I got to 47 days and was feeling good, then decided to drink the last night of a vacation. Reset and got to another two weeks. The night before I realized I was about to hit two weeks again I felt so proud of myself. The next day in the afternoon I was alone and got into a weird emotional place. I took a shot of liquor… I guess the old habit was coming through again. I was not feeling good about the choice, but then I took another. I definitely felt the effects, and coupled with my emotions, I mostly spent the time I was under the influence crying and writing. I guess what stood out to me most was that I didn’t like the feeling the alcohol gave me. I wanted it to be over as soon as it started, and thankfully I didn’t drink anymore so it did pass pretty quickly.
Reflecting on what happened, it felt like the spiral started and some part of me just decided to make it go even deeper by taking that drink.
I also realized that my cravings are stronger when I’m alone. My boyfriend was gone for the afternoon, and if he was there I think his presence would have made me more likely to stop myself. It’s almost like I thought I could sneak it since I was alone, even though I’m the only one who can truly hold myself accountable.
So it’s back to Day 1. Thanks for listening to my story. I felt like I needed to verbalize it somewhere.