Screwed up starting over

I did 84 days, no drink, I didn’t even think about it.

Then Montana opened up, it took 9 days for me to drink after.

You mind is working, it doesn’t want to drink, it wants to find peace. Remember that.

The longest I’ve been sober is 24 hours. I just keep rolling the starting time forward, and I try to keep the same attitude I did in the beginning. Don’t drink until my head hits the pillow. Do something each day to make sure that happens.

Don’t worry about a thing, because every little thing is gonna be alright. I promise.

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I think that everybody can find his / her way that works. I hate my work and I know that it will push me to a limit I don’t want to endure longer. And I have to find a solution. Only thinking about this scares me. I will have to start all over again, once again. I am 38 now. I have already several degrees. But what would make me happy, at least I think for today, there I cannot work without another degree. But alcohol would only make this worse. And this is somehow Ingraved in my brain. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time but luckily we can’t.
So, at the moment I am in therapy and I learn new things. Not too many that are completely new to me but repetition is a good thing. Puzzle pieces seem to fall in places. So I can learn more about me and why I learned to walk the coping route ‘alcohol’.

And I think it is quite difficult to convince you that something will work. You know that nothing would work for YOU. But why are you here then? I am convinced that there is something out there for you. You are no victim. You are here. This proofs that you want to find something and you seem to know that nothing will work for you. I think you are not so special that you cannot do this. You are you and you will find your way that works for you :slight_smile:

Thanks. I feel I can relate. I’m will respond later this evening. For now I must rest and then off to my other clients. But I wanted to let you know this stuck out to me. Be well. Talk later.

That is good that you are learning to cope with therapy. I think that’s wonderful. And I would never discourage someone away from what works. AA, NA, church, therapy whatever.

It’s just as I said, I’ve been in and out of therapy for 32 years. Court ordered the first time. At 6, very awful things happened. A judged ruled that I should see a professional. They were right to do so. It was their duty to see that I get help immediately and they did. It just never worked. To this day, it’s done nothing.

I completely feel you on being 38 and starting over. I’m 38. I can’t really just start over. I wanna punch a person in the face when they say there is always a way with a totally sure as shit attitude. I currently work 54 hours a week. With that I’m still well below the poverty line for my area. I am drowning under student loan debt. There is no money, there is no time. Change is not feasible. There is one option and that’s to keep going. And to keep going, as it turns out, means to wake up everyday and hate the day that’s facing me.

My professional disappointments are not the reason I began to drink but it’s wildly clear to me that they are a big part of what’s kept me drinking.

You’re right, I’m here for a reason. I want to successfully stop drinking. I tried to kill my self about 6 years ago. Thats the most recent actual attempt so I guess that’s a good thing. Its the only time I’ve ever been hospitalized for any mental health issues. I remember enjoying the group therapy. I guess maybe this seemed like virtual group therapy. So I thought I’d give it a crack.

But now, I’m realizing it was just the social aspects I liked. Was it ever useful? No. It wasn’t. I was nice. I made friends who were going through similar circumstances. That was very bonding. But did I get healthy because of it? No.

So what do I do? I genuinely don’t know.

Im so sorry you’re feeling the way you are about your work dear. I wish I could help. What is it you do? What do you hate about it? Did you ever enjoy it?