Just wondering who else feels this way. It wasn’t just the AA meeting I went to tonight, as I’ve been struggling with this even before I considered getting sober. Other than the chemical and physical addiction, I struggle to understand the root cause of my alcoholism. I guess I don’t have to know it all, but I fail to understand why or how I could abuse myself for so long and deprive my loved ones of the true me for so long… the inebriated me is still a good guy most of the time, but not the real me. I have a loving wife and child although this disease has made us grow apart in ways over the last 3 years or so. I’ve hated my job since being recruited out to NC from Arizona 5 years ago, but that’s no excuse to binge drink literally 6 or 7 days a week. I truly love drinking and the feeling of being intoxicated. Am I just sick in the head. I cannot wrap my head around this behavior that’s went on for at least 20 years now. I certainly can’t blame my drunkard abusive stepfather for all of this… whether I’m going to be cured or not, this quandry is twisting my thoughts.
I’ve given this much thought and I know the root of why I always default to self abuse… For me it’s nothing other than numbing the pain of the past and then that in turn caused more pain that needed more numbing- and a vicious self abusive cycle I born.
So self acceptance is something that I’m trying to add to my sobriety tool kit.
I’m sure as you continue to go to meetings, or whatever method you choose, and work on yourself and dig into your life the root of it will come out. There must be a reason you choose to binge instead of just having a few and stopping. I too enjoy having drinks and feeling inebriated. But there are times when I can’t stop and it goes too far. Those times are the reason I know I can’t drink at alll, even though I enjoy the times where I unwind and there are no bad results. I realize that I am not myself and not fully living life when I am always intoxicated and I know that I want that quality of life back! I want to live in the moment and I want my daughter to know the real me, not the disconnected version of me
I am not entirely sure WHY I drank but I know it was a form of avoiding conflict. I’ve never been good at explaining what/why I need/like/dislike etc. From a young age I learned to keep things to myself and I guess it just got worse with age.
So what do I do now? Take a class to learn how to fight for myself or just find a new way to deal that isn’t substance related (ie, art, writing, music etc)?
I started drinking to socialize and I loved it. I always seemed to gravitate towards friends, family and relationships who also drank…a lot. Now I am married with a beautiful family but also to someone who likes to drink as well. I just like to unwind after work this way but it’s catching up to us now. I want to be healthy for my son.
Thats a good question.I feel the same a lot of the time.
For me I struggle with this constant restlessness.This fear of never filling this hole thats inside of me.I try to fill it with alcohol and it works sometimes. In my sobriety Im trying to fill it with creativity. I got a painting kit and a camera for christmas and I also plan to write more poetry.I just bought this book called BIG MAGIC creative living beyond fear, which only a few pages in has inspired me to live a life full of anything that makes me happy and brings me peace.
Alot of times I think we all feel things more than other people and thats why we turn to substance abuse just trying to fill the missing part of us.
I encourage you to do find something that you love more than you love drinking, beyond family. Family is very important however you need to do something for yourself as well.
I guess in reality one doesn’t need to know or understand all the why’s and all the reasons that we became addicted and dysfunctional over the years. In essence recovery should be about moving forward. Not turning a blind eye or forgetting our behavior in the past, but embracing the strength we now have inside and the strength we gather from those that are there for us during this journey.
My “why” besides the chemical dependency you referred to…I have depression, an anxiety disorder, and was incredibly shy around strangers. Also, I learned to bottle up my emotions from an early age. I’ve always been this way so I started to self-medicate to make me feel “normal”. It had a purpose long ago but progressed over time and my boundaries kept getting moved further out.