School holidays are hard!


I Feel terrible even thinking about posting this because it makes me seem ungrateful and I’m really not but I find school holidays tough and I need to acknowledge these thoughts today. I’m grateful for everyday with my son, he is my absolutely world and I’m grateful he’s here, according to science he shouldn’t have survived birth but he did and he is amazing… he is also severely autistic and sometimes it takes incredible resolve to stay calm with him. He has to be with me constantly, if I’m sitting he’s on my lap, if I lay down he lays on top of me, if I try to have a lie in he sits on my dressing table and “waits” for me, if I bath he sits on the bath mat untilI I finish, if I shop he comes too, the list is endless. I am grateful he can talk, for six years I dreamed if the day he would speak, now he doesn’t stop :joy: but it’s not talking as we know it, not a conversation, it’s a list of questions, always the same and each one must have exactly the same answer repeated exactly as it was the last time. This continues all day until he sleeps at night, on repeat, non stop. Everything must be done at the same time, getting up, breakfast, lunch, dinner, bath time, everything and it must always be the same. Same dish, plate, cup spoon etc. I usually cope well with it but after a difficult weekend where we met my husbands biological dad for the first time my brain is fried. Keeping up the routines on a weekend away is trying at the best of times but add the emotion of this particular trip and the fact my husband does not cope with our son well (part of the reason we don’t live together) and my head wants to explode this morning. I could really do with a school day just so I can readjust my mind.
I know other people have it way worse with disabled kids and I know some people would give anything to have a child so I feel bad for saying these things but today I just had to say, “autism is hard!” I found myself looking at other families with their “normal” kids and at my other neurotypical son this weekend and just wishing for a moment both my kids could be like him. It’s harder on my son than it is for me and that thought helps me to deal with it all calmly but man it’s not easy sometimes.
Anyway feel better now just getting that out :blush: and none of it is a reason to drink! Drinking will kill me and take me away from him early, I don’t drink for him but mainly I don’t drink for me because I can’t live with the thought of leaving him alone any earlier than I have too. He will never be independent, can’t do basic maths or recognise money and needs constant reminders and help to do basic things like get dressed or go to the toilet. His future scares me more than anything else and stupidly is one of the things I drank to hide from for so long


So cute :heart_eyes: Thank you for sharing @Shell :heart:


What a lovely looking lad. Huge hugs to you Shell. It’s hard enough with kids full stop, but when something like that is put in the mix, it can be really trying. My eldest is Asperger’s. it took a while to get used to all the various ins and outs of how her mind works.


What a gorgeous picture of u both . U really do have your hands full … my daughter is a self harmer and has bi polar… we have just had a terrible weekend of self harming and she is constantly with me … at the age of 15 she still likes to sleep with me if shes having a bad time … im so greatful her dad helps me so much with her … even though we split when she was a baby we co parent on everything… this is the first time shes self harmed since ive been in recovery… and im dealing with it so well im not drinking or using … i got a emergency appointment with her counselling… got help with her doctor… the old me would of used ot as a excuse to drink or usr … the new me is stong and calm… gonna her my daughter get through this and talk everything through get all the support she needs … writing this i feel so sad but also proud… Thank you for sharing your story… its made me realise things within myself . Things im working on… god bless u and your son x


Sorry to hear you and your daughter have a hard time too and glad to hear you are dealing with it better sober. I find I am much calmer with Ethan now and most days I seem to find endless patience to cope with his ways, it was just the fact we had had a difficult weekend away coupled with no breaks due to school holidays that really got to me. I don’t have anyone who can care for him as he gets so distressed if I try to leave him and it would take me a year to teach anyone else all of his routines so they didn’t accidentally upset him and cause a major meltdown! He also has medical issues that I’d worry about if he was with anyone else. His school is a specialist one and they are absolutely brilliant so I am confident he is ok there but having anyone else care for him is practically impossible.
I think part of the thing that gets on top of me at times like this is the guilt that for my years drinking I didn’t do my absolute best for him, I was perhaps not sometimes as calm as I could have been with it all and these times remind me of that :confused: but as you said it’s easier sober and all a very good reason not to drink. I hope you’re daughter is feeling better soon, it’s sounds like you are doing great being there for her and helping her get past this episode x


Blesz ya thank you so much… yes we’re getting there slowly… one day at a time … i know what u mean about the guilt as its really eating me up at times … we got to remember we are poorly but were trying our best 4 roday … it must be so hard r u not having anyone to help u … is your husband willing to learn ? X


He knows our son very well and knows how to deal with him the problem is he isn’t able to maintain doing it for very long, he gets very quickly frustrated and lets it show which scares our son, he will not go to his dads flat without me or spend much time with him (if any) without me. It’s one of the reasons (among many others) my husband no longer lives with us, we are still in a relationship of sorts and spend a lot of family time together but him coping on his own with our son is a no go area :confused: x


Thats such a shame … my heart breaks for u . At least he has a wonderful mummy in u . Your a special lady with a special son . Your bond is unbreakable. God bless u both x


Thank you so much, your comment means a lot x