show them each day that you are committed to being better and being sober - in every way you can.
Each day that I’m sober and in my right mind is an apology to my family. I cannot undo the past, but I use it as a reminder why I cannot pick up drink today. Eventually, the shame will begin to fade - if you truly are willing and able to change your life. Reaching out as you have makes it clear that you really want to live a healthier, better life. Secrets thrive in darkness. Talk with them.
I’m going to tag @MandiH here. I’m betting she might also have some good mama wisdom here.
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All good advice and I would add to make time for you and getting a good counselor or therapist
Yes! Thank you. I meant to say this too!️
I think that your children are old enough to understand and being open with them can only make your bond closer. You are never going to move forward carrying the guilt and able to let go until you address your issues…
My children are 6 & 7 and they understand that alcohol doesn’t make me a good person and that I go to meetings to help me not drink again,
Hi there and welcome! I’m so sorry to hear about your recent relapse. I do want to ask, during your 14 months sober how did you accomplish that? Did you work a program or do it on your own and do you know what triggered the relapse?
I have a 16 year old son and I’ve got a 17 & 8 year old living with me. I’m at the tail end of a mixed family relationship and their chaos tests me literally daily. I do not drink to deal with it anymore, though I used to. That really only made it all so much worse in the end until I truly felt like a sad shell of a mess of a person. I gave it up because it was only making fixing anything truly impossible.
The kids know I don’t drink anymore, I have discussed it with them very openly as they watched when I spiraled overboard. It took the life of my dad and my aunt-I was on my way there myself and I’m very open with them especially about that part. I drank because of me and my own decisions though. I was so stressed and so unhappy with our family life and all these things going on around me that I got no say in including (or more like especially) the kids and I have had no real relationship with their father in a long long time. It’s been like witnessing a train wreck up close and personal most days. I drank to numb it all.
I think you’ve very right in your point that we control our reaction to things totally though. So I was very careful how it was worded to them so I did not put the blame on my frustration with them and my reasons for why I drank because at the end of the day it’s absolutely not their “fault”. It’s MY decision how I choose handle (or try to run away) from things. Quite the opposite really, these kids were a big part of my motivation to get sober once I realized the damage it was doing in every aspect of my life. They deserved to have someone sober around them. Someone that gave enough of a shit about them to be present and make sure their needs are met, no matter how difficult they can be. Someone around to teach them about the proper way to live and handle responsibilities instead of leaving them to raise themselves. They needed someone that shows them there really is a different way to live and that you can be happy truly unconditionally when you find it inside of yourself, no matter what chaos surrounds you. That’s what I’m working on right now and self-love is a process but one that really is changing my whole life for the best. Even (especially really) in the trying, challenging and difficult times. If I can do it now, I’ll be able to do it for the rest of my life in most any circumstance. And that’s something these kids should also see!
Try to not be hard on yourself, we absolutely can not change our past but we can make our future brighter than we’ve ever seen before! All we need to do is change how we do things for a different result. A therapist or a program maybe a big help to you to work out all of the things going on in your head if you haven’t tried those things yet, I know I’ve been stuck up in my head sometimes and it’s never a good place to be. Letting go of the stuff that weighs you down is hard (like the alcohol, guilt, shame, embarrassment, unworthiness) but it’s really necessary to truly move forward fully. Dont stay stuck in your past love, you dont belong there!
Really, please reach out anytime you need to talk. I’m glad you’re here and I’m sure lots of us can relate on many different levels. 
Wonderful advice here.
Communicate with them. Show your human side, your vulnerability. It may be hard but they will respect you more in the long run.
I also agree that therapy would be useful. Family therapy. They will have their own things to work through as well.
Maybe going to meetings will help you to understand your problems.
The guilt is yours and yours alone. The alcoholism is yours. Sitting your kids down and trying to explain that guilt is not going to change anything. That might be your intent, but it rarely works like we think it will.
All your kids want is a mom that doesn’t drink. That’s all that my wife and kids wanted. It was up to me to deal with my guilt and shame because they couldn’t do anything about that. I learned how to work on my problems at Alcoholics Anonymous.
Best wishes pal
I told my 20 year old. And I’ve told her I’m sober now. She’s cool with it. She has her own things that we have spent 10years almost getting recognised so she understands about mental fragility.
The 13 year old knows I’ve stopped drinking and because of that so has her mum at home. This has changed the mood at home completely. Both our kids didn’t like us drinking because we would just drink until we dropped all weekend so looking back what sort of family life is that?! I’ve not sat down and “talked” to the youngest yet, but their not stupid at that age.
All in all family life has got so much better.