Hi all… I was so happy to stumble upon this forum and I hope it will make me stay strong and stop hitting the reset button! I’ve done it so many times, it makes me feel depressed and sad that I am this weak. I feel like nobody can see that I’ve been acting out, all signs pointing that I’m depressed. I’ve been drinking and using coke, but only when I drink, usually on weekends, but for the past few weeks it would happen on work days too. I feel like I’m getting out of control - just now realizing that it’s been like that more than I thought. I hope I find support here to help me stay motivated to keep counting days of sobriety rather than number of times I’ve hit reset button. It’s two days sober and I know I can do more, be healthy and loose the habbit… I’m counting on myself and you… how did you stop relapsing?
Hi Alex. It’s a very good thing that you are reaching out and you are acknowledging you have a problem. I begin doing coke only when out with friends very sporadically, in one year we were taking what was left to the apt to finish. That was a big thing because then we begin ordering and doing it at home just for fun, at the beginning during the weekend and then any day of the week. I don’t believe that coke can be done recreationally because at one point it will take control like it did for me. It was only when things got out of control that I felt the need to stop. I could not imagine my life without coke, it was the thing we enjoyed doing for fun. I decided to stop when we were doing 3 times a week on week days, I had to go to work the day after feeling like absolute shit.
I booked a trip for a little over two weeks with my mind set that this time away would reset this cycle of distruction. I did so many things I love, explored new places, really observed how I felt without coke and why I thought I needed it. When I came back things were different, something shift and I have never done it. Today I am 258 days coke free and 15 days sober from alcohol. When I stopped coke I begin drinking more. I can see how I used drugs and alcohol to self medicate and numb my feelings and it would not make it better or solved how I felt. I recommend going to meetings (AA, SMART) talking about it in therapy, just do little movements towards a change in behaviour. You can do this!
Hi Baiana,
Thank you for sharing your story! It makes me feel understood in this crazy environment, where everbody drinks and uses, and it makes me feel like an alien for wanting to stop all together and admitting I have a problem. Where I live AA is not part of the culture, I have some meetings but I don’t think they work any more. I do have a therapist, but she said if I ever used again, she can’t be my therapist no more. So it made me feel even more alone… It’s been 3 years with doing the same thing over and over again, with breaks of like 3/4 months, so I know I can do it. I survived even worse things and I’ll manage this with your support. I did the same you did - I booked a trip to the mountains and then to the seaside. I am happy to hear that you’ve been sober for so long! Every day is an acomplishment!! We are stronger than anything!!
It’s so wild because I have been dealing with the same thing. I was 56 days strong and now I’m 10. I would go out and use, then I got more into it. I would on week days and that’s when I knew enough was enough. Distancing myself from my friend group has helped me lately just to take some time to really reflect on what i want in my life. Keeping yourself busy and realizing it isn’t worth it in the end is the only way I’ve found successful. i hope you stay sober strong 
much love
I would recommend at least checking out an AA meeting bc it kinda seems like your way isn’t working.
Also, drugs have to come from somewhere, so don’t go to those places. Erase dealers numbers. Get rid of “friends” who are still using. Avoid going to bars until you are positive you can be there without drinking.
After trying over and over to quit drinking on my own i realized my way wasn’t working. I reset my counter on this app 25 times and finally i admitted i could not do it alone, so i got the courage to go to an AA meeting and its been the difference for me. This app helps a lot but for a lot of people it’s not enough. Whether you try AA, SMART, or something else, i encourage you to do something different because your way is just going to lead to frustration and feeling bad. Don’t give up!
You can do it! It’s hard but the rewards are worth it. I know what you mean when you say you feel like an alien. I’ve been sober for about 8 months and I still get the looks and questions when I order “just a red bull” or water when I’m out with friends. At first I was so nervous that I would lose my friends and all of my relationships would change but I can honestly say all of my relationships have improved. And if your friends don’t like you sober it’s likely because it makes them feel guilty or ashamed of their own problems. Your health and happiness is priority over all! That’s not the life I want anymore.
Hi Alex. Your therapist should help you and not threat to stop seeing you. You should maybe see another one because that behaviour is non acceptable. You need help and she is help or at least she is suppose to be. Judgement is not productive, it is important to analyse what is the root cause, what is the driver of your behaviour.
Once I came back from my trip my husband and I decided to delete the dealers number and only go out with the drug user “friends” to activities in which they would not use like for a lunch, exhibition, coffee, dinner with their parents. (Those are long term friends)
I know exactly how you feel, almost everyone I know does coke when out, only recently I have seen a slight movement to cut back.
The worst for me is that it was our secret addiction no one knew we were using way too much (at least two years of intense use) because our life was still balanced we did not lose anything visible to outsiders. But inside we were a hot mess.
I am so grateful to getting out of this cycle it was exhausting. Experiencing a life of indulgence and excess and dealing with this addiction has taught me so much about myself, I was force to dig deeper…so I am grateful for the lessons as well. You absolutely can do this! Have faith and start implementing some changes, think of what you can do different.
You always find what you are looking for, because that’s what you’re seeking. When you want to score you know where to look and it’s easy to find so getting sober and staying sober will take some grit and grind but it’s there if you look for it.
Stay positive and start taking active steps to insure your sobriety. As the other’s suggested, AA, SMART, IOP are all great places to start working to better oneself and to lean on others who are fighting for their own sobriety.
Medication can help to. We treat cancer with chemo why not treat addictiontion with meds? The vivitrol shot is once a month and cuts cravings, urges and if you relapse you wont get the buzz you are craving. I have found this to be a great deterrent. Get a sober support group. Tell on your addict, when you get that thought in your head to drink usually its past the time to intervene. But reaching out and taking accountability can help so much. I love this forum. I never feel alone. Whether I wrote a post or just read through others stories. This disease is a master manipulator but we do have the tools and strenghth to fight it. Stay strong and reach out!
I completely understand how you feel Delilah3, it’s a vicious cycle, but I know we have the strength to overcome this! I am happy that I have straight friends who keep me busy and not make me want to use or force me to do anything. Thank you so much for your love, sending my love back!
You are right. The AA meetings in my country don’t exist, they did before, but they couldn’t manage to survive. I don’t have any numbers from the dealers, the problem is the society that I’m surrounded with and the only way to maintain myself from using is deleting their numbers. Last night, I stayed strong and said no, which leads me to my third day! And it made me feel so strong I don’t ever want to change this empowering feeling!
What country are you from if you don’t mind me asking?
Also it’s good you said no, but wouldn’t it be easier if you weren’t in a situation where you were tempted to buy drugs in the first place? Also, no society is surrounded with drug use. You put yourself in those situations. Cocaine use in pretty much every country is under 10%. If you are surrounded by people using you need to find new people.
That is the biggest truth! I’m staying positive and making sure to isolate myself from risky places and people, which will be hard and as I mentioned, I was offered last night and said no. Luckily, I’ll be away for 10 days and regain my strength.
@01081981
I agree, I have checked and we have no such medication in my country. I agree, finding this forum made me feel secure once again and being who I am, I know we can manage this. I will be happy to reach out once I feel the need, like I already did.
@Englishd
As I mentioned, I haven’t been buying for at least 6 months. The problem is, it’s so available for me. I’m aware I won’t always have the strength to say no and I know I have to distance myself from these people. Thank you for reminding me and stressing this as a big issue. I was thinking of changing my phone number, so that I cannot be reached by them.
Thank you all once again for your support. I do hope it’s helping others there reading and I know 3 days isn’t much, but if I learned anything from reading the forum it’s that we should take it day by day.