So I smoked again, but I’m 11 days in for no porn

I’ve been depressed for a long time actually, the penny has only just dropped though, I know the symptoms of depression, I’ve learnt them before, I even hypersensitive to them in others.

I forgot to include myself in the symptom checker, life got too hard, I became detached, took my head away from my body and just started coping to get by.

I’m feeling great about the no porn and also not losing my rag with my daughter - she got caught using someone else’s details to buy extra lunch at school (that’s a post for another day, class experience is a fuckery). That was so much, I was reminded of how detached I was when the stark reality hit home, my financial income is impeding on my daughters experience. I decided to understand instead, and be with her in taking responsibility and thinking of solutions.

Tonight however, I’m Here again for the second time I am logging on to seek support and the second time I’m realising that things are only getting worse and I need to change.

Something about writing that, or saying that has just made it all so real. The truth is I’ve been lying so much to myself and to everyone. I kept ignoring that inner voice which was telling me stop now it’s only going to get worse. I was so weak and kept giving in. I’m too scared to be alone and sober - the craving feels so strong, stronger then me.

I should’ve got help, when I first started stealing, this was a cry unheard - unable to be heard for poverty spoke louder

I’ve always been addicted to something and so is everybody else around me how is it ever supposed to last ha - I’ll see you tomorrow

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Thank you for the kind words