Rockstars dark carnival ⚠️TRIGGER WARNING

Thought I’d make a thread where I can talk about what’s going on with me without clogging up the other threads out there. The urge to kill myself has been so intense lately and I feel like I can’t go talk to counselors about it. I have tried to look for the good in things and I just can’t see anything anymore. Aside from my ex which I feel stupid for talking about, I miss my son so bad. I want to go where he is so I can see him again. I don’t want to be strong anymore and I don’t care how many people I might help because of what I’ve endured so far in my life. I think it’s unfair for someone to have to go through what I’ve gone through just to help someone else I don’t know??? I’m thinking a lot about getting a motel room, a bottle of vodka, a notebook to say goodbye and enough Fentanyl to take myself out. It was really cruel of my ex to tell me she had a boyfriend the day after Corey’s memorial and I just can’t shake it. She knew how much I loved her but I was thrown away like trash. And that’s what I feel like, fucking trash. I don’t want to keep feeling this pain and no matter what people say there really is no justifiable reason for me to be here anymore. I’ve done my time and have lived through enough and it’s just ridiculous now. Of course the only thing that’s stopping me is the idiotic thought that just maybe things will get better. I’ve already lost everything that I’ve ever loved and they can’t be replaced so what the fuck??? Anyway that’s where I’m at today and I don’t see it getting better. Thanks for listening.

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Please don’t, Rob. I know it might feel like the only choice but it’s not. I strongly urge you to call a hotline out there, hun. Please…

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Its not worth it man, pick up the phone. Talk to someone. There is no coming back with Fentanyl. It is very hard to bring someone back even if you do have someone to call 911 and get help for you within the first few mins… It is not worth it man. Anything your going through can be worked on. Your not alone. Call someone. You will thank yourself later. This feeling will pass.

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I’m trying to find the right words to say to you but I can’t find the right words to express to you that doing what you want to do isn’t going to solve absolutely nothing. Please Rob, just don’t do it bro. Reach out on that Zoom call that @littlemisschatterbox posted. Please man, reach out and talk bro.

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Hey Rob. You’re feelings are so valid. I cannot believe the load of crap the universe has dropped on you. I don’t know where you find the strength. But you do. You always do. Today will be no different. You will find the strength deep down you always do to continue. You got a counseling job lined up I thought and you go so much of life’s experiences to share and help other people. You’re better than this. Like you said. This is where you are today. I’m sure it feels like shit. But tomorrow as we all know can be better. Please hang in there today for us man. We love you.
:pray:t2::heart:

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You’re not alone Rob. You’re here with us. And there’s help out there. I don’t feel that way out is the right way out. Let’s talk.

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We’re all here for you brother. Let’s talk this out. I got nowhere but here to be.

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Hey Rob, I only know small parts of your story, but I know you endured so much and are in a lot of pain - I feel that. I know that it seems hopeless at the moment, but there is always a way out, always. Just like everyone on this thread is telling you, please listen to us.
You’re a wonderful person and the world would be empty without you. You encouraged me before with your kind and thoughtful posts, so please let us encourage you to pick up the phone! I’m not in the US but please call one of the hotline the others are posting, we need you!

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Dear Rob,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for your losses and that you’re so low right now.
It’s true that the loved ones you’ve lost can’t be replaced BUT life can bring you new love. I can’t promise a spouse but meaningful relationships can still happen.
You don’t need to think about needing to be there or helping someone else. The person who is in the most dire need of help is you!! Like Donna said, please get connected with professionals.
You are in recovery, grieving and probably depressed. Your mind is sick, like covered with a black blanket that smothers all light. Please understand that your own mind is convincing you that death is the only way out BUT there is a choice!
When I decided not to kill myself I was bitter and pissed. I saw no way things could get better. I had lost ALL hope and desire for life. I was 33 yrs. I fucking hated getting up in the morning and dealing with the day. Didn’t want to. Slowly, I started to see little positive things. Gradually, life started to come back. Getting there was shit but it was worth it.

Please hold on. Do it for yourself or whatever little thing you could think that might matter. Rob, you deserve the chance to live again.

Please hold on.

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I would make a decision tomorrow and when tomorrow starts put it off for the next day and keep doing that until you can help yourself and heal. Keep doing that cause no one can help if you’re dead. Coming from someone who has had suicidal thoughts and suffers with depression, life is better than the repercussions. Think of all everyone else’s life and how they will be devastated…you don’t know what light is coming for you in life and if you die you won’t know…I believe you will make the right decision. Don’t worry rockstar the metalhead has your back :metal:

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I’m going to pray for you, Rob. Genuinely. I have a candle ready and my prayers will be for strength and a light at the end of this tunnel, for your life. Your feelings are valid and frankly, I don’t know how I’d handle the losses you’ve endured. I don’t know why God has put these trials on you, I don’t know what the lesson is here… but I know there is salvation in your trials and tribulations. You can’t find out the why without being here to play it out. :bouquet::pray:t5:

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Re: counseling job - Rob, I imagine you could be a great help to someone in this same position. Just think about how you could be there to help someone through a tough time like this because you had been through it yourself, and then imagine that you aren’t there for that person, and maybe that person makes the same decision you are thinking of making. You could literally save someone’s life and prevent the destruction of their family. You are obviously a very sensitive individual and have a whole hell of a lot to offer people and to the world. You’ve got gifts and I think they could help you find a purpose and reason to go on. Hang in there my friend.

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Hey man.

You don’t know me.
I don’t know you.
I hear you.
As in, I really hear you.
I can feel your pain.
I know that pain.
I hate that you feel it.
You matter.

Like an addiction, the cravings (thoughts of suicide) do pass. A new day comes. And there will come a point during one of those new days where you know you could have missed a particular moment. A special moment. Maybe a completely mediocre moment by anyone else’s standard. But a special moment to you.

I believe that if two suicidal individuals were to communicate their suicidal thoughts to each other, they would try and talk each other out of it. It’s not to say they would feel any different in themself but they would not recommend it to the other. In the exact same way an addict would not recommend addiction to anyone.

There are a scary number of people who struggle with suicidal thoughts. I’ve lost one of those people personally. I’ve also been one of those people.

I can testify to “that moment” I described above being real. Stick around for it, my friend. It is worth it.

So sorry you feel like this man. Sending you some love and I hope you find your moment.

Thank you for posting, Rob, and for those brave enough to offer a reply. It’s scary to reach out and scary to step in.

I hope this all works out.

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I feel you!
I lost a son. I watched him die in my wifes arms. Helpless. It wasnt my fault, but I blamed myself. Should have, could have and would have.

My wife relapsed and I found out she had been cheating. Not just cheating by having sex with my friends, sponsor, co-workers, but had also been prostituting.

That was a huge blow to my already shattered heart.

Then the economy crashed my income ceased, I lost everything. My home, My truck. The divorce court allowed her to take the kids far away. I lost my living kids too.

My dog died while the dust was settling from all of that. I struggled finding the will to live. I started crabbing, and I thought about handcuffing myself to a crab pot, cutting the rope off at the pot and going over with it when I launched it into the depths of the sea.

I know the dark carnival. I have been there. I wasnt reaching out. It was my dark secret.

That was ten years ago, and Im so greatful I didnt act upon my dark secret. I would have missed out on so many good things.

Life is hard! Sometimes it really sucks. People would say God never gives you more than you can handle. I thought bullshit. fuck god and fuck you! Im broken. You have no fucking idea.

I have learned to live with all of that. I honor my son by not drinking. even though I did drink, all of my moments of clarity that got me back into recovery happened around his birthday. I got over my Ex wife. I still have huge trust issues, and thats OK.

My brother committed suicide and the hollow, unanswered questions, the would have, could have and should haves torture the people that love you. Don’t do that to anyone. Don’t leave them with all of those feelings.

I saw a therapist for three years after all of that happened. She helped me alot. Please seek help.Contact me any time!

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Rob, can you let us know you’re ok, we’re ALL here for you.
You know, the people who answer those hotlines know how to help you.

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Hey Rob don’t do it don’t do this TS needs you we need you out here I don’t reply to you much on here I do follow your posts and your an amazing incredible human being and we need more like you in this world :earth_africa: please don’t kill yourself life is beutiful I promise it gets better sorry to hear about your ex I was cheated on after 11 years of me being the best I could be to my childhood sweetheart I was thrown to the side like you said as trash the pain in the beginning was unbearable but it gets so much better ! I cant even imagine everything else but suicide is not the way to go about this Rob If you need anyone to talk to I’m here

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hey, rob. there are folks who care about your wellbeing and would jump through hoops to get you looked after. your life matters. :heart:

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It can get better, I can vouch for that too. I’ve been to a pretty dark place but will spare you the details.

Just know that you CAN grow around the experiences, it might feel like the emotions own you in this moment but they don’t, you need to give it time so that you can see past that.

Don’t fucking do it.

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Praying for you Rob. :pray:t3::yellow_heart: you are an amazing person. Life gets so heavy sometimes but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. :yellow_heart:

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Thank you all so very much I love you guys too. I went and told on myself, where I’m really at mentally right now and I’m safe. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow as well now so thank you for letting me share with you what goes on in my heart and head. Love you guys very much

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