At my lowest points I turn on the shower, lay at the bottom and cry until I’m ready to stand again. No matter how long I stay there, I always stand again.
I met with my doctor who has had a major impact on my mindset and confidence. She referred me to the surgeon who will perform my eye correction surgery. The scenario I’ve been looking for since 2020.
She asked:
“Are you still depressed?” I was able to say confidently that my depression feels situational, a reflection of the life I’ve not been able to live due to illness.
“Did you stop smoking?” I told her honestly that I hadn’t. The anxiety of trying to exist. At times, performing the smallest tasks sends me into a panic.
“When is your surgery?” Planning for May after I graduate.
“Do you want to take the antidepressants?” Yes.
“You need to stop smoking, not tomorrow, today. Smoking can impact the healing process of the surgery. And you, you won’t be able to forgive yourself if smoking causes complications.
In the future never say, I can just have one cigarette, I can just have one drink, I can just take one line of coke. You’re at risk of becoming addicted again. Take the medicine. You’re 10 months sober.”
And then she gave me applause.
Words haven’t rung so true to me in so long. Like a ember igniting my ambitions. She really spoke to my heart.
I got home, smoked my last cigarette and smiled at the idea of trying in a whole new way.
9 months 21 days