If you’re like me you may have a history of self medicating mental illness. I live with ptsd, bipolar disorder, and panic disorder. I was medicated for two years following two hospitalizations and a handful of attempts on my life.
I never liked long term use of psych meds due to the side effects. I used them to regain my footing and develop coping skills in therapy following an episode of psychosis. I weaned off those same meds back in 2017. I actually did quite well for a few years, but then once more my symptoms started to surface in May of last year.
Subsequent life events have made it increasingly difficult for me to re-stabilize on my own. I am perfectly open about the fact that I use marijuana and wine medicinally. More often than not, it works, but it doesn’t take a genius to understand why this is problematic. I generally use in moderation, but this has been a slippery slope due to a strong family history of abuse, addiction and suicide. Lately, my moderation hasn’t been enough.
I am open to going back to my doctor and getting back on some of my medication, but not the anti psychotics. The trouble is that when I don’t suppress my nervous system these days I experience the flare of bipolar mania, anxiety, and chronic pain that I’ve been self regulating for so long. It feels like I’m white knuckling it again and I just want to jump out of my skin. Fortunately, I do have a very good pain management doctor who doesn’t offer controlled substances, but I do take Gabapentin as needed.
Once again, I have started attending a support group in my community. It’s safe to say I need help to get out again, and I’m grateful to be here. All stories, tips, and tricks welcome!
It’s great you shared. To get that off your chest. I’ve been battling my depression today, I’m 83 days sober and I feel for you. I take meds for it and anxiety. Alcohol was my self medicating way to deal with it, even when on the meds. I know for me, I’m better on the meds. It’s still a battle though. Hang tough, there are a lot of us out there and on here that can relate and are rooting for you even though none of us know you. Keep posting and reading.
Thank you. The meds completely eliminated my alcohol cravings when I was taking them, which I think is key. Certainly, we shouldn’t be drinking on our meds but many of us do it anyway. I appreciate you taking the time to read.
I’m glad ur posting and sharing a bit of what ur going thru. I really relate to ur post. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD at the age of 28 or so (I think it was around that age lol… idk there was alot going on). My mental illness got extremely bad at age 15 and that’s when I began self medicating with drugs. It wasn’t until I recieved my diagnosis and was placed on antipsychotics, that I was able to gain some control over my thinking, emotions, behaviors. Medication helped me to be able to start DBT and actually gain something from rehab. But it has taken awhile to find the “right” antipsychotic for me. Some do have crazy side effects… ur right. But I personally need them. I was able to go off my meds (dr did not advise this… it was from my bad decision making) and manage somewhat with what I’ve been taught in therapy but it was a struggle. Some days it was hard. Without meds, it became exhausting… always, ALWAYS, doing countless work to pull myself out of my emotions and that distorted thinking. I have admitted to myself that I need meds. Antidepressants and anti anxiety meds etc weren’t enough. And if I wanna have a chance at being clean, I have to take them. But I had to work with my Dr to get me on the meds that work the best for me. Bcuz some meds work in one sense but then have side effects that effect mental health in another way. It’s frustrating. I was always told that meds and therapy are the best combination for mental health. Having both increases the effectiveness of having mental health stability. I don’t know if this helps at all or if u can relate but I thot id share my experience with u Being on meds also helps me to stay clean bcuz I’m not experiencing the intense emotion that I used to feel… the emotions that would cause me to want to use. Mental health and addiction go hand in hand I feel
I quit taking mine on my own as well. That was obviously a great idea lol! I was good for 3 months, but back in February I began the downward spiral which accelerated in a 2 week major descent in May. The blessing in disguise is that it is what put me back on the path to sobriety and putting my mental health as my top priority.
I’m so glad u found recovery again and that u made ur mental health a top priority also. I kind of forgot that the reason why I was feeling well was BCUZ of my meds and NOT bcuz I thot I had my mental health under control and I could manage it on my own, even while using. I was using my medication money for drugs, therefore not taking my meds. Bad idea never again lol I read that u are battling ur depression today. How are u feeling now? Has it let up a bit?
Yeah, I’m feeling better. Spent the day with my kids. Part of was knowing I had to take them back home to their mom’s house. The other part is knowing I’m in the wrong job and feeling ashamed at the fact that it is something I can’t keep up with. I’m trying to focus on accepting the fact that no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I can be a good business man, I’m not. I just don’t know what I’d do. But I’m so tired of being miserable professionally/work wise. I’m feeling better that I’m not stressing over work tomorrow like I was yesterday. I can’t do it anymore. I need to find something that doesn’t have such a negative impact on me and my mental health. As much as it hurts , I’m not a normie. I know this, but that is what is great about this place. Everyone here understands.
Absolutely. My mood disorder is not circumstantial although there are certain environmental triggers. My depression often manifests as agitation and irritability because I experience mixed bipolar episodes where symptoms of both mania and depression exist simultaneously. It’s a very difficult aspect to struggle with. I would give anything to shield myself and my family from it.
I totally get the agitation and irritability from depression symptoms. Of course there is also the over emotional side. Had that going on today. Had to go in the bathroom so my kids didn’t see me all teary eyed. I really do not like that side of the depression.
I completely understand. I have a tendency to repress things (subconscious survival tactic) so when I do cry, it becomes very overwhelming and difficult to stop.
Try to remember to empathize with yourself in those moments. I have a tendency to be hard on myself and it doesn’t help. I recently had a very dark low that actually scared me. It wasn’t until I changed my perspective about depression toward restful healing that I finally felt some relief.
Understandable. Im always hard on myself, because the disease is like “see,your mentally weak”. It takes me a few moments to get out of that mindset. I just want to be happy. I don’t need a lot of money or material things, I’m a minimalist, but damn, is that to much to ask for? I don’t care if I dig ditches, if I’m happy I’m good!
This is exactly what has helped me, as well. Thanks for your shares here. I drank to “cope” with anxiety without really realizing that was what I was doing. It was probably more like I drank myself into advanced levels of anxiety compared to what I had dealt with in my life before drinking heavily and then couldn’t see what I was doing. Before long the cycle of anxiety → drink → withdrawal → depression → drink was in full force and that went on for years. I was also a binge drinker mostly, weekends only when I was working a professional job until that progressed to daily “moderate” drinking then to daily binge drinking. Did I mention progressive nature of this disorder?
I’m so grateful to have gotten off that cycle a few years or so ago, though since then have had some short lapses. When I went on meds to deal with anxiety on a short term basis is what really helped me knock that shit off and learn some other ways to cope. I was able to get off daily meds but might be looking into PRN type medication because the anxiety can be a real asshole sometimes when I need to stretch and get out of my comfort zone. Still working on things!
Glad you came here to share and get and give support! Hope you find a treatment program that helps you in your recovery.
Thank you! I could have written this myself. I am a solitary introvert so I’ve been isolating for years, but sometimes reaching out is necessary. You guys help tremendously.
No, that’s not too much to ask for. I used to be a minimalist myself and really enjoyed the peace and solitude it can bring. I definitely need to downsize. Thank you for reminding me.
Hi Tasha. Thank you for your input. I did well for a long time, until I didn’t. I’m definitely considering getting back on some of the prior medication that used to help me be successful. I’m hesitant to try antipsychotics again because they completely change my personality and I’m concerned about the social and professional consequences of that.
Sobriety is so hard, so I think managing my agitation is a good place to start.
Hey buddy! I just wanted to chime in that when I finally was able to get sober in March of 2021, I had to quit my job. My job was way too much stress and it wasn’t going to get better. Best decision I made. Things fall into place when you can remain sober.
Interestingly enough, I am feeling this way again one year later. I did indeed quit my job in favor of an opportunity that allows me to work from home with a significant raise and less stress. That being said, I also am waiting on a call from my psychiatrist.
The meds completely eliminated my alcohol cravings when I was taking them, which I think is key. Certainly, we shouldn’t be drinking on our meds but many of us do it anyway. I appreciate you taking the time to read.
Being on meds also helps me to stay clean bcuz I’m not experiencing the intense emotion that I used to feel… the emotions that would cause me to want to use. Mental health and addiction go hand in hand I feel
never again lol I read that u are battling ur depression today. How are u feeling now? Has it let up a bit?
