You’re not alone friend. Thanks for sharing. We’ll get through this. You’ll get through this. Huge hugs to both you now and to little Reese 
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Big hugs Reese.
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After some more phone calls, I’ve come to the realization that while my older brother is trying to be supportive, he believes that I believe what happened to me is true, but doesn’t necessarily believe it himself. There’s been a lot of patronizing language, such as, “I’m glad you feel like the treatment was helpful to you,” and “You told me before treatment that you were unsure, so how can you be sure now?” and “I don’t understand how repressed memories work, how can you know for sure what’s real or not?” That, combined with the fact that he’s still in contact with our bio family including my tormenter younger brother, paints a pretty bleak picture for me, and I’m feeling a lot of loneliness and hurt and betrayal.
When he told me that this whole situation is so confusing for him, I asked if he considered going into therapy. “I don’t really need therapy, nothing is going on in my life right now.” Uhhhh… You just found out that one brother abused the other physically, psychologically, and sexually for years. I feel like that’s as good a reason as any for seeking out therapy.
I feel very heavy after our phone conversations, and have had a few therapy sessions about this too. I’m not going to cut off contact with my older brother, but I’m realizing that he isn’t as 100% safe or trustworthy as I had originally hoped.
“I believe that you believe what happened is true.”
That makes me incredibly sad.
That, and the fact that he doesn’t seem to have any anger on my behalf. I compare him and his reactions to my two adoptive sisters, and it’s… very different. With my sisters I feel fully protected and supported and believed. And with my brother…well, it feels less like he’s my older brother and more like he’s my cousin.
Going to be taking a step back from our relationship for a while. I really hope he seeks out therapy. But I really don’t think that I’ll be able to have a close relationship with him if he chooses to have a relationship with the person and people who put me through absolute hell on earth.
Feeling very heavy, and feeling all of these complicated feels sober is teetering on overwhelming. Journaling, mindful movement like yoga, nature walks, meditation, distraction, self soothing, therapy, reaching out to my sisters, naps… Taking deep breaths and stepping forward one minute at a time.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.