So here's my story... I lost the one thing that made me happy

[Bigzz]

I use to go out with this wonderful girl, she has fairly dark past and was previously engaged to some abusive asshole. She broke up with me at the end of last year because I was wanting to spend time with her and she ended up feeling I was too needy also she said she didn’t know what she wanted in life right now. After she broke up with me we both went through a dark spot of a lot of drinking, eventually we decided it would be nice to see each other again. We became very close friends again and it was regular for us to sleep together once, sometimes more a week. However that’s all she wanted, to be friends with benefits. I tried to talk her into starting a relationship again and it felt like we were getting closer and closer to that becoming a reality (By this point I was thinking for awhile that I needed to give her an ultimatum, that I cannot “Just be friends” with her). Last weekend I met her cousin for the first time, he just recently lost his wife by her getting hit by a car. I spent the whole weekend with Her and we seemed to be having a fantastic time, then we went to the beach with her cousin, we were all drinking and having a blast, eventually we went back to her house. I continued drinking while they did other stuff and then it got late, she went up to her room and I followed, when getting there she told me she didn’t want me to sleep with her tonight, this shattered my heart, it wasn’t that I needed to sleep with her it just felt like to me this was her way of saying we’re not going to be together. I went downstairs again and her cousin was walking out of the bathroom, I already had tears in my eyes and Jack Daniels in my hand, I held it up high and chugged a good portion of the bottle then confessed my love for her to her cousin for a fair amount of time. I woke up the next morning realizing that I made a fool out of myself, I drove home. Later in the day I sent her a message saying I was so incredibly sorry. She sent me back a message that I was out of line and we couldn’t be friends anymore, that I should of never complained about my problems to someone who has just lost their wife… She told me I drank too much and I need to be careful. As I said, I only drink on the weekends now, it use to be a lot worse but I will admit it sometimes turns from one to two to floor.

So here I am now. I am a fuck up. I don’t believe I have a serious drinking problem but I did give all my booze away to a friend yesterday in the attempt to stop. I’d like to think that I’m a good person but why did I do everything that I did? Why did I lose the person I care so incredibly much about…

[DarthTjader]

@Bigzz thank you for sharing. It feels good to resinate with someone else’s story. I too lost the greatestimate woman I’ve ever known, my ex wife and rhe mother of my son. I too was drinking too much and wasn’t present for our marriage, on top of thinking anti depressents were helping and smoking too much pit I ended up thinking I wasn’t good enough for either of them and attempted suicide 3 times only to fail and end up living out of a car in San francisco.

Addiction and alcoholism have such a grasp on us and it only fuels negative thoughts. Losing that special someone is one of the hardest things we can go through. We think about them, how things were and could be but more how they ended up and it tears us apart. I’m sorry you guys ended up where you are but it sounds like you’re working your recovery and in due time everything will work out. Feel free to message me any time if you need someone to vent to about relationship issues. Stay strong!

[KevinesKay]

Welcome @Bigzz. Thanks for sharing. Good to have you among us. I see what happened to you as a blessing in disguise. What you considered as the best person in the world that made you happy, I see as someone that was not available to give what you were looking for.

So my recommendation is for you to avoid contact with her. If you want to stop drinking, that my also be a good idea. You deserve a new start. There is a better life out there. I know it must be hard to see that, but it’s true. Keep posting. You can do this. We’re behind you in this.

[Bigzz]

Thanks for the kind words, it really means a lot to me. It’s amazing how people from all over the world whom I’ve never met can bring me so close to tears. tears by just giving a little recognition to pain and heart break that feels so severe to me and being able to relate or give a helping hand. I don’t wish anybody to feel this way, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone.

[JustL]

@Bigzz sorry to hear you’re going through hard times, I would rather have any physical pain over a heartache…it’s unbearable :painkillers don’t work and alcohol makes heartache worse! You’re right to completely abstain from alcohol, sounds like you binge which is just as bad. Sounds like you two have built a great foundation for friendship although both of you confused about what actions to take next. I run a risk of sounding like grandma, but give yourself times to put yourself on straight and narrow, keep distance although maintain contact and concentrate on clearing your head.

[BiancaFhaye]

Hi, @Bigzz! It’s so heartbreaking to read your story! Although no one is able to step inside your brain and make you feel instantly better, I wanted to share my past experience with you in hopes that it might make you feel a tiny, tiny bit better eventually…

The previous long-term relationship I had ended in a very dramatic way. Everything was bliss for a long time and then during the last year, things started to slowly become worse and worse. I started to notice many things I found unacceptable in his behaviour towards me and he probably had some things he realised didn’t like about me. I started to nag about what I want him to do differently, but he never took it seriously and didn’t intend to change, so anger piled up inside of me. I didn’t leave, because I convinced myself of many things I still loved about him, so I stuck around for months. We started to fight more often until I closed up completely and started to bury my feelings. I was very unhappy, so I started to drink more to numb myself. Eventually those feelings started to come out during many drunken-rage sessions aimed towards him. Every time I felt so awful, because I felt that my emotional (and eventually - physical) violence towards him trumped any emotional damage he had done to me. I tried to make up to him, I felt like I owe him my life for making him experience what he did. This cycle continued until one time I got so drunk, I kissed someone else and he saw it. Once again I felt like I owe him my life, I felt like I didn’t deserve to live, that I was such a horrible person. He said he forgave me, but not long after, he started seeing someone else, while still trying to convince me that we’re fine. And then one day, he just sent me a text saying he didn’t love me anymore and didn’t respond to calls, texts - nothing. He did this stunt to hurt me even more as he knew the story I told him about this guy that ended things with me the exact same way and how much it hurt me in the past.
After that, there was nothing I could do. I just drowned my sorrow in alcohol for months and months, until I found my current boyfriend and was finally able to move on.

The moral of this long ass story is that even though we both were unhappy for a very long time and had different needs as well as different life perspectives, we continued to hold onto this toxic relationship that damaged the both of us pretty bad. And after it finally came to an end - spent months trying to mend our wounds. The truth is, I still feel bad about how I treated him, but at the same time I don’t think it justifies how he treated me - he fucked me up real bad. But the one thing I know is that I should have ended it waaaaay before it all came crashing down. And maybe as much time and energy would have not gone to waste.

Nothing cures better than time, so I would advise you just to take your time to get over your ex-girlfriend… You have to try to stay away until you feel better, otherwise you might end up with a couple of damaged relationships that might even go beyond repair (I have soooo many from that time in my life). Maybe look through your friends if you have anyone that could be there with you in person when hard times hit and you need a shoulder. Pour your emotions here when you feel down. Find something to do that could distract you - a hobby, a promotion to work towards…

As cheesy as it might sound, everything happens for a reason. Don’t put yourself down for losing her and don’t blame yourself for how things turned out. I learned that the hard way. Don’t be like me. And stay strong! You can get through this, although I know it doesn’t seem that way at the moment. But this will pass. And life will get better, I promise!

[Melrm]

Welcome @Bigzz. It’s time to give yourself the care you deserve without numbing out. Sobriety isn’t punishment; it’s deciding enough is enough. I know things seem bleak right now…only time and patience will be your friend. Through adversity, we grow and get stronger.