Hello everyone. Just joined this app a few months ago looking for a neat way of tracking my sobriety from pornography, and decided that i should tell you my story. It is my hope and prayer that you feel encouraged by it and can “borrow” my hope.
Let me start by telling you who I am. I was born into a reformed Christian home. Loving parents and 9 siblings. A church community that was there to be upbuilding to each other and there for each other. When I was 10, I found a pornographic magazine… Playboy to be specific. It was full of naked ladies. Not highly explicit, but still pornographic in nature. I was very aroused by it, but only 10 and afraid to ask any questions. It was hidden, but I somehow found it. I found myself drawn to it repeatedly. Years went on to a point of being around 14/15, and I was now at a point where I can’t remember a day without seeking it out. I knew it was a problem, but I kept it a secret for so long, that I felt I couldn’t talk to anybody about it. So scared to talk about it because I was supposed to be this good Christian boy from a good Christian home. Truth is, I can’t honestly say that it was a “good Christian” home. My parents never talked to me about sex, and I ‘learned’ about sex at school and from friends. This isn’t meant to blame my parents, it just means that I never asked.
So I continued on my struggle, completely unable to break from my drug if choice. I wanted stop, but I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. I could easily find the hiding spots because I was looking for them. I was brave enough to buy my own before I was 18. Then came the internet. I was now at the spot where I didn’t have to look for it, it was finding me… finding me by the second!! I thought, if I find a girlfriend and get married, things will be ok. I did thankfully get married at age 24, but things did not get better. In fact things got worse!! I was seeking out pornography and masturbating still daily. I hid it from my wife for 7 years!! She had no clue. But things were not good between us. Our sex life was stationed at best. My fault. All my fault. Our sex life was supposed to be the biggest bond of our marriage. It was supposed to be the bond of us giving ourselves to each other! I was making it to be not only her giving herself to me, but me taking her for myself and not giving myself to her. I wanted my own porn star. And after every act of marriage we had, I was left with this angst of guilt and shame. Our bond was being pulled apart because I was selfish. 4 years ago, friends of mine told me about a 12 step program called Life Renewal, that our church was starting and suggested to me that I should take part because “you would be good at it” they said. They were sooooo wrong. I needed it! I attended it telling them that I was going because I wanted to help people. (You know why I went) But I couldn’t tell them that. The program helped me definitely! I can stand here at age 34, and tell you that I am clean from my addiction. God met me in this program and carried me. It wasn’t my work in the program, it was the Holy Spirit’s work. I learned through many many nights of prayer and leaning on friends who knew me and my struggle, that it WAS possible. Learning the tools like journaling and searching myself were very helpful. Just trying harder was never working and it never would have. Do I no longer struggle? No. By no means. I still struggle and find myself severely tempted, but I have learned to call my sponsor and accountability partners, and recognize when I will be tempted and do the necessary things to avoid relapse. I have confessed all this to my wife 4 years ago. Guess what?? I didn’t die!! Was it easy to do? NO WAY!! But I’m very thankful that God gave me the strength and courage to do so. My marriage is stronger than I could ever have imagined. Was it easy for her to understand my struggle? No, but she was able to seek the help she needed in dealing with it as well. We have take about it many times. I don’t really like those conversations, but I’m thankful for them. I have nothing to hide from her now.
I learned to give all my hurts and pains over to God. I gave Him all my mistakes. All my failures. All my sins. What He gave me in return was a renewed life. A life of freedom!! This message is meant for ALL of you out there who think it’s not possible!! Give yourself over to your maker. He is real! It’s not easy to believe in him. I totally get it. I’m a Christian, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with unbelief. If believing and trusting in God was easy, then every one would do it. It’s called faith. It’s believing in the “impossible”. Can I challenge you to seek out a Christ centered program? You are worth it!
And yes, pornography/masturbation ARE addictions. Don’t let any body tell you otherwise
Thank you for sharing your story. I have been sober from drugs and alcohol for over three years now, but really delved into a sex addiction during sobriety. I have been free from sex for over 8 months now. There’s a huge difference in my life.
Thanks 2beAFreeman. May God be with you in your journey! Sex addiction is such a strong one and is very underestimated
Let me set one thing straight too. I am not a sex addict. That’s what I WAS. I am me! I will not be labeled by my sin. I just think everyone should know that. Don’t let programs or other people label you by your sin. God is setting you free or has set you free. Don’t you think that’s hurtful to Him to still hang onto that part if your life?
You know it’s funny I was watching a sermon today on sex. Anywho my pastor was talking about how the world looks at sex as a god.Some view it as disgusting.However sex is meant to be a gift from god for marriage.
the point of it was saying how in some church’s, like one he grew up in, they talked about it like it was horrible and only for procreation. Which is not true.Its meant to be passionate and to help bring you closer to your partner.Kisses are meant to be “sweeter than wine”, and that your partner is supposed to be your version of beauty I believe.
He was talking about how porn or having sex before marriage can ruin that. I mean I’m just summing this up, there’s far more to it.
My addiction is alcohol and the bible talks about that as well. Before I met my husband I was has several partners so I can understand where you are coming from.The world makes it seem like we should be a certain way, but it actually just causes us pain
Porn or alcohol are both bad for you and can lead many down a dark path, I’m glad you are choosing God, and his path for you.
Wow this really hit home. I’ve been an addict since I was 9 years old, and just starting to deal with it now almost 20 years later. I was 11 days clean but gave in the other day and went on a 3 day “bender” and finally starting to get clean again.
Wow and THAT’S how god works! He never came to early or too late but right on time:hugs:
it’s awesome man want god is doing in your life and I pray that this story will reach many searching addicts. So they can see the glory of god!
Thanks for the reply Stephan. Thanks for the encouragement. Thank you so so much for the hug, and for your prayers. May God be with you, and help you with all your struggles as well.
Kyle, thanks for being porn with us. Know that you’re not alone in your struggle. I’m praying for you.
Thanks Kolbe. I appreciate your prayers, and I have come to learn that I am not alone. I have been involved with our 12 step program as a facilitator for a number of years now, and have seen the encouragement my story has given to others first hand. I truly feel blessed by my wife, my friends and those around me. Colossians 1:24 says “Now I rejoice in my affliction for your sake” … This means so much to me now! My story-- my affliction, God has actually used for good! That is much encouragement to me! Thanks again Kolbe (love your name by the way 
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Hello. I have stared to have people respond to me again lately and realized that I never responded to your message. Thank you so much for the encouraging words and for your prayers. How are you doing with your struggle with alcohol?
Hi Courtney. I have had people send me messages again recently because of my post, and I realized that I never responded to you. Thank you for reading it, and I hope you found encouragement by it. How have you been doing this last year?
No problem hope you are doing well. Im doing good 161 days