Reset and processing the reason why

I got to 47 days and was feeling good, then decided to drink the last night of a vacation. Reset and got to another two weeks. The night before I realized I was about to hit two weeks again I felt so proud of myself. The next day in the afternoon I was alone and got into a weird emotional place. I took a shot of liquor… I guess the old habit was coming through again. I was not feeling good about the choice, but then I took another. I definitely felt the effects, and coupled with my emotions, I mostly spent the time I was under the influence crying and writing. I guess what stood out to me most was that I didn’t like the feeling the alcohol gave me. I wanted it to be over as soon as it started, and thankfully I didn’t drink anymore so it did pass pretty quickly.

Reflecting on what happened, it felt like the spiral started and some part of me just decided to make it go even deeper by taking that drink.

I also realized that my cravings are stronger when I’m alone. My boyfriend was gone for the afternoon, and if he was there I think his presence would have made me more likely to stop myself. It’s almost like I thought I could sneak it since I was alone, even though I’m the only one who can truly hold myself accountable.

So it’s back to Day 1. Thanks for listening to my story. I felt like I needed to verbalize it somewhere.


what you are experiencing is common for those who have yet to hit rock bottom, or who have yet to embrace the idea of being sober forever.

I was this way for a few years. I’d quit for a week or a couple of months, doing fine, and then one day I’d think “maybe just one”, or “why can’t I have a drink”, or “it’s a special occasion”. Yep, and soon enough I’d be right back to drinking every night. I call this “the merry-go-round”. Horse goes up and down, floor goes round and round. Same scenery over and over. Same tinny music never changes.

Then my mom died, and my drinking entered what I call “terminal phase”. I drank with a purpose. 11 months of this. Emotionally checked out of my marriage and family. I hit my bottom on a Sunday, where after returning from church I went straight to my workshop, where I had hidden a bottle. Drank till I passed out. Woke up that evening and went to bed.

The next morning I saw the look in my wife’s eye, that said she was close to giving up. I resolved in that moment to be better, and to do this, I could never drink again. I embraced forever. That was 972 days ago.
Somewhere along the way, I went from someone trying to say “no” to the drink that matters…the first drink, to someone who won’t drink because they don’t drink. I have become a non-drinker.

And you can to, if you want to. All it takes is embracing “forever”.


Thank you for your share. I’m on day 47 today, and hearing stories about other people’s experiences with relaspe is very helpful to me. I know it is a small consolation, but you are helping others by sharing your story.
Stay strong. You can do this.


While you may be back to day one, it sounds like you learned something really helpful–that your cravings are stronger when you’re alone. Now you can make a plan of what to do when you are alone and they show up. Who you can call, where you can go, etc. Never let yourself have a relapse where you don’t learn something from it. Sure it would be ideal if you never had one, but if they happen then it’s important to look at what happened and learn all you can from it.

You’ve got this. One day at a time.

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