I was out of town with my in-laws after my mother in law passed away. I was doing really well there until the night after the funeral. Watching how close this family is and how distraught they all are really hit me hard. It was a combination of love for them (and my MIL) and a sadness from missing my own departed mother that I just said “fuck it”. I had a couple of drinks.
In many ways it was a conscious choice (even though it was a “fuck it” that put the drink in my hand) and I don’t entirely regret it. I would regret it if I let it take over and send me into a full-on relapse. But I have been back at it hard again. I had 92 days and I’m very proud of those days. Today is the start of day 4. I absolutely plan on getting to 92 and beyond again.
I’m not perfect but I’m doing the best I can as a flawed human being.
I am sorry about your family’s loss. Strong emotions can be hard to handle sober, but with time, that will come. Glad it didn’t lead to anything worse and you didn’t go down the rabbit hole. I drank at my emotions for years, so I get it. Be well.
Welcome back @VSue! I’m had to reset as well, but you’re comments helped me put that in a better perspective. So thank you! I’ve been riddled with guilt and anxiety s o it’s nice to know that’s not the only way to deal with a setback (and far from the vest way too)!
Sorry to hear you had to reset. It’s good to hear that you are accepting it and not beating yourself up. You seem to be in a really good place to keep working on this.
Thank you. I just need to make sure that I don’t let “not beating myself up” doesn’t turn into “lazyness”. I need to make sure that I don’t say “well, I was fine that one time I can do it again”. If I do that it will quickly turn back to everyday drinking for any made up reason.
Glad to hear your back sober again. I had a “fuck it” moment 4 days ago and relapsed. Thankfully it only lasted the one night. Got my ass to a meeting the next day. Stay strong and good luck!
Hey lady, glad you pulled through. I second exactly what @Gabe.G said to the letter. Sounds like you’ve got a solid plan moving forward and I’m glad to see your strength shining through!
Keep struggling, that’s the measure of recovery and sobriety.
When I find myself in the “fuck it’s” I conciously make the effort to change the word “it” to something I love deeply and care about, like my wife, or kids. I change it to “fuck Rachel” or “fuck Maddalyn” because they are more personal to me, “it” is such a broad word for being so little. It’s important to remember why we are making the effort to stay sober and better our lives first, and those around us second.
You absolutely MUST not have alcohol in your house if that is the way you manage it. Facing that panic is the first battle you will face. It is the gatekeeper of your sobriety and recovery. This is where you have to decide if you really want to be sober or not. Choose wisely my friend.
@Meggers thank you very much. I really needed your words, im feeling dead guilty and miserable. I really want to stop drinking once and for all. Yes, i understand that I need to confront with my fear, and the first thing i do now is going downstairs in the kitchen and pour the half bottle left (which i meant to save for tomorrow ‘just in case’)down into the sink hole. Hang on… Done
This is my true start. Hope i will be strong enough when i go to the supermarket next time. Feeling excited and afraid at the same time now. Thank you for being with me and for caring.
All the best to you, mate, speak soon xxx
What’s worse for you right now? The hell of not drinking or the hell of drinking? The hell of not drinking gets better but you have to be willing to put in the work. It’s more than just not drinking. You have to make changes to your mindset because nothing changes if nothing changes. However, the hell of drinking will always get worse.
I had a friend from the rooms who was a NFL star before coming to AA. He had all the material things, a beautiful wife and children. This guy had it all to those on the outside. But he just couldn’t stop drinking. He did rehabs and meetings, but he didn’t make all the changes he needed to. Well a little over a month ago he ate the business end of a shotgun. I don’t tell you this to disparage him (he was a great person and I miss him dearly) or to discourage you, because recovery is possible if you are willing to work for it. I tell you this because I don’t want to see you end up the same way.
At the end of my last run I was convinced that I couldn’t stop that I was ready to jump off the Rte 28 bridge in Etna PA. I didn’t and here I sit with 5.5 months clean and loving life.
Give yourself a break and find a program that works for you and work the fuck out of it. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done and the thing I’m most proud of in a life where I’ve had some pretty big achievements.
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