Day 1 again. I made it to one month 15 days before my relapse and my first reset. This first month was so easy. I stopped checking in and being accountable.( maybe I dont have a problem) I thought damn that too was easy. The last 15 days wasn’t, its been a struggle but I thought I was ok to take few shots no harm in that right ha I was wrong ,
. My relapse cost me everything. I lost my first born and my grandbabies this time. I failed in the worst way I can imagine last night. Its just a couple shooters no.harm no fowl right? . I’m not really an alcoholic . I was very very wrong. I can only pray that I can prove my worth again. And that no matter my mistakes i will be allowed back in their lives. I’m feeling so broken more than ever. Tonight is extra hard because I want to drink to not feel all of this. I have lost everything that I care about. I want to drown out my inner voice.
Sorry to hear your pain. It is going to be tough tonight, but be sure to start day one of sobriety tonight.
I reset my counter in front of my son, his wife doesn’t even want to see my face. This is so much harder than when I started this journey. But I have to do this or I have nothing left.
It sounds like you were deceived by your own thinking. One reason I find AA do helpful is that I can share honestly and expect to be corrected when I’m diving down a rabbit hole of justification and denial. You keep swinging, and try something new this time. I’m sure everything is going to be alright.
I will be trying something new. I no longer will be allowed to watch my girls, so no more excuses for not going to an AA meeting.
You have gained a lot though I am pretty sure it doesn’t feel like it.
You have identified the problem. You are a alcoholic.
Now you need to find a solution.
I know the solution, but as I’m finding out it’s not an easy one. I’ve walked away from so many other addictions like it was no big deal, why does this one not let me walk away
I don’t think you can walk away. I think you have to fight. Literally take it one day at a time and get the help you need. There’s no shame in getting help. AA, SMART, whatever you have access to use it. Definitely keep checking in here. We’re rooting for you. 
Sorry to hear this.
You’ve learnt a lot, as @Forged has said.
Accountability counts for a lot in our battle with this disease.
It’ll start slowly, tell you that you don’t need to go to AA, or check in on here. It’s getting you isolated, on your own. Then it’s got you!!
Because it is cunning, baffling and powerful.
It wants to keep you.
It’s not an easy road. We’re addicted for the rest of our life. We can’t walk away from it but have to deal with it, every single day.
Some day will go easy, some days will be difficult.
You learned it the hard way, like most of us do 
I had relapses too, but now more than 1 year sober. So don’t lose hope! You can do it!
There is a way I have found to acknowledge that my alcoholism is a major force in my life, drunk or sober. In order to remain content and serene in my abstinence, I have to find a way to tend to the compulsion to escape my own head.
I cannot deny that I’m an alcoholic. These days, I describe myself as recovered. That is not a permanent state, however. It’s a simple thing for me to maintain and grow my sobriety, but it requires daily practices, at least for me. Did you ever help a friend push a dead car? It’s a huge effort to get it moving, to overcome inertia. Once it’s moving, bit much effort is required to keep it going, but some work is needed.
At times, I have pictured my alcoholic self as a crying, frightened little child. I don’t walk away from him, I embrace him. I don’t give him what he wants, I give him what he needs.
Maybe try a meeting try something different this time. wish you well
Welcome back. You had a good learning experience. I’m sure you’ll get through this. One day at a time.
Beautifully written, thank you @anon86726034. I believe this to be true, I know it to be true in the depths on my own heart. God loves you, and you matter. Simply because you are here. You’re worthy of love and you no doubt have so much love within to radiate out and give, but you must give it to yourself first, before you can give it to others. You are worthy of joy and of your sobriety 
