I got an alert that they had already shipped. I’m not sure how I feel about getting the mail or condo building involved because they might get the police involved. I might be able to get somebody else to throw it away for me or have somebody present. I’ll have to think about it.
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Thank you for the support. It’s been eye opening how progressive addiction is. Even though I hadn’t used in a decade, addiction can really come back with a vengeance. It wasn’t a slow process, relapse immediately brought me right back into the fire.
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I’m so glad to hear you’re getting help so quickly this time. My brother is nearly nine years sober from many substances including your DOC. He works the steps constantly, but that worry is always in the back of my mind.
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Well it’s good he’s staying involved. I got away from a lot of the recovery work and is probably why I relapsed.
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Do the steps work for you? Do you plan to work them again? Thinking of you, hoping you’re feeling positively about your future.
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Yeah they did. I worked them religiously for 6 years. I had a sponsor and always sponsored 3 others. I took a job in South Florida about 4 years ago and moved across the country. I had planned on finding meetings once coming here but just never really got around to it. A year and then 2, 3, 4 years went by without meetings and I felt fine. But then when the temptations finally hit me I didn’t really have any defenses against it.
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I know you’re waiting for rehab and FMLA, I encourage you to find a meeting everyday in the meantime (if you haven’t already!) How are you feeling today?
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Did one last time thoughts get you?
I did that. It almost killed me, It scared me enough to make it my last time. Its when I downloaded the app, and discovered this place. I havent touched it since. I lived in here for two years.
I had one more lesson to learn with the booze. I havent touched it since. I’m coming up on seven years.
Jan 10th 2002 was the first time sobriety stuck for me. I was SPUN!
I decided to try and drink like a gentleman around thanksgiving in 2011. I made a million rules for myself. I broke them all. My head told me recovery failed me. I never want to try again. When shit did get out of control. I made half assed attempts. I couldn’t appreciate my new milestones. My head told me they were insignificant compared to almost a decade.
The no meth rule took about six years for me to break. Its what broke me.I kept fucking up and doing it. I wasnt willing to change people places or things. My last time was horrific. I never want to feel like that again. If I dont ever do it again, I wont have to.
april 20th 2018 was the day I came down fronm that. I had one more lesson to learn with the booze.
Its taken some time for me to to allow myself feel back at home in AA. That changed this summer. I’m back. I was in my way again. Im active here. Active in AA and I cherish my new recovery and my new sobriety date.
Today, I work really hard to stay out of my own way.
We can come back. We have a good record of what worked for us. and we also can pin point the mistakes. I reflect back on my previous recovery often. I have prevented some of those mistakes this time.
I threw a co-worker under the bus this morning. He is tweaky. I cant risk someone influencing me. I told my boss exactly how I felt this morning.
You have a pile of temptation coming. That would definately be enough to kill me. Dont face that demon by yourself.
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I honestly don’t really know why I decided to use meth again but yeah that’s definitely part of it. It started with rationalizing using just a little bit of Adderall to be more productive. But then that changed to wanting to just use small doses of oral meth because it’s cheaper.
I am addicted to pretty much everything but my main addiction was meth and alcohol. I was always really drawn to amphetamines and really liked the way they made me feel.
Adderall was the first drug I abused in high school even prior to ever drinking alcohol, I started going on week long benders when I was 16 or 17. By 18 I was living out of an abandoned garage in the woods doing a lot of speed. The garage had a dirty old mattress on a concrete pad. It was wintertime in northern Minnesota and very cold so I just lived on top of the mattress with a bunch of sleeping bags.
It got to be so physically and emotionally painful I was somewhat able to stop stimulants but in reality I just replaced meth with everything else. It became ‘off limits.’ Things obviously didn’t get any better, other than not having to go through anymore meth comedowns.
When I used meth again a little over a month ago, I told myself that alcohol and heroin were off limits because I’d definitely die. But that I’d just use meth one more time. But of course I’d need some kind of downer so would just use benzos in place of opiates and alcohol lol.
It really doesn’t make any sense looking back at my thought process. And I am aware that using half an ounce of meth in a binge can definitely kill me fairly quickly as well. It didn’t take long for me to think “oh shit, what have I done?” After realizing I had no control.
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Yes I have been going to meetings and am going this evening. Feeling considerably better today having got a few good nights of sleep and steady food.
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Addiction alcoholism defies logic. I relate to your story. It sound like you have some good things in motion. Another chance! Stoked for you!
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@Brock
Brock, your one of the cooest people ever for sure. Youve been through hell and came out.
But those mustles cant protect you from a od. Od’s sneak. It may not even be the plan. Those drugs, look at them like that.. drugs.
Would you abuse haldol to change chemicals in your brain like i have to do for my schizophrenia?
No, i wouldnt think so.
If i did abuse haldol, you know what happens? My body gets stiff first, while im alive. My face could get stuck in place, my hands stuck in bent stiff, feet curled and stuck, eyes in the back of my head, all while alive. Why ? Because i chose to abuse a drug?
Meth dude?
Your not ganna be alive if you dont stop
If you dont stop, kiss your ass goodbye because at the pace of your experimenting, you will surly not be here
Can i ask
Why do you pick up drugs?
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That sounds terrible. I’m really not sure. The only real reason I’ve been able to come up with is because I’m addict. Life hasn’t been bad and nothing major has happened. I just thought it was a good idea to use and did.
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Maybe thats a trigger for you in itself…i know when everything is just ticking along ok for me it gives me a feeling of unease or like something is missing…i had a pretty chaotic childhood which i think is part of that but i think all of us addicts get used to a bit of chaos through our addictions aswell…our brains find comfort in any routine even the negative, something to think about anyway friend 
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If its this simple, no1 would be able to get sober.
We can do this man
I had a bout of mild-moderate depression. Enough to make me apathetic and bored with life but not enough to really think about it much. That combined with not prioritizing recovery.
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Exactly. As addicts our natural state is to use, unless we put in the work to prevent it. You mentioned that once you moved you lost your network. From there you let your guard down and the relapse came long before the drugs entered your system. I’ve been reading your thread and it seems like you have done more than enough analyzing. At this point your focus should be forward thinking (and it appears that it is). Focus not on why you are here, but rather what you can do to not end up back in this position.
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Yeah I just talked to my addiction therapist. I plan to check into rehab tomorrow. We are looking at an extended rehab stay, likely at least 3 months.
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@Brock you managed to be sober for 10 years, I strongly believe that you can do that again. Not for your mom, or girlfriend, do it for yourself. Good luck and wish you to stay strong
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Thank you for the support
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