I find myself in the early stages of withdrawal after going nearly a month again not drinking.
Not that there’s any excuse, but my blackout binge all weekend began with my toxic relationship with my father. He’s 50 and an alcoholic, and I’m the only one that has talked to him for over a decade - always trying to help him and be there when everyone else left. I understand he deals with a sickness, and it’s kind of strange that I deal with it myself now.
Anyways. He’s been on a bender of 2 weeks or so and ended our phone call saying he was finally going to kill himself. I begged him not to, but I haven’t heard from him since he hung up. The phone rings out if I call it. It’s just a disgusting relationship - my codependency with him. (Which I guess isn’t a thing if he did finally kill himself).
So that brings me to here. A month of sobriety lost because then I spiraled and woke up 2 days later with lacerations on my hand (that’s weird, because I don’t self harm), but there was a knife in the sink, so I guess I did.
Ah well. Just trying to look for some support. My dad is (was?) a piece of shit, but it’d mean the world if he called me back. Just so I know he’s at least just on his bender still. To see him fail after all this time is absolutely gutting, and it makes me feel hopeless, when I know I’m not. I have so much love to give and so much life to live.
One foot in front of the other. Resetting my timer hurts, but time is just a number.
Don’t think of it as a month of sobriety lost. Just think of how amazing it is you went that long, know you can do it again and more You are doing great! Just keep your head up and reset the timer. I haven’t made a month yet, so to me that sounds like a big win
Is your father ok? If your harming yourself in my opinion you should get some advice from a doctor maybe rehab also till you get this under control maybe ask your Father to attend with you.
I know how it feels to reset the timer , I had 116 days sober and relapsed and was so angry at myself , but you definitely need to keep your head up and stay strong! And remember to take it 1 day at a time … YOU CAN DO THIS
Hi, Private50. Apologies for the late response. I’m unsure if my father is okay, but I’m trying not to think about it too much. Self-harm isn’t something I consider on a day-to-day like drinking is, so I’d like to think it may have been an isolated incident.
Either way, almost a week sober now, and I’m quite happy about it. After that, 30 days. For now, one foot in front of the other.
Newlife1019, thank you. I’ve been doing just that since I posted this. I’ve gotten far before, and I can do it again. It was an incredibly busy work week for me (along with feeling absolutely awful), but I made it through.
And I’m going to continue to. Our character is not defined by how we fall but our ability to get back up when we do. Another day, another day of clarity. Hope all is well, friend
My mom commited suicide. You should call the police where he lives and have them go check on him if you havnt heard from him. Maybe they could check him into somewhere. You shouldnt ignore this you will regret it.
Thats scary that you self harmed too😞Ive done a lot of crazy stuff drunk and wanted to die or self harm a lot but I never woke up with cuts. Thats very dangerous you might black out and do something you cant take back. It is so painful and stressful dealing with someone who is mentally sick and harming you. Maybe you should talk to a therapist about it. Thats a good reason for you to stay sober though.
My mother is an alcoholic. Her father is a recovered alcoholic. His grandfather was an alcoholic. Generational trauma is real. It’s extremely difficult creating and maintaining healthy boundaries in these situations. Healthy boundaries are definitely not what any of us in these situations were raised with, so it’s hard to grasp the concept. I know first hand. I’ve always felt a tremendous guilt if I ignored my mom or if I called her out on any of her actions. One day you realize that until your dad helps himself (or wants help), there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to change him. If continued, it will just bring you down with them. It only hurts even more for you, because no one in active addiction is able to see or think beyond themselves and how they view things. They are always the victim and believe the world revolves around them. No matter what you say to them! It took me 3 months of sobriety to start to finally understand this, because I was able to see it with clear eyes. Not just thriving on the drama with her, because I was drunk, too. Trauma response in the brain makes you feel the need to argue and fight to prove your love, because that’s all your brain and body has ever known. Your body/brain is literally programmed and trained from past trauma to constantly react to things with “fight or flight” chemicals from growing up in this environment. You have to focus on yourself. You see what your life will be if you continue. It’s sad, but you have to be “selfish” now. If you ever need to talk to someone who understands, I’m always here to talk. I’m only 6.5 months sober, but it’s getting better all the time. In all aspects! Your long term sobriety can inspire those around you to find it in themselves to do the same.
*I also want to add that I grew up with my mom constantly saying that she wanted to kill herself. I grew up terrified that one day I may not convince her of how much I needed her, and she would really do it. Alcohol makes depression so much worse. I really feel for you.
Hi. Have you considered trying Al Anon and/or Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA)?
I can relate to feeling completely enmeshed in someone else’s reckless drinking and behavior. Al Anon gave me the tools to enjoy my life despite what people I may love and care about do to themselves. It’s so sick how alcoholism affects everyone, not just the alcoholic. That’s why they call it a ‘family disease’. Hope you can find peace and serenity.
Mine said shed do it too an it would be me and my dads fault and then one day she did. You right about the generational crap. Its hard to break cycles makes me afraid to have children.
I’m so, so sorry. My heart breaks for you. You’re working on yourself now, you’re here right now…and you should be proud of yourself. You can be the one in your family to break all of this! And once you do, you can take your pain and use it to be an amazing mom. People who have hurt and experienced pain know exactly how much love a child needs.
@BrownCow yeah all is well… definitely glad we got this community here to visit , speaking for myself it’s a breath of fresh air to be able to talk to people who have the same mentality as I do
Thanks for checking in. I’ve not heard from him, but I suppose that’s outside of my control. Just focusing on me. Busy at work, busy with my puppy, and those are both great things.
Lots of sunshine here, so that’s also helping. Almost on day 10 again. The worst is over
Glad to hear it’s a sunny day where you are. It’s sunny where I am too. Was just a beautiful day here.
Glad you’re feeling better. Take care & remember that you are a good and worthy person. You are enough, and you are worthy, no matter what happens in the world. Suffering and fear are part of our experience as humans, and it’s been that way since the dawn of time. That doesn’t make your fear here any less significant. But it does make it human. It’s hard. It’s so hard. But it is a path you don’t have to walk alone.
