That’s what my primary doctor wrote about me in his notes to my caseworkers at the Norwegian welfare services last week. I’ve been trying to apply for disability for about ten years now, and have received temporary monetary support since I can’t work.
The system has tried to get me into the work force. They placed me at the secondhand shop where I’m a regular, for some weeks. It went fine for about a week, then I got so drained. It was my dream job. If that didn’t work for me, then nothing would.
Then the psych system. My doctor referred me to a psychologist at least six times. It went fine for two appointments, then I started struggling to get there, especially after I started EMDR. I’ve got PTSD from an 8 year period of CSA. I was 6, and it ended when I was 14. I tried EMDR a few times, but all it did was retraumatize me.
So finally, my doctor decided that I was essentially a lost cause (I’m paraphrasing). Since I couldn’t keep up therapy or treatment, there was no point in trying to keep “fixing” me or putting me out into the world.
The goal has always kinda been to apply for disability. Because I’m not really a functioning adult. I’ve felt a thousand times that I’m not made for this world.
Then we went to this strategy meeting with my doctor and two caseworkers, and my SIL for emotional support, and I broke down a few times. I know I’m not functional, but… it hurt a bit hearing it be said out loud by a medical professional who’s known me for five years. He’s right. I neglect my bills to the point that they’ve turned off my power three goddamn times. My phone bills went unpaid so now I can’t call anyone when I desperately need to, I have to wait for them to see my Facebook messages so they can call me. My mailbox has been filled with letters from creditors since December, so I don’t open it.
I’m not interesting. Not particularly intelligent either. The only interesting things I did that I can really point to and be proud of, are the two times I was commissioned through the national mental health organization by two different universities to do mental health lectures. I was 20 and have literally done nothing interesting in the nine years since.
I occasionally ask my loved ones what my good characteristics are. I literally cried with my mom on the phone on the bus this past Saturday, telling her that my doctor had deemed me to have a “severely impaired functional level”. And I told her that I’m nothing. I can’t do stuff. I’m not smart or interesting or particularly pretty, I’m not funny, and there’s nothing I’m really good at. I’m not saying this for pity or sympathy, it’s just genuinely who I am.
My mom started listing off some positives about me but honestly, the only thing I can recall is that she called me a badass for doing those lectures. Like I said, I’ve done nothing since.
I’ve been so, SO depressed for about a month and a half now. Crying every damn day, feeling lonely, lost, overall feeling like shit, and it’s getting tiring. I kinda wanted a beer on Monday, and for once I had the money and the time to go buy a sixer, but I didn’t.
I break down like four times a day. Fuck, I’m crying right now writing this, listening to the podcast Rslash and playing Disney Dreamlight Valley, which is the only thing I’ve been doing for the past two months.
I’ve got a severely impaired functional level but hey… at least I’m 5 months sober, right?
Added a picture of a sunflower tattoo I’m getting on Tuesday.
