I have been sober, working the program (AA) for almost one year. I am almost finished with my fourth step, and have been extremely thorough throughout the step process. I have been plagued by memories and nightmares from something I only partially remember from 11 years ago. I guess I’m not sure what to do because I don’t remember the entire event, and am not sure what exactly happened. Here is what I do know, and what I have been told…
Was on a band trip in college, recently 21, and definitely ready to party with a stockpile of liquor. I drank with some acquaintances from band and thought I’d be safe because one of the guys I was hanging with is gay. Well, I remember drinking shots with a couple of guys, and remember a couple of guys showing up that I didn’t know at all but knew they were from band. Suddenly, no memories. I woke up in a diner with all of the people I drank with, and it scared the shit out of me because I had no memory of getting there. One of the guys I didn’t know was holding my hand and was under the impression that we were a couple. This is a guy I had not met until drinking the night before, definitely not attracted to, definitely not my type. I told him he must be confused and I left. I ended up talking to the two guys I knew and had started partying with, and they both told me that I had made out with that guy, but the gay friend said we were “pretty into it” implying that more had happened, but he wouldn’t tell me. The entire event sketched me out. I didn’t feel anything down there, but it freaked me out.
Fast forward to last week when I suddenly thought about all of this again. You can imagine my chagrin and humiliation. I’m not quite sure if this even happened, or if I am remembering things incorrectly because I was so drunk. Or if I am now able to remember because I finally have mental clarity.
I’m not looking to pursue anything legal because I honestly couldn’t even pick out the guy who possibly assaulted me. And I guess from his point of view, he didn’t. But I was so drunk that any “consent” is nil anyway. Is this technically rape?
Has this happened to anybody else before? Have any of you forgotten (or suppressed) rape or sexual assault, and then remembered it months/years later? How do you deal with this? I’m almost too embarrassed to even bring it up with my therapist when I see her next week. I don’t want to talk to my husband about it… I’m not sure what to do besides pray, go to meetings, call my sponsor, and talk to a therapist.
Its happened to me I wouldnt be afraid to talk to a doctor about it that is what they are there for. Ive told mine tons of stuff when I had one lol she always is understanding. It does suck the not knowing it is for sure one of the reasons I dont want to drink. When you black out you really never know what happened it is not safe if you get to that point. Theres a book i started reading called black out remembering the things I drank to forget. She talks about this kind of stuff.
This must of taken strength to put out there, thank you for sharing this. I definitely would talk this over in therapy, as others have said, that is exactly what the therapist is for. I bottled up a rape that happened when I was 15 and now I’m 45. It follows us until we off load it. I’m so glad you put this up there and I’m sending hugs to you.
First off, congratulations on your close to a year, I know it takes so much to get there. That’s a lot of hard work to be proud of.
I am sorry that happened to you, it is a lot and memories can definitely haunt us and/or return off and on thru our lives. It sounds confusing and frightening, as blackouts often are.
To answer your question, yes, I have remembered bits and pieces of old trauma over my life. I often feel like my body and mind allow these traumas to surface when I am more capable of working thru them. For myself, if I can release these old traumas thru various ways, it helps me heal.
If you are uncomfortable right now discussing with your therapist, perhaps journaling it out would be helpful. Tho I will say you have nothing to be embarrassed about, trauma such as this is in no way your fault, no matter the circumstances. And your therapist would be a good person to discuss your feelings and confusion with, if you are comfortable doing so. Again tho, writing it out can be helpful… releasing stuck emotions and trauma thru movement as well…dancing, running hard, lifting weights, more dancing…I find all those cathartic.
Please know you are not alone. Too many of us have gone thru similar experiences in our lives. I am glad you are reaching out and talking about it here as well. Small steps all add up to healing.
You summed it all up beautifully in your final sentence…
All good things. Maybe add in some journaling and movement if either calls to you.
Sending love, peace and strength to you.
I’m sorry this happened to you. And I agree with the other answers on this thread. Talk to your therapist about it. I still have flashbacks from shit that happened years ago that sometimes “attacks” me unexpected or shows up in bad nightmares, but it gets better talking about it. I know it’s really not the easiest thing to do, but it can be a good idea to try that.
Wow, I’m sorry you had to go through this, I have been processing trauma as well and I often relive it in my nightmares.,
As far as consent goes, by a legal standpoint, a legally intoxicated individual cannot provide consent, legally intoxicated is defined as a blood alcohol content above .08 mg/dL it’s a hit or miss area, because some prefer not to pursue legal action due to the sheer embarrassment, while others who were planning a night out, use it as a tool when they get ghosted.
However, processing trauma whether it’s in AA, with a therapist or sponsor is relieving, it’s almost like breaking the chains.