Life in recovery for me of late has been like a tightrope one wrong move and I come crashing down,I feel I cornered myself into such alittle space with no room for error which is maddness,I’ve let emotions built by ignoring them I retreated from my na support and all other support which is another sign I’m in the shit,I put such a high expectation on myself and to achieve in all areas of my life which again the expectations are maddness .I CALL THIS SELF SABOTAGE.but I’m fortunate today to realize this as this has been my get up for many many years.yes I picked up but it took me a short 24 hrs to realize the direction I was heading so the 5months clean taught me more than IL ever know .I’m proud today and IL move forward with the knowledge I’ve accuquired along the way .it’s also taught me that staying clean aday at a time is where I’m at and it’s not a numbers game.
Hi @Lilemm, I hear you! I too put massively high expectation on myself. To achieve in all areas, caring wife (clean cook laundry etc), mommy (caring for my toddler 24/7), professional business woman, home owner (nicely cared for home), my appearance (maintain a good appearance) MAN ITS HARD!!! And that glass or three of wine that I used in the evenings to relax and not worry about keeping all these plates spinning… well, I have to admit that last night I caved 
The truth is is to be all these things I need to be sober to keep on top of everything and be my best. But it’s so so so hard. We need to be kinder to ourselves. Much kinder.
I too am a day at a time girl at the moment. Feeling really deflated having to reset that timer AGAIN! But it isn’t the amount of times we fall - it’s the amount of times we get back up. Sending love and hugs your way xxxxxx
You’re both here and both sober that’s all that matters today. Indeed I do think self care is key. Using our DOC isn’t self care. That’s self destruction. I came close last night, and rather disappointed with myself for being there in my head. We got to move ahead. And be good to ourselves. Do things for us that help us get better and happier. it’s hard work at times but it’s a work of love. Hugs.
Your honesty to ysself will get you thru ,like you I’m all the above and like @Mno it’s alot to do with self are and love ,don’t get to hung up on the numbers yes it’s a bummer to press reset but for me I’m letting go of the number and going with what I’m learning on my journey
Mno it’s tough times for alot of us ATM,your right 
self-care and love goes a long way ,thanks for reminding me of this.have a blessed day 
Don’t be disappointed in yourself!! It sounds like you came close but we’re able to play it through and chose the right path. If only I had been able to do that! It takes a lot of self control. I’m proud of you and wish I cud be that strong 
Amber you are that stong it only takes 1tines to not crumble to the urge of picking up then your strengths grown and the addiction loses power over you
Emm, I 
you. What have you learned? I hear the expectations, but what are you going to do about that? And, are you going to cut the gambling completely out? That scared me right off the bat.
Thank you for your honesty, girl. I know it must have been hard to write that post. We are all here!
I totally understand about the expectations. I’ve been putting more and more expectations on myself during the stay at home time. It’s kind of ridiculous, like, what expectations can I possibly have? I can’t go do anything! But I need that illusion of control, and meeting expectations has always been a way to control things. As we know, its also the quickest way to sabotage ourselves. Uggh. Fuck this time in history!
@Ambler, thanks for your honesty as well. Learn your lessons and move forward.
You’re right Em. It’s so hard because we want to have it all sorted, be the one we want to be, get there and then be done with this. I guess that’s why they say one day at a time. The future could be all kinds of things - but the day that matters is today.
Give yourself a pat on the back for recognizing that at least. You’re a good person Em. You’re doing the right thing. 
I’m am naturally geared to all or nothing, and a perfectionist. I like precision, I like to be in control, and 10 steps ahead of everything and everyone. 
What a joke, I tell myself these things and create these false narratives. I’m good at best, and I’m a lowlife piece of **** when I don’t live up to my false expectations. I’ve found this other, more relaxed side of me on recovery, butI can’t always access it. Pressures of home life, work, everything else really skew my perception. Life comes in waves, and you can’t have the crest of the wave without the trough.
Hey there your words are true but I’m trying to ease the peaks and troughs as haveing them go from one extreme to the other is no good for me at all ,it eventually wears me out in the end
Hey sweet,WHAT AM I GONA DO BEXT ?WHAT HAVE I LEARNT? 2very good questions what am I going to do I’m Gona firstly stop putting such large expectations that everything should be a certain way (maybe meditation around expectations and or a book on audible) Im too lazy too read 
I also need to get back to my na meeting. what have I learnt? I’ve learnt that old habits die hard as in my self sabotage this has been my get up for as long as I can remember but I’m proud that this time I saw what was happening what I was doing ,I’ve learnt that life and others can’t live off my narrative that I can only control me (I’m definitely a control freak )I’ve learnt that I have to find a new way or ANYWAY to reach out when I’m struggling as I shut down from everyone and everything.the GAMBALING has been an issue since I gave up drugs also that an issue I need to deal with its just me avoiding myself when alone ,see can you see where these expectations things come in as all this issues build up to one big fat issue that I have no control.i need to except that over addiction I have no control and only then can I truly start living ,WOW 
that all just came outta me like water and makes total sense to me.big love and respect girl.
Have you ever played Mahjong? I played it on my phone whenever shit got hard. Or I just needed to kill time. My fave is Mahjong Solitaire Epic. There are thousands of different layouts and all kinds of options for the way it looks (backgrounds and tiles). And it keeps track of how you do on them so you can put some self competition into it too. When I first got sober I would listen to podcasts and play at the same time. It helped me get through a lot of anxiety and uncertainty. You can download it through whatever app downloader your phone has.
Admiring your determination to move forward and keep those harmful expectations in check form afar, @Lilemm. I know it would probably take me more wisdom and kindness to myself than I’ve managed to achieve so far to do what you have are doing and get back on the horse, trying to give yourself a better deck of cards this time with what you’ve already learned in your recovery. I’m also playing the expectation game A LOT. it’s fun while you’re winning, but it’s dangerous. We need to be our sharpest. Hats off to you and all the very best! 
