Separation in recovery

Has anyone gone through a separation recently?
I have been with my wife for over 7yrs and we met in recovery. Got married after 2 yrs clean and enjoyed each other for most part of our time together.
I lapsed and had defects arise over this time that impacted her which resulted in trust issues for her.
I have 2 sons which she found hard to adjust too regarding the mother figure role. She was awesome overal but never took responsibilities serious regarding parenting. These concerns were big for me and was always repeated over the years. Last week she left because of multiple factors but none of them due to violence or intentional harm. We both are recovering addicts and parents are also. I feel like a failure as this is the 2nd relationship I’ve lost. It seems my higher power has a plan but I’m not coping right now. I use the 12 steps and have an amazing support network as well as a sponsor. I think I’m shocked as she just left and has cut me completely with no discussion. She has done this before but this time I have to make a decision as I have 2 sons that are being neglected again. I can’t keep having her leave when she wants and then come back when she feels better. She does live with a mental illness (bipolar) which can lead to spontaneous decisions and manic episodes. I have learned to accept this but the behaviours can be neglectful and sometimes borderline emotional abuse. Im confused and hurt, as I am committed to my vows but have i done to much harm and vice versa. I need help with this as I dont want to hurt anyone anymore.

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Sometimes past behavior can predict future behavior. If she keeps behaving that way it may be unlikely to change, unless she really wants to, and even then it could continue. Do you feel like you could keep putting up with the same thing? Maybe better to move on and find someone else?

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I would give the relationship another chance and go to couple counselling with a good therapist. It is hard to say why she left, or keeps leaving, or if this is a break up or just meant as a respite for her - but if the mutual commitment to your marriage is still there, I see no reason why you could not work on your issues. I wish you all the best!

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I’ve been married twice and divorced twice.
My second divorce I was just under 2 years sober. I am still very much sober and happy as can be.

If she is leaving and coming back it’s usually best to just end the relationship honestly. How many more times is she going to do it and hurt you before she finally leaves for good?
I understand sometimes a couple need a break but not multiple breaks.

I would use this time to focus on you and your son’s.

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Mental health issues are very tough. Is she seeking treatment for that? My wife has some very difficult struggles with mental health and often times she just needs a hug, or reassurance. I couldnt tell you how many treatment plans she’s had, but it’s something you’ve got to stay on top of or things can go south fast. I don’t know your back story, but I do know that the sweet person who has mental issues is still the same sweet person…it’s just a matter reeling them back in sometimes and overcoming the mental health obstacles and developing good plans.

I’ve also felt like my wife’s behavior was abusive at times, or unfair, but after 12 years I realized it was the wrong way to see it. She needed my love and strength to carry her. She even tried committing suicide, but we have come a long way from that with hard work and dedication.

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Is your wife on regular medication for her mental health and seeing a therapist? Mental health is so unpredictable, bouts of anxiety can just suddenly appear from nowhere. Sometimes the side effects of pills can be just as damaging, especially she is taking a cocktail of drugs, trying find the right medication is trial and error. If she has gone away, I think it may be best to give her space and when she is back to her usual self, then sit down and talk openly. Believe me trying to guess what each other is thinking/feeling doesn’t get you anywhere. A toxic environment is no place for children and she needs to recognise this if she wants to stay part of the family. No one is perfect, you learn parenting skills as you go along and its great that she adapted being a step mum. I would suggest marriage counselling, together and separately if you both want to work it out. If the results are that you do part company, no one can say you haven’t tried. You do have children to think about and you all need to be happy. Its clear you still love her and I hope it works out for you both :blue_heart:

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@SoberHappyJessi everything is pretty raw right now but this is what I’m trying to achieve. Looking after me and the boys is a priority and thanks for your feedback sharing your experience

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Man you hit some home truths. I can only hope that I can action the things you have actioned for your wife. The neglect I have done has made major impact on her and lack of understanding was the cause. Thanks for your insights brother.

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Yes she has been taking medication for over 10 yrs. No therapist and often episodes caused by anxiety. My experience with her and clinicians haven’t reassured me none. The experiment on her and trial all sorts of drugs. Today I’m pretty bad and finding it difficult more than other days. All so fresh and just wanting to stay in bed. I will give her space and pray for a good outcome for us both as we both deserve to be happy. I wont go down with out trying as you say… at least I tried.
Yes my kids are my saving grace and will help me through this. Appreciate your kind words and encouragement.

Hey there.

I’m sorry you are going through a rough patch with your wife. I am diagnosed bipolar and BPD. Its hard for everyone involved when our moods are unstable. Our partners, our kids and ourselves. Looking after the mental health and safety of the children would be my number one concern. Then I would take care of myself and make sure she is safe and taken care of too. That might not mean you’re under the same roof but knowing shes ok I’m sure will put your mind at ease a little.
I liked everything that @Jdiaz had to say. Fighting for each other is important. Not every relationship is strong enough to withstand mental health concerns and addiction. My marriage wasn’t but it’s nice to hear that it can happen.

Take care of yourself, lots of self care right now.

Sending strength.
:pray::dizzy::pray:

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Thank you @CapriciousCapricorn. I agree @Jdiaz nailed it.
Sorry to hear about your marriage and yes it is nice to know that it can happen. My days are hard… not eating and impaired sleeping. I have been diagnosed with depression and im afraid that it is starting to settle in.
Im functioning at best but my mind is not as strong as my body. I will get through this but I just don’t know when time will heal this… never had body aches before and an eating disorder. My higher power has gifted me with an enormous task?

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Or maybe just a bunch of small ones. It might not be so overwhelming if you can pull it apart a little a deal with a section at a time.

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I’m struggling,
Lost and confussed about the whole situation.
From seeing this person daily to nothing is the hardest thing.
:pensive:

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Great prospective. Hard to see positive right now. Thank you for your wisdom :pray:

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I know the feeling and it doesn’t get easier as this is the 2nd separation I’ve experienced. Can’t help to think that its all me and I’m meant to roam the world without someone to experience it with? With the end of another relationship I am committed to never feeling this again so never having one again is the safest option

:joy: That’s how I feel…
Going to be on my own and just keep to sobriety

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I feel like this 100%, doesnt help that they say that Capricorns are the spinsters of the Zodiac. Through doing my step work though I have come to realise that in all my shitty relationships the common denominator was me. So hopefully as I continue to work on myself everything else will fall into place. I’m sure it will for you guys too. I guess this is one reason they tell us to stay single for the first year of recovery. Hard to deal with the high emotions of love when you’re learning this new way of living.

Stay strong guys.
:pray::heart::pray:

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God didn’t put us on this earth to be alone, Lance. Just throwing that out there. Im patiently waiting while God prepares me for my forever person. For now I will continue to love and nurture ME. I spent too many years neglecting myself… putting everyone’s wants and needs before mine I thought that was me being selfless… It back fired… badly. Thats one mistake I will not make again… In loving myself I have so much more to offer. And with my higher power working in my life… I will have nothing short of amazing. Believe that. I deserve happiness. And so do You! Your not going to roam the world alone… your going to experience this new life and find out what you really want and have to offer. Let’s call it " a walk about" God’s preparing you. I really believe this.

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Hi buddy I can give some identification.
I had a 8 years relationship just like yours
I struggled all this 8 years for her well being, and I took care of her over several relapses, she left several times with poor excuses and then she would come regretting and crying and I would take her in. I too have to kids.
Last July(2020) she texted me saying that she needed some time alone. After 15 days I went to her house and she had relapsed and she was sleeping with the dealer .After that I still had to fetch her at the dealer crack house a couple times cause her daughter would call in fear for her.
I managed to put her in rehab in the 29th of September 2020. She’s still there.
I still lover her but She’s not worthy of my love and dedication.
I even thought that I could have an obsession, sometimes I still do.
But I decided that I’m the most important person, and if I’m not okay, all the ones that love won’t be okay too including my sons.
I have to accept my grief
I have to go through this wall and trust in my higher power. Because in the other side of this wall it just might be the love I need.
Thank you all for sharing .
+24h
#Loveyourself