Having break time in my class. It is so grounding coming here. Sometimes I wonder where I have lost myself and realizing have never found myself. Trauma survivors don’t have a sense of self - they have a collection of defenses. I am thinking what is my positive expectancy? Well, ‘all of you’ truly believing in me when I don’t believe in myself. I guess the nail on the head is - have I had enough pain yet? Yes. Yes I have. Yes this is hard to walk through but I can make something of myself to do what I truly want to do.
I will be doing all of what I don’t want to do - I am going to do. I know healing is available. I know it may 5, 10, 15 years but healing is never a cut and dry process. We will crash, we will soar and we will wake up and not respond as we have had in the past. Little tiny footsteps of change.
Today eventhough the pain weighs heavily on me. I will not relinquish my humanity.
I have very little experience with some of the issues you deal with on a daily basis but from reading your post I believe with your self awareness, strength and obvious intelligence you will face these adversaries head on and you will come out on top… I’m happy that you stuck around and your bunnies and doggo are too damn cute.
I definitely have some issues though I’m still working on identifying what they are, I hadn’t heard of the ace test/score into now, I will look in to it thank you.
I took it, it asked me ten questions and answering them truly they were all no so I got a score of zero. I think my issues are more self esteem based tbh. It just gives me more respect for what you are dealing with though.
I can’t say that my childhood was perfect, not by any means but I couldn’t answer yes to any of those questions. My parents brought me up well ( I’m not trying to suggest that yours didn’t) and to have answered yes to any of the questions would have been a lie and unfair.
They inadvertently enabled my drug use to a degree but they were just trying to help and were unaware that they were doing so.
I didn’t really fit in well at the school that I went to which exasperated my self esteem issues. The majority of us here have some form of issues we are dealing with and I have massive respect for every member as it’s been hard enough for me to get to where I am, I take don’t know how or if I would cope with any of the things other people have to deal with.
@LovelyLya I’m curious, have you ever read The Body Keeps the Score? I learned so much about the science of trauma from it, and it’s been really helpful!
