Thank you for your kind words Meghan, but all
I’ve done is follow the advice that I read on here when I first started.
Advice given by people like yourself who have been through it.
I’d spent 2years trying to do it on my own and I was going backwards.
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Definitely find another AA meeting. Nobody should be judging you for not having a low enough bottom. “The only requirement for membership (to AA) is a desire to stop drinking.” If you’re blacking out when you drink, you’re definitely in scary territory and have every right to be in AA. Don’t give up. 
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I’m glad you’re still here! I was on a 3 month bender and I needed people helping me and believing in me. It was a terrible period of my life and I never want to go back to that. But whats great is that you’ve always got us to come back to! 
keep it up!!! 
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All the stuff you don’t want to do, is that because you still want to drink? Or are you ready to go all in, to do what you would not otherwise? Antabuse? Sure! AA, let’s try it! SMART recovery, we’ll go check out!
In other words, your “super logical rational brain” is on a mission to get you to drink again. You can’t think your way out of the problem with a brain that thought you into it, a brain that is broken.
Alcoholism and other addictions are not logical, I’ve found. It’s beyond logic. Some people call it a spiritual malady, a disconnection from the source of all that is good.
Thinking and logic are basically solitary activities. I found relief from my alcoholism by connecting to a higher power - physically at AA meetings, and emotionally and spiritually in prayer and meditation and running and journaling and reaching out to help others. Connecting back to the source, especially by connecting to others in the same boat, is one way I can explain my sobriety, my transformation from a hopeless, helpless daily drunk on a collision course with death to a sober, serene member of a greater whole.
Like @anon12657779 says, become a fighter for your sobriety. Fight as if your life depends on it, because it does. Keep your disease, your problem, your addiction, front of mind all the time. That is honoring it and keeping it the right size. Too big and it destroys me. Too small, and I forget how cunning and powerful and patient it is. I am an alcoholic. And I have a choice, every day, to take the first drink or not.
Thanks for listening.
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I know what it’s like Brad, for a few years I knew I had a problem, and maybe it wasn’t as bad as others I knew, the only consequence from my drinking was a DUI and a lot of hardship on my family, wife and kids. I always made a deal with myself that if shit gets bad THEN I’ll stop drinking. The DUI apparently wasn’t bad enough, for some reason. For a while I thought I would just get ahead of the problem and I tried quitting. I strung together a lot of 3 or 4 days then failed. Sometimes I’d go a month then fail, then another month or 2 and fail. But I kept trying.
I woke up on the first day of Autumn and quit, and it stuck (so far).
Keep at it, you’ll figure it out.
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