Relapsed.Did I ever really commit to sobriety?

So…my good people…

I made the same mistake again,went for a walk …lying to myself …

The only difference I cannot continue drinking and will not go on months long ride from hell like last time. I just can’t and won’t.
I feel defeated, my commitment to sobriety is brought into question. I really feel I did not commit to being sober, not the whole me (will I ever?).
Maybe it’s the cocktail of bad feelings that I am drinking now , maybe the voice from deep down … I am falling apart. So much to lose, so much.
And still…

Please God no more … I am on my knees again

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So are you drinking right at this moment or just telling us that it just happened a day ago? Sorry I am a little confused. Regardless, dont feel defeated though bc we are all imperfect humans. And I understand where you’re coming from. I ask myself the same question. Will I ever just live a sober life? Am i lying to myself? Can I just drink on vacation without the kids and come back and not drink at home? But with past situations and experiences I have learned that I just cannot drink. Been drinking since I was 14. I turn 35 this year. That’s a long freaking time of destroying my body and my mind. You can do this I’m always here if you need to talk

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Thank you @AliciaMarie04 !
I am not drinking right now, happened I think day before yesterday and just now got my shit together… But I am not very good at this esspecialy with all of this on my mind … Reset my phone , lost all contacts accounts and hadn’t had the will to reinstall all…but I got my shit together…in a bag. Already feeling better… Thank you.

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And yeah, I have been drinking and doing drugs since I was 14 …and I am 30 now and really feeling tired of this … But again I find my strenght coming back , when I came back here, it really helps

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If there is one thing I have learned on this messed up journey of sober - relapse - sober - relapse and on and on is that you need to do something different. If it didn’t work the previous times it isn’t going to work this time either.

So…what do you think you can do differently this time. For me, I’ve chosen to finall suck it up and go to AA. I know that isn’t the answer for everyone so I’m not saying that’s what you should do. But you need to try something new. Even better if you try something that you swore in the past you didn’t need…because that was probably your subconcious telling you that it was exactly what you needed but you just weren’t ready to hear it.

Chin up. You can do this. I hear it in your words that you WANT this.

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I wish I had AA to go to !!!
I would go immediately. I think its an awesome thing and that it would really help a lot In my case.
But this is close as it gets. My job is really a shitty one in that respect. I work in different countries , I changed three of them in last three months…

I want it soooo bad… Thank you…

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@VSue is right, you should change something. There must be something that causes you to relapse. Find that and eleminate it. For me this “something” was my family (sad but true).

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Oh wow. You must be a contractor or something if you work all over like that. If coming here helps you stay sober then keep doing that. Find online meetings. Do you have an android or iPhone? I have an android and have 3 apps on my phone, this one, AA toolkit that helps with keeping track of my amends and stuff and has the prayers and then theres the AA speakers free where you can listen to actual speakers.

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Maybe do AA online? @Englishd frequently posts a link to online rooms.

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Kints, I have always been dissatisfied with world, as a kid I had that sadness imprinted on me,among other things my father has been in three wars from the time I was born until I turned 14 , and working all arround the world didn’t help much.
There are amazing beautiful things in the world and I do appreciate it but the above mentioned, I think is one of the main reasons fuelling my drive to drink. I do look on the brighter side, and have an outgoing positive personality but how much of it is just overcompensating I really don’t know.

I will try , I will fight and I will change and learn.

@AliciaMarie04 @Yoda-Stevie I will look into it, I know I read about it somewhere but kinda never acknowledged it for what it really was.

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Where do you live @Umpf there will be support groups near you, perhaps we can help you find them.

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Again not to say you have to do AA…but if that is something you are interested in they do have meetings world wide. At the meeting I go to they tell us at the end of each meeting that they have a book that lists locations and phone numbers of all sorts of out of town meetings (I haven’t looked at it yet to see if it goes WAY out of town…maybe it is just within my province, I don’t know). Plus there are apps you can download that list meetings all over the world. You don’t have to pick one meeting and only go to that one. You can go to as many meetings at as many locations as you want to. I listen to a podcast and that guy talked about driving all over Peru looking for a meeting while on vacation.

Now, I’m also going to say that you need to change the way you talk to yourself. I hear you saying all sorts of negative stuff. It’s like you are giving yourself the excuses. You need to use positive language. For example I see a lot of posts (not you per se…lots of posts on TS) that say “I’m going to try and stop”. Well that is fantastic but that is setting it up for failure. If they drink/use they can say “well, I tried but I failed”. It’s giving them an out. Its time for you to say “I WILL stop drinking”.

Actually, that just reminded me of something I heard astronaut Chrstopher Hadfield said. Once you make the decision that this is what you are going to do (for him it was decide that he WILL become an astronaut) every decision you make after that you make based on whether or not it will help you acheive that goal. So if you say “I WILL stop drinking” everytime you are faced with a decision or a challenge you can ask yourself “will this help me reach my sobriety goal?”. If the answer is “no” then don’t do it!!

YOU CAN DO IT!!

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“Decide in your heart of hearts what really excites and challenges you, and start moving your life in that direction. Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow, and the day after that. Look at who you want to be, and start sculpting yourself into that person. You may not get exactly where you thought you’d be, but you will be doing things that suit you in a profession you believe in. Don’t let life randomly kick you into the adult you don’t want to become.” (Chris Hadfield)

This is what I was referring to. Make your choice and live your life in a way to acheive that goal.

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Yes and yes. Man you people are awesome.

I will stop drinking and using. Right now your posts strike really hard directly in the hearth.
@NewPerspective And I feel a bit dum right now but kinda I always associated AA with the U.S …
I am currently in Athens came ten days ago and just googled AA and I will find a meeting .
My routine was work excercise reading sleep and that was working well but then I went for that dreaded walk…if I could go for a walk I can go to a meeting …

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Addiction is a horrible thing it acts like your friend and then gradually it takes you and your life piece by piece. If been through the same thing and at the moment I’m on my day two of sobriety I know that if i live in the moment I handle it better and I become more determined. My body and mind has had enough it’s time to look after it not punish it anymore have faith my friend most of all have faith in yourself we all understand what you are going through x

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I wanted to keep myself at that moment ,
When you fight hardest ! But as it gotuch better I dropped my guard for a split second and bam !

Round 16739 !

Athens is pretty big so they offer meetings in several locations. The website will help you figure out which one is better for you and which ones are in English. I highly encourage you to call and find out more information (exact address) as I find meetings to be very helpful since you are present for an entire hour and you’re acknowledging your relationship with alcohol. We all have different experiences but similar behaviors and speaking to people that understand alcoholism keeps you grounded and focused.

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I think that’s what I need. Or at least try.
I sent a mail to one group as a step to that cause. I’ll wait for tomorrow to call and get the info. Thanks.

Here you go, there seems to be quite a few meetings in Athens. If you go keep an open mind and try a few different meetings before deciding if it’s for you or not, and if you think it’s not for you, try a few more before deciding for sure. Good luck :four_leaf_clover:

http://aa-greece.gr/en/meetings/

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Hahahaha all of you are awesome.
Its a sound advice…

God bless you all and thank you .

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