So I’m here admitting it: I need help

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I’m 31, and I’ve been using for a little over a year.

At the end of last year, I met what feels like my perfect person. And over time, I’ve had to come to terms with something that hurts like hell to admit: I’ve been choosing my addiction.

I’ve gotten to the point where I can finally admit that I need help. Which is honestly wild to me, because before I was actually living this, I didn’t really believe in addiction the way I do now. It’s one thing to hear about it. It’s another thing to realize you’re standing in it.

About two months ago, I had 30 days clean. Then I went back.

What scares me most isn’t just what I’m doing to myself. It’s knowing I’m pushing people away. Knowing that eventually, they may look at me and feel like I chose something over them. Knowing I don’t want them to feel that way. Knowing I don’t want to lose the people I love, my life, or everything I’ve worked for.

I’m now 4 days sober.

And I want to be honest about something: just because I’m sober today doesn’t mean the desire is gone. I still have thoughts about getting more. I still think about using when I come home. That’s the part I’m struggling with right now. I can make the decision not to use today, but I know I’m going to have to keep making that decision when I’m back in the same environment and facing the same triggers.

That scares me.

But tonight, I threw away everything I had left. Meaning my iv use items that ha know i paid for lol hurt like hell, but I know what this addiction can take from me if I keep letting it.

So I’m here admitting it: I need help.

I don’t want to wait until I’ve lost everything to finally understand what this is doing to me. I want to learn how to live without needing something to soothe me. I want to be present for the people I love. I want my life back.

Four days isn’t the finish line. It’s just where I am today.

And today, I’m choosing sobriety. :black_heart:

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Congratulations for choosing sobriety. It is the best decision an addict can make. Addiction is an all consuming, fatal disease. It will keep devouring everything in your life until you’re dead.

To maintain sobriety, you need to have a recovery plan. Merely abstaining can give you a few sober days, weeks or even years. Abstaining WITH inner healing work, a recovery programme etc gives you a much better outcome.

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Welcome Nash. Congratulations on your 4 days. That’s awesome. I was never able to get clean and sober on my own. It’s a big club. Not many people can. Addiction is too fucking powerful. And it’s a cunning and baffling, and insidious disease. I have to surrender every morning.

You found a great sober community and it works if you put in the time here. Read. Keep an open mind and stick with the winners. Something worked for them.

Have a good read around. Join in when you’re comfortable.

Gratitude is a great place to start. I’ll see you over there later today. Gratitude can be a game changer. It’s retrained my brain.

Hope to see you around.
:grinning_cat_with_smiling_eyes:

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Welcome. This is all normal in early sobriety. It’s scary to feel like you have no quick solution to fall back on. You admitted you need help though. That is the biggest step because you can’t get anywhere without willingness to seek help. There are lots of roads to recovery so find what works for you. AA was my route and I continue to do it. Takes a lot of effort I won’t lie, but it’s just a single day and no time. Anyone can fight the battle of just one day. With time and effort your mindset starts to change and you realize you don’t need those substances or even want them anymore. You can do this

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You will need sober people to explain how they do it and/or how they did it

My dude the beginning is the fun part be4 the magic ends. Imagine how little magic remains after years sober then relaps would feel.

The cravings are the line that separates the winners from the losers in the goal

If you relaps, no matter how long you go, dont pick up

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Those first weeks/days are the hardest when you’re coming off IV use. I needed inpatient rehab to get some space between myself and the needle. Good work on ditching your gear. Stay connected to some sort of sober community and know that things get better. Don’t worry about future relapses and how they might feel. Focus on one day at a time

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Try a meeting might help wish you well

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Hey Nash! Welcome to the community!! How have u been since u posted a day ago? Congratulations on 4 days clean and sober :slight_smile:

This is exactly what I desired for myself when I got clean as well. Removing the drugs and alcohol from our lives gives us the opportunity to receive this… and MORE!

I hear ur struggling with being in the same environment and certain triggers. What about ur emvironment is triggering? I found it very helpful in early recovery to write down my reasons for quitting. Every time I craved, I would revisit this list. Play that tape to the end. Remember what happens when we use drugs. The risks, the consequences, the pain etc. That and having distractions also helped.

Hope to see u posting more! :smiley:

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wild to me that i did 30 days easy. but i cannot get past freaking 5. my dudesi feel sooo icky. starting over again. i noticed, i mean im self aware of it, like wtf am i even doing? i aggrivate myself… my relationship; we have been arguing, and then when we go at it verbally or more so when we do not talk, i just i’m in f it mode and i find my familar friend. .. i don’t wanna let this relationship but he does not undestand, he does not want me to seek refuge in meeting and he thinks if you wanna stop you just stop. i did too before i knew what addiction really is. i want to go to someone or people who i can relate to, but a good statement he makes is would i want him to? and being were both jealous individuals….. no i wouldnt want him to go t others either. i just. i am so stuck, stress is makinging me pick it up….. this sucks. i suck. but i shall prevail. how do you manage stress? how does one find a sponsor? i feel like if i had someone i could really be raw with and call in my f it moments i could get thru this part.

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I can feel the desperation in your post @G3tPastthePoint. It seems to me like you are trying to stay sober by sheer willpower and that just won’t work long term. 30 days is a great start but it really is only the beginning of doing the work. Figuring out why you use and finding better ways to deal are necessary. Right now your brain is just going to continue to tell you to give in because that is the path of least resistance. Are there any inpatient or out patient options available for you? Meetings helped me a lot when I quit drinking. Maybe give them a try?

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Can you at least try online meetings without provoking your partner? You can get a sponsor online, too, and generally there’s open talking time before or after the meeting where you can share contact info so you can call someone. For me, this kind of support has been a huge help. Early sobriety is full of ups and downs, so it’s good to have many recovery resources. Do it for yourself, it’s important. Will power alone usually isn’t enough.

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