What’s worse for you right now? The hell of not drinking or the hell of drinking? The hell of not drinking gets better but you have to be willing to put in the work. It’s more than just not drinking. You have to make changes to your mindset because nothing changes if nothing changes. However, the hell of drinking will always get worse.
I had a friend from the rooms who was a NFL star before coming to AA. He had all the material things, a beautiful wife and children. This guy had it all to those on the outside. But he just couldn’t stop drinking. He did rehabs and meetings, but he didn’t make all the changes he needed to. Well a little over a month ago he ate the business end of a shotgun. I don’t tell you this to disparage him (he was a great person and I miss him dearly) or to discourage you, because recovery is possible if you are willing to work for it. I tell you this because I don’t want to see you end up the same way.
At the end of my last run I was convinced that I couldn’t stop that I was ready to jump off the Rte 28 bridge in Etna PA. I didn’t and here I sit with 5.5 months clean and loving life.
Give yourself a break and find a program that works for you and work the fuck out of it. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done and the thing I’m most proud of in a life where I’ve had some pretty big achievements.