Relapsed today. Why?

Today after a month of sobriety, I walked into a liquor store and bought vodka. I drank about 4 shots worth and then dumped it- I really had to shove hard to do that. But I lied to my partner and then fessed up about it because the shame felt so sickening. But my question is this: I feel like I sleepwalked into the liquor store, like someone else was driving my body. And same when I lied. I do not feel I had a triggering event- I just decided out of nowhere to go drink and then lie about it. What the hell is this behaviour? I’m going to ask about it at a meeting tomorrow. But the people here are so knowledgeable I would appreciate any insight.

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It’s addict behaviour my friend, it takes some serious work but it can be done. I’ve done thousands of things that I wouldn’t do if I was if rational mind and I lied professionally. You may be beginning to realise that this is way bigger than just not drinking. Dust yourself off and have a damn good read around this forum and check in daily. :+1::slightly_smiling_face:

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That same thing happened to me so many times. No triggers, no cravings, just what i call the autopilot. I know what im going to do is bad (use again) but i just enter this autopilot mode and use it. Id like to understand it too. If anyone has tips about this, please share :slightly_smiling_face:

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Thank you for the help. Autopilot is a good description…

Read the second half of chapter 3 in the Big Book. Jim’s story and on. It talks about how an alcoholic has no mental defense against against taking that drink once that craving strikes.

Just give it a read. Will explain better than me :wink:

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Why? Probably because you’re an alcoholic.

Why do I wash my hair first in the shower? Cause that’s what I’ve always done, what I learned, what is known, what is comfortable.

As you’ve said before, today is what we have, even though you made the wrong choice initially, you didn’t become a rudderless ship in a storm. You steered yourself back into harbor. Not an easy task, at all.

Reset, and get back to it, I believe in you.

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it’s another part of the journey, I once found myself drinking and don’t even really remember going in the shop and buying it, it was like an out of body experience. We’ve done that routine a million times in our lives so if we relax I reckon we go into auto pilot. Be aware and be strong. The next stage for me was going in the shop, picking up the bottle, walking back and forth to the checkout about 8 times and then putting it back on the shelf and walking out. When you get home you will enjoy that one.

Desires are in the drivers seat. You gotta take the power back, apart of that is having faith in and handing your will over to a loving higher power. Get to an AA meeting and keep coming back.

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This section of “The joy of being sober” helped me understand this.

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Force of habit was a big thing for me, if it weren’t for rehab breaking the habit id still indulge in it… Everyday i still get the same urge to just get a drink or plan what drinks ill get depending on my budget but after rehab it gets easier to think about it without acting on impulse. The thought never fades for me. I hit a year clean and its harder now in different ways

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Check this video… It explains what happens.

After a month or so the dopamine system shuts down for a while. So you’d feel like gravings go max and depression kicks in.

It is normal.

Be prepared and you’ll make it next go around Buddy.

“this to shall pass”

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How are you doing today Rob?

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Minds a funny thing it will tell you your ok and as a habit you do it without thinking , we have no defence against the first drink . get a meeting get a sponsor get on the program work the steps get phone numbers use them when you are feeling shaky . ,have to get a good network and foundation wish you well

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Thank you for the help and advice everyone. I’m doing well this week. I’m just working through the steps and the process and the app and forum are incredibly helpful. It’s just one hour at a time, and I just keep going with the future of a quiet mind and clear eyes waiting for me.

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