So sick of myself

Ugh. I need to write this all down here so I don’t forget it. I haven’t been able to gain any momentum trying to quit alcohol this round. What do you call someone who “relapses” every single day at 5pm? I’ve been calling myself pathetic.
Last night was the last straw. Happy hour after work with a friend (because I can social drink, right?) where I drank twice as much as her twice as fast, then drove myself home (thank God no DUI) to open another bottle of wine. Husband is irritated, kids are pretending not to notice. Broke two toes and made my daughter cry before taking a zofran to not throw up and passing out in bed. Woke up three hours later in a full blown alcohol induced panic attack and shame spiral. Laid in bed sweating with a racing heart for the rest of the night bargaining with God that if I made it through the night I’d never drink again. Now I’m up with swollen sore foot and need to deal with what I’ve done and haul my ass back to work.
I’m just so sick of myself. I hate myself so much. I need to stop this spiral. I’ve been drinking every day for the last few weeks and even though last night was the worst of it, every single night has me waking up to lay there and hate myself for hours. I need to reread all of this at 5pm every day.

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Do exactly that. Think I will read it too because it was similar to me only it was maybe 7 sometimes 6. It’s a great reminder of what we hate about drinking. Thank you and stay strong x

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So sorry to hear that you’re really struggling with this. I know how that feels. I’m glad you’re here. Never give up. Never!

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I recognize those middle of the night hate sessions. I think you are on the path to sobriety…you just have to get to the point where you hate them more than you like drinking. Are you there yet? It took me a long time to do it but it did happen.

I also wonder if perhaps it is time for you to do some serious research. Read books. Surf the internet. Browse the forum. Get all the information you can about alcohol is doing to your body. Maybe read the book “Guts” by Kristen Johnston. That book will have you both laughing your ass off AND fearing for your life. I swear, when you know how much this shit will kill you those hate sessions will change to motivational speeches.

You can do this. You just have to DO it. We’re here to help. There are lots of people out there who will help, you just have to do your part.

HUGS. You can do it

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I would call someone who relapses at 5pm every single day “Me” 6 1/2 months ago. I could have written your words myself, all of them. I’d tried many many times to quit, moderate, social drink, all the normal stuff with little success. My anxiety got so bad I physically couldn’t/ wouldn’t leave the house. It sounds like you are reaching where I was, you’ve stepped onto the road to sobriety now you just have to work to make it stick. Be willing to do whatever it takes to continue on that road. A few ideas from what I did:

  • Visited my Gp and “owned up” to my problem with alcohol and asked him to prescribe antibuse
  • Visited Alcohol Services and got myself a Keyworker and access to recovery groups
  • Told my nearest and dearest I was an alcoholic and made myself accountable to them
  • Read anything I could get my hands on about alcohol and addictions, The Naked Mind is a fantastic read if that approach resonates with you (changing your mindset towards alcohol is a major key to success)
  • Found myself a addiction counsellor who I visited every week for six months
  • Committed to visit here at least twice a day everyday no matter what it was I had to say, good or bad

This is all helping me to stay sober one day at a time, some of it might help you some might not but if you really want to be sober and you sound like you do have a good look around the forum, read lots of threads and see how others are doing it. You will find the things that resonate with you then you’ve just got to commit yourself to them 100%. Theres always someone here to support and help you too

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If it helps, don’t call them relapses. You just haven’t quit yet. Don’t feel like a failure. Just remind yourself that you haven’t started your journey yet. I used to relapse every couple of hours according to this definition, but in reality I never stopped. First step, put the drink down, just for today.

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I agree with this but I believe I have started my journey. My mindset is very different as a result of reading in here for months and various other places. I do believe it has started but it hasn’t gone into 5th gear yet. I’m trying and I will keep trying

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It’s all about perception for some people. If you are struggling with feelings of failure due to drinking every day, it probably won’t do you any good to keep calling it a relapse. I admitted I needed help in December of 2015. I used every day until I went to rehab in March of 2016. It really wasn’t relapsing because I never stopped using in the first place. I just wasn’t ready for recovery. So yes, technically, my journey had started, I just hadn’t taken any real action yet. I wouldn’t define drinking every day as a relapse because it really isn’t going to help your mindset. If any of that makes any sense.

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I remember how this all felt - and how much I hated myself. I remember taking the zofran and promethazine (left over from husband’s cancer treatment) so they I could function and parent the next day. All this - and I was a social drinker. I could quit if I really wanted to. Riiiiight…

Until I couldn’t. I couldn’t live that way anymore. I started thinking that my family would be better off without me. I had a moment of reckoning where I had to decide whether to live or die - and I could not continue to live as I had been. For me, it had to get that bad before I could surrender to the fact that I needed help.

I never thought like without alcohol was possible. It was such a part of my daily life - how I socialized, how I coped, how I numbed out…how I did dishes, went to the grocery store, cleaned the house…

For the first time in my life, I had to accept that I could not do something alone; I had to have help. For me, that help comes here, in my meetings, and by talking each day with close friends who are also alcoholics.

You can do this. Take it one hour at a time. Figure out what help you need and what you can change. Most of all, know that you are not alone.

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And it was me also 2 years ago, dont give up, get help for your anxiety, i take medication and had CBT counselling . @Shell advice is brill! X

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It does it makes perfect sense. If I drink one night out if 2/3 weeks and the same a week later I still feel my journey is starting because I am not drinking every day if you understand and I’m not excusing those episodes nor am I saying that I want to try moderate drinking. Because after each of those episodes I do crave it the next day so it sets me back. But I still feel further forward than months ago and I know my journey is only beginning. But I definitely feel a shift in my mindset thank you. I’m trying not to just put down the drink but to work on me…found this somewhere. Could’ve been on here but I read it to myself a lot

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I would definitely say your journey has began at this point.

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Thank you and long may it continue :slightly_smiling_face:

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Dear Justme.

You have a vulnerable time slot. 5pm? Establish active meditation at that time. EVERY DAY. Nada Brahma (youtube!) helps best I feel. Helped me greatly to overcome food addiction and others.

Helps like magic!!! You are blessed with children. I could never have any and envy you. You have so much to lose!!! Undthey love and need you. Do the meditation. It will give them their mother back.

Lovingly Priya

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Welcome @PriyaAnn !

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Thank you Charly. Glad to be here :slight_smile:

This is so familiar. 5pm was my “witching hour”. This was the time I got home and about an hour before my wife would get home. I had an hour to drink as much as possible, everyday. If I could get past that hour, if I could just get to 6PM, I would be ok. So many times I tried, so many times I failed. I tried going straight home after work, but inevitably I’d invent reasons to go to the store. I did this for years and years. Day in and day out. I knew I should quit, I just didn’t. I refrain from saying I couldn’t, because I did, so I know I can, I just didn’t, I wouldn’t. The most I’d get is 4 days, usually 2 or 3.

Anyway, it took the death of my grandfather to finally quit. I got really sloppy at his wake and the next day decided to quit in his honor. Well, that only lasted two days shy of two months. My grandfather’s honor gave me 58 days of sobriety. Then I tried again, but that witching hour, got me every time. Again, putting together 3 or 4 days in a row.

After another 5 months, I woke up one Saturday and said, I’m done. What I meant is, I’m done trying to quit for my grandfather, my wife, my kids or anyone for that matter. I decided to quit for me. It made it easier to quit for me, even though it was difficult, it was easier. My mind was made up and so I was able and willing to endure the withdrawals, the boredom, the weird feelings, the sleepless nights because I was doing it for me. I was determined, focused and ready. It took ten years of knowing I should quit before I was actually ready. My only regret is that it took this long.

My goal is and always has been just be sober for one day; just get to the end of the day with out drinking. I’ll reassess my goal tomorrow, but for today, no drinking.

I think you’re on the right path and I think you’re close. Just keep thinking about your goal, and eventually, your will to achieve that goal will be greater than the desire to numb yourself.

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Hi and welcome PriyaAnn. Thank you for sharing about the meditation. I also do not have children, and it’s hard to not envy others. Remember that everyone has something to envy, always.

Like others mentioned allready: you need a sober plan. Make a list of how you want to stay sober and stick to it! It isn’t a easy road, I feel you in that! I’ve been there to, we all do!!
But chop the sober life in pieces and live by it day by day. Today you don’t drink.
I will share you my sober plan, maybe it helps you too.

  • No alcohol in my house
  • Refrigerator filled with nice food and alc. free drinks
  • Telling my spouse about my sober plan
  • Avoid alcohol related activities and friends (at least in the beginning)
  • Having a day counter
  • Avoid wine/beer section in the supermarket and avoid liquor store
  • Taking a strong vitamine B complex
  • Taking melatonin to help me sleep
  • Be gentle to myself, like go to bed early, taking a long bath, etc.
  • Doing relaxing activaties like meditate, yoga, walking, etc.
  • When I have cravings: I don’t pick up that first one but I walk, run, work out, eat chocolat, watch Netflix, clean, study, whatever.
  • Ask for help when I need it.
  • Be here every day to check in sober.

Take care :heart:

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@justMe2, this could have been written by me up to 142 days ago; this was my life for two decades. I thought I couldn’t stay sober beyond 5pm, let alone a day and hated myself and who I had become. I still struggle from time to time because I am learning a new way of being in the world and living life. It will be of no help to you, but you have helped me. Last night I wanted to drink so badly, I was obsessing over it and romanticising it. I had forgotten these feelings and you reminded me. I am free of this guilt and self loathing - and you can be too - and I hope we can help you in return! There is no easy way through - no quick fix but we all know what you’re experiencing, we’ve been there and we’re never far away. You need to dig deep and fight like f*ck. You can do it though. It is achievable.

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