Relationship between addicts

Hey there! I’m Amanda and I’m an addict. I messed up. I’ve been attending NA since I’ve had my first day clean and sober. When I arrived I was told to not have any kind of affair with the guys that attended my group. Of course that was kind of impossible for me; when I arrived I was so much in pain, felt so lonely and empty, with cravings and fear. Ever since I’ve been attending at least one meeting per day and my first months I was the only woman in my group, I started making close friends and I felt in love with one of them (my closest friend). I was told by my sponsor that if we let something more than friendship happen between us we could relapse.
One day it happened, we took our relationship to the other level. I felt mistreated by him and I felt again without self-respect neither dignity and also I started having pregnancy symptoms. I told him I couldn’t be close to him anymore because I didn’t felt comfortable by the way I was treating myself just to be with him, so for my own sake I needed to cut ties if i wasnt pregnant. I was but i lost it, but i told him that the test was negative. Weeks after that, he relapsed.
We dont talk anymore and I understand that it wasn’t just love (because I do wish for him recovery and inner peace) operating in our relationship but as well our sickness. At least I, was trying to fill the gaps within me with a toxic relationship with other addict, in which I was dishonest, obsessed and very dependant. For me this “love” lasted for almost 2 years and the affair lasted 2 months. It was hard for me to push him away and just for today not trying to reach him but still I feel guilt, sadness, craving. I miss him, I hate him, i pray for him. Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about him and I feel I can’t talk about it as much as I want because we have everything in common in recovery (friends, sponsor, group). I’m very stubborn to keep going to the same group cause I feel indebted cause there i saved my life and also I have the hope to see him coming back.
If you have any experience similar to mine, or any advise answer this topic PLEASE. I feel strong, but sometimes I wish I could somehow escape the feeling, to feel anything but not this. I don’t want to relapse.

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It’s tough. I don’t have the same problem but I do have a question. So I understand you are 2 years clean/sober now? And getting over someone is so tough. It broke me. And truly I have never let anyone ever in a second time yet. But I have a don’t shit where I eat policy in regards to the rooms. It keeps me from preying on those vulnerable. And I don’t have to have the awkward face to face with someone in the room.

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In one month is my second anniversary!
And yeah, it’s hard. It’s my first time in a 12 steps program and of course I was warned and suggested about the no shit where you eat. But I guess I thought I could control the situation, and lied to myself so much I really believed my feelings where sincere. I have to learn something about the experience and don’t do it again. Still I did it and can’t do nothing to changet the consequences.

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It’s my first time too. And I didn’t mean to come off as judgmental. I established that policy in concrete after I made a mistake. And it happens all the time. So don’t feel like you are the only one who did it. One meeting I go to I think they all are Peter in laws But the emotional investment was probably real. It’s just hard when we are broken individuals. Just keep working on you! But CONGRATULATIONS on your clean time that’s pretty impressive. I’m a few months behind you. Im still excited for 18 months.

You’re doing great at observing things and calling them to what they are. Have you worked on the things that you know you are hurting from and what voids you are filling? If you start healing those pieces, you may feel better. You may also have an energetic cord you need to cut. It sounds odd, but trust me & look it up because I’ll tell you what. When I finally did this a year after my ex and I split, I felt instant relief! Poke around until you find something that works for you. But it sounds to me like he is still filling some sort of an empty space or a void in you and your life. Meditate. Try to find out what it is if you don’t know. Talk to a professional if you need help working thru this-there’s no shame! You stay strong my dear.

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By the way, I think it’s great to think about the ones that are vulnerable. I don’t want to play the victim, because I’m my case was my decision and I’m practicing and trying to be responsible and strong even though this guy has been on the program for almost 6 years.
In my group I’m the woman with more time sober (2 years) and I can tell that many of my fellows are predators for the new girls.
Recently one fellow raped one girl that used to be my sponsee.
I’m very curious, where are you from? I’m from Mexico and this is very common here and we are fighting for a safe place for the addicts inside the rooms.

Also congrats for your 18 months! Every day is a miracle and I know how hard it is! Please keep coming back! And I didn’t feel any judgement from you. Thank you for answering!

Lol I can say this because I’m in the same gender. Men are pigs. But I say this in regards to 13 th Stepping. Rape goes into a whole different category for me. I’m sorry for your friend. That’s a very serious situation and if it was in my group I would definitely make that a group conscience discussion. And from what I’ve seen in the rooms it’s because we are hurting and vulnerable and let’s be honest it’s natural to seek human companionship. Whether it’s just friendship or relationship or even just wellll. But I’m in the Kansas and do a bit of traveling to different meetings and see it all over. I do hope you can feel safe in your meetings.

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I’d say if someone was there and you felt you owed them something because they were there for you when your father was dying, then all you can do is be honest and say it…no matter how sincere the other person was at least you get to walk away with your dignity…

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I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I’m happy you shared. A lot of people come on here asking about dating in the rooms and no matter what people say, they think that it will be different for them. Hell, maybe it will be, but the far likelier outcome is what you experienced.

I know it probably doesn’t help to hear this right now, but probably saved a lot of people by sharing.

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Well guidelines are guidelines and f ups are just that! Thank you

I know! I really, really, REAAAALLY thought that it would be different for me even though I heard hundred times the outcome from people with experience, including my sponsor. Ego it’s a cruel thing.
I’ve even felt ashamed to share this when all the consequences started taking place and my illusion falling apart. It was difficult (and still is) for me to admit that everything they told me it was going to happen indeed happened. I didn’t knew where to hide, I felt stupid. I was wrong.
I had to be stubborn and disobedient to learn to be humble and grateful that I’m still sober even though I tried to control everything again and had an emotional relapse. I really hope this helps someone, I didn’t wanted to avoid the suffering so here are the consequences that im still going through.
Everything happened like a prophesy. It’s funny because now I believe that all that suffering I didn’t experienced while I was consuming drugs, I will eventually if I relapse. I have to take a lot more of care for myself. :slight_smile:

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I guess I’m avoiding that info about where do my voids come from. I pray and meditate and it really helps me to have a peaceful day, but still I recognize I’m avoiding a lot of things. Thank you for sharing, I do believe I have to treat energetic and personal aspects of myself and my past in order to heal, and I will. Your experience gives me a lot of hope, because it’s frightening to face life, and I’m really glad you feel better because you’re right, it’s not easy. Stay strong too and thank you! <3

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Wow… As easy as that. You’re right. All my thoughts and feelings where tangled, and you come with a brief and simple example and i really don’t know how to feel about it now hahaha! Just because I’m grateful doesn’t mean I have to sacrifice my wellness.

I’m very grateful I’m sober now! That is absolutely fact…yes, I feel…but I must stay strong…can’t give up! Been there…done that

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I had a relationship with a addict for 5 years we were engaged . Everytime he wanted to get clean I would , every time he relapsed I did. Eventually he went away to treatment ans I got clean myself . Still clean . He decided to end it because he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship as he needs to focus on himself and his recovery I was so upset ans still am in love with him. But now tjay I reflect on it. I am so greatful. It has allowed me to focus on me and my recovery and build a network of support . We WI always love each other but I know that if we are together it is a higher chance of relapse if not him then me . It is best to try and abstain from relationships for at least a year ans put your recovery before everything. Dating in the rooms can be tricky because if you break up you might still have to see tjay person or see them with someone else in the rooms. Or watch them go out. It is up to you what you choose but just keep in mind how it might effect your recovery. Be safe take one day at a time and put recovery before everything.

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I hope we can talk sometime. I am dealing with a similar situation and the separation anxiety right now is unbearable . Idon’t know how to cope…im trying to keep calm.
But I always feel like I can’t breathe without him or something it’s ridiculous