Having break time in my class. It is so grounding coming here. Sometimes I wonder where I have lost myself and realizing have never found myself. Trauma survivors don’t have a sense of self - they have a collection of defenses. I am thinking what is my positive expectancy? Well, ‘all of you’ truly believing in me when I don’t believe in myself. I guess the nail on the head is - have I had enough pain yet? Yes. Yes I have. Yes this is hard to walk through but I can make something of myself to do what I truly want to do.
I will be doing all of what I don’t want to do - I am going to do. I know healing is available. I know it may 5, 10, 15 years but healing is never a cut and dry process. We will crash, we will soar and we will wake up and not respond as we have had in the past. Little tiny footsteps of change.
Today eventhough the pain weighs heavily on me. I will not relinquish my humanity.
I can see the flicker of light.
I will walk towards it.