Relationship Advice to Help w/Sobriety

Advice & Questions
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Sorry if this isn’t within guidelines, but I hope it’s okay.

I met guy last year when I was around 3 months sober . Regretfully, I fell off the wagon at almost 5 months sober(longest I’d been sober in 20 yrs). I knew he drank and thought I was in control, although I knew in back of my mind it wasn’t my best decision, I was lonely.

Fast forward till now. I consider him a good friend, but he’s a really hard core drinker. I think he’s got some health issues as a result. My son’s father died in 2013 at 49 yrs old. I feel guilty I didn’t do anything to help the father of my child. One of his friends even asked me why I didn’t make him go the doctor when he had blood in his urine. I can’t answer that.

But, I know if I don’t cut ties with this guy friend I have I likely will not stay sober. I care greatly for him, I’m worried about him, but I know I can’t save him. I’ve pled my case with him, given examples as to why I’m so worried about him, I’ve done all I can.

I don’t know how to maintain this friendship w/him and stay sober. I don’t know how to cut ties and not feel guilty that I didn’t try harder to help him. I know I can’t help anyone if I can’t help myself.

I fell for the hard core drinker because he’s relatable. He knows I’m trying to stay sober and he’s contacted me much less since I decided I HAD to get sober. (I do miss our convo and seeing him, and this is making it harder for me to stay sober). I can only get a few days sober till I drink again. I’ve even started hiding my drinking from him.
I’ll be 49 in August and it scares me to be in active alcoholism when I turn 49, because that’s how old my son’s father was when he died 3 months after a diagnosis of bladder cancer and cirrhosis of the liver.

I know I need a therapist, but my insurance does not cover mental health. Crazy!!

If anyone has suggestions on how I maintain or cut ties I’m open to constructive criticism. Please respect that AA is not an option. Last time I checked there were no goddless sobriety groups in my area (Bible Belt Buckle). I’m a humanist and helping others is high on my list of priorities, but I know I MUST HELP MYSELF FIRST. Seems easy enough, but it’s incredibly difficult.

Thanks for listening and thanks in advance for suggestions.

Really struggling tonight!!

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You never have to feel guilty for doing whatever it takes to protect your own sobriety. You’ve done what you can do to give him advice and now it’s time to move on. It goes back to the old airplane guideline…we have to put our own oxygen mask on first before we can help others. Put distance in this friendship and live by example. Hopefully, some day that seed you planted will grow and he’ll come back to thank you for saving his life. But if he doesn’t, that’s not on you.

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Yes, you are exactly right. I’ve told myself this a million times lately. But, I get so sad that we don’t talk as much anymore and I can tell he’s avoiding me and I’m sure he feels the same. It hurts. He’s a good guy aside from his addiction. I want so badly to be an example and show him it’s possible to live sober, in hopes he’ll want to be sober too, but I keep failing. It bad when you are hiding your own alcoholism from another alcoholic. It’s like a circle I can’t jump out of, the endless loop…

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I know I need to walk away and far away for awhile, but that’s the hard part and what I’m struggling with so bad. Over the past year we’ve talked daily until about month ago and it’s killing me. I worry something has happened to him if I don’t hear from him or I don’t reach out. I don’t do social media, so wouldn’t know otherwise.

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I needed to hear this. I am a codependent and I even told him I was. We’ve had many conversations about that and alcoholism. Lately he’s become irriated with me, so even more reason I needed to hear this. But, dang it hurts.
Going to do my best to step away and just hope he’s okay!!

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@ChristineCarol

Hello & Thank You for sharing; your testimony, & those alike, help all of our recoveries through dialogue and subsequent application to our own life situations!

Our Sobriety is the most important aspect of our Lives, despite our emotional wants & needs

The relationship with your friend was a significant variable ( maybe the main-cause) that led to relapse

His current trajectory in life is opposite to your dedicated sobriety

Respectfully, I strongly suggest ending the relationship immediately and keep your path in recovery…

More sustainable relationships await you once you’re in the position/mindset to receive them.

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Hi Christine, let me apologize in advance if this sounds harsh. I’m pulling from several things you wrote:

I knew getting into a relationship with this guy was a bad decision, but I was lonely.

He’s contacted me much less when I said I had to get sober.

I can tell he’s avoiding me. Lately he’s becoming irritated at me.

Here’s the harsh part, I think he’s made the decision for you. It doesn’t sound like this is a person that is trying to stay in a relationship with you. I think you’re hanging on to something that’s not there. And you are giving up on your sobriety for him because you’re lonely. You can’t change someone that doesn’t want to change. You have no responsibility to save him.

Work on becoming sober again, you had made it almost 5 months, that’s quite an accomplishment! Love and respect yourself, you’re worth it! There so much support and help on this app, it’s a good place to start. It truly is one day at a time. I wish you the best. :hugs:

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