The title says it all, I continue to slip and feel as if I can’t do this, I feel like a failure, but at the same time. I did significantly less oxycodone today then on a regular day (around 60mg a day average, I had 25mg over the course of 5 hours, 5mg at a time) I don’t know how I became this person but I don’t like it. The back pain, restless legs and feeling like I want to jump out of my arms(and lack of motivation for ANYTHING) are the WORST withdrawals I get, and they are enough to kick my ass back to my dealer and get my fix. I can’t afford rehab, nor do I want to go to rehab, so what are my (free) options? NA is to embarrassing for me to go to (for what reason I don’t, I guess I hold myself to a stupid standard that is not true, this can happen to anyone…) so what the hell is my problem… I need to get more kratom because it completely eliminated the withdrawals for me but I can’t afford that either (I could afford it but I would need to ship it to myself and I use every penny I earn during the day to get my fix for right now) I feel like a waste of life and thays a dark place for me to be in…
If you don’t want to enter a treatment facility and you don’t want to start a 12 step program (N.A.) then I’m not sure what to tell you. I can’t tell you that you can’t get clean on your own, because it has happened, but I can tell you that it is extremely unlikely. Your best chance to succeed is finding other addicts who got clean and do what they did to get clean. Walking in to your first meeting is hard, and it’s humbling, but you only have to go to your first meeting one time. Remember that nobody you see there walked in to their first meeting on a winning streak. This is your LIFE we’re talking about!
I can’t afford it and my parents don’t know about my problem. And I don’t know if I’m going to tell them but even if I could, idk I just need to stop bitchin and just hurt for a few days I think… I’ve done it before for over 30 days and I was fine after like day 4 or 5…but it seems worse this time, or it’s easier to just get them (they are everywhere where I live)… It is my life indeed, something to think about…
If you had a child who was struggling the way you are, would you want them to tell you? I don’t know what your relationship is with your parents, but if things are as bad as they sound then they already know that something isn’t right, they just don’t know exactly what. Never underestimate a parent’s ability to know when something is wrong with their child. My advice would be to reconsider being honest with your family. You are going to need their support. Consider if they had to find out because you got arrested or ended up in the hospital. As to affordability, there are no dues or fees to attend N.A. meetings, totally free.
They think that I am buying copious amounts of pot (with thay I spend on pills that would be a few ounces a week of pot, I don’t smoke that much, once a day) so they definately know something is up, if I had a kid of course I would want to know, but at the same time I would know how I would react, I don’t know how they will react, I told them about pills one time about a year ago but I told them I stopped, and I did for a while, but my dumbass went back and started all over, and here I am struggling to quit again, Na meetings might be free, but my self esteem prevents me from wanting to go to them(as incredibly stupid as that sounds) I know I’m stupid for not going, but I don’t want my name on any record book for that, same reason why I won’t go to a clinic to help get myself off thru suboxone or methadone (I know very little about both except that it is just as addicting if not more…
I’m going through a similar situation. I got off vikes seven days ago, but still on kratom. I’m so depressed today. My situation looks so hopeless. I still have to go through kratom withdrawal and that is the worst for me. I tell myself I will wean off but I never do. I totally understand what you’re going through. You may be going through kratom withdrawal. How many days have you been without?
I don’t use Krstom enough to withdraw from it, I am still trying to kick the oxycodone, so it’s the oxy I withdraw from daily, and I’m sick of it… I can’t afford Krstom because the oxy is right there, kratom. Has to be shipped (yea yea excuses excuses I know)
I’ve been there. I know exactly what your feeling right now. Trying to ween off could work but everyday you’ll keep wanting it more. You’ll have to have extremely high amounts of self control to get yourself down to the smallest dose even still you’ll feel the withdraw. My thought is to go cold turkey, feel the pain, recognize the misery, Hate yourself (only briefly) so you know you never want to go through that hell EVER AGAIN!!! I’m 4 years clean from that crap and I couldn’t be happier!! It is hard but meetings and support from loved ones will make a huge difference!! Jails, institutions or death is your only options if you stay on that path.
I wish you the best and hope you can overcome it.
Suboxone & Subutex helps. But it does cost a bit… but they are a blocker it will stop you from being able to use.
I think I am going to go to the doctor tomorrow for that (suboxone), but I am ashamed and feel embarrassed to do so so honestly I might not. I did this to myself and the docs will know this, I feel like a loser, I am living the loser lifestyle with this addiction hanging over me… So I don’t know. I’m just torn.
I think you need to hear a truth that may be difficult to hear. It sounds like you want to get clean without having to DO anything or tell anyone anything up to and including a Doctor. This course of action has a success rate of 0%. There is help for people like us but you have to reach out and accept it.
@KeepGoing like @Sober_in_St.Louis said it will not work if you don’t reach out. We all feel ashamed at first and don’t want the help and to keep everything a secret. Guess what, if its as bad as you are saying, it won’t be a secret if you end up in a hospital bed or worse. If you really want this you know the actions you need to take. I hope you make it to the doctors tomorrow.
There is no room for embarrassment, as long as you want, and are wiliing to accept the help. I can only speak for AA, but after admitting myself to the ER and reaching out, it has been nothing but love and support. What is there to be embarrassed of, in a room full of people who have most likely done what you have, or worse than you? Take the step, you will be happy once you do.
NA stands for Narcotics Anonymous. Give a fake name, unless you meet someone there that you know, no one will know who you are.
People understand don’t feel ashamed of yourself. You’re only human and life will go on if you like it or not. Just have to face your demons and become the strongest version of yourself! Don’t let this hold you back from living a great life!!! Get help I promise you won’t regret it!
I agree with you, you have to have a support team to help you along the way and have other people who know what you are going through. You have to want to be clean, even though it is hard, u have to want it more than anything in the world.
My mother is extremely religious and my father has been ridiculously hard on me my whole life. I was at the end of my rope before I told them. I was expecting ridicule and a giant lecture. Ive never even had a speeding ticket in my life…0 trouble. My mother cried which was expected…but my fathers reaction was unexpected. He said he knew…and was so happy I reached our for help. I promise they know its more than weed…and it sounds to me like you live with them. They could be the ones that save you. Be humble and honest. Give them control of your finance and talk openly with them about wanting to use. I was very prideful myself and that has caused me so many relapses. And please research suboxone very very well. Because when its time to come off of a long run of it…the withdrawals will last soooooo much longer than the pills if not done perfectly. Good luck and God bless
If you get on suboxone, you’ll just have to get off that and . I heard it’s horrible getting off. Stay strong and go through the opiate withdrawal. I know it’s awful (I’m on day 2) but you can do it!