As day 7 lands I was hoping to give myself a little round of applause to notice a week dry. Instead I gathered about 3 hrs sleep, I sat up for most of the night being hit by waves of realisation of the layers of damage that I have done over the years. The compulsive lying, stealing and all of the friendships and relationships that have collapsed. All of this I have been carrying around with me and now that the booze is gone the behaviour that came hand in hand with it is coming apart. Alcohol is a terrific wall to hide behind and now that it is fading the middle of the night is where the booze ghosts are visiting. I have been using prescribed anti-depressants for four years and therapy has helped me literally stay alive on a few occasions, these things do help.
I know that life now is about moving forward and looking up and I have been very encouraged by reading the various conversations that have been going on here. But I am very suddenly aware that I really should go back and attempt to sweep up some of the mess that I made in the past. I was brought up by a compulsive liar and an alcoholic and this pattern of behaviour is very deep in my core. I can blame my parents for providing me with a very flawed set of habits but I canât abdicate responsibility for my actions. Before xmas my father came to visit for the first time in a couple of years and I was shocked at how far the apple hadnât fallen from the treeâŚMy attempts to not become my parents have radically failed.
I went to a new meeting this week and didnât say anything there. I will go again at the weekend and see how that goes. Giving up drink is simple in comparison to untangling the mess that it has caused and the mess that it helped me hide from in my childhood. I spent so much time focusing on feeling like a victim that I ignored the damage I was doing. Can anyone recommend strategies for beginning to clean up past messes safely? (âsafelyâ= maintain some relatively balanced mental health while cleaning the messes up.)
Hi there @siand, thanks for the message. Think I may have layed it on a little thick there with what I wrote. Itâs normal to feel a little embarrassed when you get upset in-front of people I guess.
Hello @JonathanMcGrath! Well done on the 7 days, thatâs a great start.
The twin vultures of regret and shame came to visit me on many an early morning in my late drinking and early sobriety. I found that working the steps of the AA program under the guidance of a sponsor was the way for me to reconcile the warring factions of my personality, to list and admit the harms I had caused to myself and to others. The steps gave me a program to make amends with the people and institutions I had wronged.
The steps allow me on a daily basis the ability to choose serenity and equanimity. Using the steps opens me up to the grace I need to respond appropriately to life.
I hope you find a path soon. Blessings on your house
Hello there @SinceIAwoke , Thank you for your advice I will do more research and learn about the shape of AA and the program and how it works and the ways folk navigate it. I will also do some research on what a sponsor is exactly, I must admit sponsorship is something I have been pretending to understand.
Beaming kind thoughts through the air to you sir. X
Itâs good that youâve got therapy and meds going for you. I have no idea where Iâd be if I didnât get that help for myself. Iâve had to manage some heavy mental health burdens during my recovery so far, so Iâm writing with that in my mind.
I donât know if I have a strategy to recommend for working through this stuff. Your therapist might be able to give some pointers as to how to go about doing this on your own time, not just during the session. I think the key thing is to have awareness of where youâre at with your mental health. Some days I can make leaps and bounds and fill it up with hard work on my issues. Sometimes I have to struggle just to scrape through the day alive. If you know how much mental load is too much, and what that feels like for you, that can be a good guideline.
Itâs more than just where your emotions are at, this can show with external symptoms, especially in scenarios and cultures where visible emotional vulnerability is discouraged (this tends to be especially big for men). Instead of tears there might be outbursts, self sabotage, no sleep, etc. Unfortunately itâs hard to tell if this is from the post-acute withdrawal stage we find ourselves in during early sobriety, if itâs a passing emotion, or if we are really worn down to the bone.
Talking through the thoughts youâre dealing with with another person can lessen the load, if itâs someone you can trust and donât force sharing things youâre not ready for. Sometimes outside perspectives can shed new light on the situation. They may also model compassion for you and your situation if itâs hard to do that for yourself. Even if the other person has nothing to say, the process of externalizing your thoughts can prompt new insight.
AA can be really helpful to talk about this with, youâd be surrounded with people who can really understand in a way non-alcoholics cannot. I would suggest doing it when ready â I forced it early and didnât get the best results. I have also found family members as well as people I met on the psych ward who have been really helpful, as they understand me quite well in their own ways.
I think youâve made a realization that will help you navigate the past messes thoughtfully â you mentioned focusing on feeling like a victim and how it made you blind to other things. It sounds similar to one of the issues I have with my ego. With this realization in your pack, Iâm sure youâll begin noticing things to address without needing to hunt. Unpacking a life full of hurt is probably going to take a fair amount of time. But Iâm convinced itâll really help do the kind of healing that has huge impacts on long-term sobriety, and becoming a better person in general.
Hey man, posts like this really take my breath away. The ability to see your shortcomings, face them and share them with others is a huge step toward recovery. Thatâs a hurdle a lot of people donât necessarily vault right over. Nicely done sir.
AA is pretty terrific at helping with the shame and regret. You donât need to research it or plan it out or anything like that. You just need to go, with an open mind, open heart and most importantly, open ears.
Hi @JonathanMcGrath, as others have said well done on those 7 days! Iâm 16 days sober and have found that my anti depressants are actually starting to work now. I was taking them while I was drinking but I might as well have been popping smarties for the good they were doing as alcohol inhibits their effectiveness.
I read an article today on learning to forgive yourself. It may or may it be helpful but it made a lot of sense to me.
Being honest and kind with myself has been one of the hardest things for me since stopped drinking. Alcohol certainly is a terrific wall to hide behind. Feelings are hard! But nothing to be embarrassed about.
I have been doing meditation regularly and it has helped me to explore my feelings, and being kind and honest with myself. It is language that I have been and still am sometimes quite uncomfortable with but I can also see the value in it.
Thank you so much for your advice and support @ifs I will get on to the AA train today. I have had to take myself off to the hospital a couple of times in the last year for fear of my own safety and these moments have made me a little twitchy as I embark on getting sober. With mental health I never know I am struggling until I have been struggling for a while and the people around me point it out, its not like getting a flu unfortunately. Hugs to you sir!
Hi @MissG1 Thank you for sharing this, I am really grateful. I have allot of work to do around forgiveness. Well done on the 16 days! High fives to you! X
I understand. Thing is, you cant change the damage that has already been done. You can only admit your wrong doings, apologize and pray they accept it. But first, you need to forgive yourself. Good job on 7 days, Iâm on day 3! I had 8 months, cant wait to hit that again and then hit my year msrk!
High fives to you on day 3! I am really going to have to stop looking at the counter so often. 7 days has felt like 7 months because I have been looking at the clock so much. . Regarding forgiveness, that one is going to be tricky; âthis is a marathon and not a sprintâ someone told me on here a few days back. I am rooting for you @AliciaMarie04!
Well, I think your on the right track! Finding that peace is difficult. Not to diminish any progress youâve made, but the most important thing for you right now is really completely detoxing. A lot of the depression and anxiety I was feeling was from the alcohol. Your brain chemistry is really jacked-up. In my experience, I didnât really feel right until 60-90 day marks mentally. There was times in my recovery I felt I really messed up my brain chemistry. It got so much better as time went on! This may be what you need to focus on.
There comes a point where you want all the things in your past to completely disappear. Where looking back on my past actions, if they were done to me by someone else I would have a difficult time forgiving. This also gave me the insight, that the things that happen to me in childhood by an alcoholic father gave me the compassion to forgive, as myself was experiencing that similar fallout. I must admit, I personally found peace and solace in reconnecting with my higher power.
I would imagine that the path you need to take will present itself as you continue on your journey. First, and foremost forgive yourself! Nothing you can do will ever change your past, but you have the power to change the present and the future. Stick with it, and work for that happiness you deserve!
Hello @Shattered_dreams. Thank you for your support and encouragement. You are right, I still have quite a way to go in detoxing. I have been dependant on alcohol for at least 20 years and that doesnât go away over night. I am grateful for your advice. This week has been about realising what lies ahead and ways of really making friends with the past does feel out of reach at the min. This shouldnât always be the case though. Right now âforgivenessâ feels like a new word in this context and there is work to be done. Gradually. X
Well done on 7 days! I definitely agree with others on looking into AA, it has helped me immensely. The important part of the steps is the order they are in. I know the feeling of wanting to go to everyone Iâve ever hurt, used, manipulated, etc and apologize, but Iâm not ready for that yet. And there may be some people, that I will never physically apologize to, simply because it could hurt them/me/both of us more than help. Part of the reason making amends is step 8 and 9, is that, we have to work on ourselves first, and secondly because many people are not ready to hear our amends, or may not believe us yet. Itâs tough, but stay strong and I am always here to tall or listen if you need someone! Again, well done on the 7 days! One day at a time and blessed be
. Regarding forgiveness, that one is going to be tricky; âthis is a marathon and not a sprintâ someone told me on here a few days back. I am rooting for you 
