Thanks for sharing this. I really needed it today. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that I use alcohol to numb a deep sadness and I always did the best I could even when actively drinking. It’s just who I am.
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Feeling regret and shame right now. All my mind tells me instinctively is to go pick up, go use. Escape these feelings. That shit gets me no where, it gets me back to regret and shame. I acted atrociously last night to someone I care about and need to hold myself accountable and responsible for my actions. Going out and getting high to escape my past actions is a cycle I’ve created for a long time now and it has to stop. I have to own what I have done and know it’s not what or who I want to be and see my mistakes and not run away from them like I have for the last 6 years of my life with drugs or alcohol. I’m deeply sorry for my actions but I continue to allow my emotions to get the better of me, maybe not by using but my being for lack of words an ASSHOLE. That then leads me into these feelings of guilt, regret and shame.
Just for today I’m going to embrace my mistakes, my awful behavior and hold myself accountable
Hey fella. I’ve been really looking hard at the way I was brought up and having no real emotional vocabulary. Historically I go from 1-100 straight away, part of getting so we has been to begin to understand my feelings and gently try examining them without essentially being a slave to them and getting myself into a whole heap of shit for behaving like the incredible Hulk. I’m here if you need to talk. X
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Thank you very much. I’m reading a lot about the effects my childhood did on my development as well as later in with my drug usage. It’s still no excuse at a certain point but it’s giving me a chance at a start to develop these skills that I lack. I too go from 0-100 realllll quick and I instantly regret what I say or do and forget that this moment will pass, and to stay focused on a bigger picture. What I want tomorrow, what I want next month and so on, not allowing instant emotions to overwhelm and flood my body and reacting. I again acted horribly to someone I care deeply about and there’s no excuse. It’s hard embracing these feelings but I know what I’m feeling right now is nothing compared to the anguish I have put this person through in the past and even up to last night…
Mate, I totally understand. Now is the opportunity to use this regrettable situation as a turn in the road. To begin to unpack why you find you respond like that and begin to make changes. Now is the perfect time to let that Asshole you talk about go. Try not to kick your own head in about it. It’s not cool but you can’t let this behaviour define you. I hope you have a gentle weekend ahead and can begin to practice setting boundaries with yourself to try and keep you and the people closest to you safe. It’s not something you can magic into being, I am approaching it like going to the gym, if I chip away then slowly I can become stronger and self aware and less of a werewolf. Rooting for you dude! Keep in touch.
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Hey mate, how’s it going today? You ok?
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Pretty great! Had an early morning for work, so I went to bed early and got some quality sleep. Now I’m at the gym and will watch some football for the rest of my evening and finally get back to a regular meeting I used to go to at 930 tonight. I need to set some time aside to get some more reading in on my Toxic Shame book today. I really appreciate you checking in and asking. How’s your day going?
I love this.
Ah glad to hear the seas have settled and you are doing well fella. Spent the morning chasing my 2yr old around a museum which was great and the afternoon assembling IKEA furniture which sucked ass. I’m still quite new to sobriety so am having some pretty vicious energy dumps throughout the day where I will get super hyper and grumpy. I can’t remember the time I’ve not been a bit anesthetised by alcohol.
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Ikr. Drinking was a way for me to feel numb and ignore the issues in my life but all it does is create more issues. That’s awesome you got to chase your 2 y.o. around a museum! I have a 4 y.o. daughter and 5.5 y.o. son!
Hiya, indeed it does. Alcohol has been my hiding place for years and now this little house mate has arrived and is making me chase him I have to come out from my hiding place and get my act together. A 4&5 yrs old? Wowzer! That must be glorious and busy! My son Dylan isn’t talking yet but he is not afraid of letting his opinions be known. 
He’s like a cross between a puppy and a bowling ball.
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Hahhaaa yes my kids are 17 months apart and it’s super hard. I also have a 9 and 16 yr old stepdaughters. I’m exhausted. I have my little kids Sunday thru Friday and then his girls are here Friday thru Monday morning. I got super wasted last night bc I didnt have my little kids, dumb right? My husband isnt even talking to me rn though hes the one who drinks with me. Ugh.
Aye Carumba im not surprised you are tired! I’m sorry things got out of hand and you have emotional cleaning up to do. I have been there and have slept of the couch on a few occasions because I was a big drunken maniac. It’s what happens next that counts!
Get there. I know this post isn’t so new anymore so I hope you are doing well and that this advice is no longer of use to you. But I know there are some newer people struggling right now and hopefully it will help them.
I totally get the idea that we have regrets for our drunken actions and really want to unburden ourselves of them as soon as possible. But, in the AA program, making amends is actually step 9 of 12. And there is a reason for that. There is a LOT that we have to work on before we even get to that stage. I don’t know if we need to do AA per se, get a sponsor, do the steps…but we ALL need to take our time and get our shit in order before we bring everyone else into it.
I do hope you’re feeling better today.
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Hi there @VSue. Yes, I haven’t started on that path yet at all and to be honest the prospect scares the hell out of me. It was the blast of hard reality that hit me a week or so back that really knocked me over. I am being as gentle as I can with my jalopy of a mind and am more chipping away at staying dry than charging into it. Thanks a million for your advice by the way. It really helps to have some perspective. I hope that you are well.
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I know that feeling. But remember, we are new in sobriety, and are really feeling all of our emotions and learning to deal and understand them. It will take time. I’m almost at a year and I still don’t always know how to deal with my emotions. But I do know it’s not worth drinking/using over. I hope things are going a little better, and I’m always here if you need to talk!
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Thank you very much. I know it takes awhile, I thought I had things figured out 6 months in. I ended up relapsing on Alcohol not my DOC and just in that one night of relapsing catching a DUI and spending time in Jail again… almost 4 months now. Trying a different approach, not getting complacent, working on me bc I’ve learned drugs are a problem but the real issue is WHY do I choice to use, and that answer is complicated but it all involves my brain and the way it thinks in all types of situations and until I work on that and learn how to manage things before they escalate.
Hey @JonathanMcGrath, I’m on Day 172 (after 3 relapses in 2 yrs)and I’m sure you’ve heard this before…" Time heals all wounds." Well, that’s not necessarily true. You’ll never really totally undo the shame and regret of yesterday’s boozin. It’s something I think we all need to keep tabs on. Believe me, there are some people I have to duck and cover from when I see them in certain social events because I was “not myself” at that point in my life. Makes me feel like I’m in high school again! Too many of us (including myself) care what people think about us, and either play the avoidance game or pretend to be someone that we aren’t. Personally, my sobriety is a private adventure that I share with as few people as possible. I’m not sure what kind of messes you are trying to clean up, but if they are that important to you, break out your mop and get to work! You sound like you are taking the right steps for you, and that’s saying somethin. Good luck!
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Hello there @AngelaAngel, high fives to you on 172 days. That’s super impressive having not crept above 10 days since the 1990’s. I am grateful for your advice and support. I have come to accept that the past messes that I have inflicted and have been inflicted upon me can’t be made too disappear all together and that rather than magic them away (or drink them away, which I have spent years doing) I should try and re calibrate my relationship with them and try and mine some positivity or lessons. My skin isn’t thick enough yet to start contacting souls from my past and I am in no rush now to do so. I hope that you have a lovely Sunday and the week ahead is looking grand for you and your clan! Hugs and high fives to you. X
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