149 days…this is more about my life but i guess my life is also about sobriety now so in an effort to keep it that way i really need to vent…
A little back story…my mum and dad split when i was 4 when my mum had an affair…im 42 now and shes still with and married to the man she had an affair with…my dad used to see my brother and i every sunday from when they split up until i was around 9, then he stopped coming to see us with no explanation as to why…during that time i wrote letters to him to no avail…i missed him terribly which also coincided with having a horrible time at the hands of my stepfather who was emotionally abusive…i didnt see my dad again until i was 18…over this time i admit as a young girl id become resentful of my dad through the hurt…i still to this day say that since he left ive lived my life with a broken heart…my older brother had managed to get back in touch with him and dad wanted to see me so after much deliberation i went to see him full of questions as to why he had left…it was strange when i saw him…he took my brother and i out to his local pub and as soon as i could i asked him why…just why? He wouldnt answer me…saying instead i would ‘find out over time’ i was so angry i could hardly speak…even an ‘i dont know’ would have been something…then a few hours later i found out that he had recieved all the letters id written as a child and had kept them but still hadnt contacted…id assumed he hadnt got them…the next day i said my goodbyes and asked my brother to take us home…that was it for me at the time i felt heartbroken even more.
Since the visit my older brother told me that it was always him that contacted dad and never the other way around so was going to stop contacting him and see how long it would take my dad to get in contact with him…2 years past with not a word from my dad to my brother and so my brother washed his hands of him.
Around 7 years ago my brother found out he had a heart condition that can run in families so we all had to be checked, so my brother contacted dad to let him know…at the time i wanted to make my peace with him so my brother gave me his number…we spoke it wasnt really a deep convo i just badically said that i dont hate him or anything and that i care and wished him well in his life but really all he seemed interested in talking about was my brother.
Today, ive seen my dad on facebook, i didnt even know if he was still alive…for whatever reason my stepdad had searched for him and seen him on there and showed me (i came off fb when i got sober) before he married my mother apparently he fathered a girl who must have searched for him when she was older and one of his pictures shows her with my dad arm in arm and her caption says ‘i love you millions dad xx’ im feeling a rollercoaster of emotions right now i dont really know where to turn
Hey. For starters the only way this situation could get worse is if you got drunk about it.
I think the worst part is that you never got any closure or this
I have a friend rule where I don’t talk about the family unless I’m in the family but I’m bending it here. It sounds like your Dad was hurt by an affair and left and took it out on his innocent children by abandoning them. It also sounds like he did it more than once, hence the facebook post. Just because someone on facebook has a father relationship with your Dad doesn’t mean you will get one too, nor that you need one. I’m sorry you are hurting, it’s a lot to take in. Take the day/evening to sit with and process all the big feelings. You will know what to do. Also, why is your stepdad showing you that hurtful facebook post? I would give you a hug if I could.
I waited around for an apology I was never going to get, until my father was on his deathbead and could barely speak. I forgave him for ME.
Do the same, do it for YOU. God doesnt want you carrying all that hurt anger and resentment, definitely.
Theres always a silver lining. Its taught me to treat people better than that, especially my children. Thats what I take away from my experience.
Stay blessed.
Thank you my friend, yes i dont feel i got closure…the last chat i had with him was my attempt at closure…i didnt want him walking around thinking that i hate him…i didnt want him to carry that around with him and i wanted to feel id done the right thing no matter how hurt i was, i love this man i cant help it, whenever hes mentioned im right back that little girl who just wants her dad to come back for her. Ive actually given myself a hug today lol then i got one off my daughter after school under the pretence that id missed her today, im not remotely thinking of drinking i just need to vent, my love to you Emilie
Im sorry u went through that, you are so right tho the silver linings are always there and i too would never dream of treating my girl like that, thank you friend i hope you are well
Writing letters to my biological father after his death really helped me emotionally cope with the fact that I never was able to meet my biological family, that alcohol had torn my family apart before I was even born. Letters help me get my emotions out of myself and onto a piece of paper that I could read and re-read until I could accept it.
My biological father passed away a year ago yesterday and I went to Barrow for the first time in my life and I got a sense of belonging I had yearned for for years when I went to his funeral. Since then it’s been a roller coaster of emotions dealing with my father’s side of the family and actually found out that life is easier without my aunts… My siblings on the other hand I have been able to get to know them after 34 years of not knowing how many siblings I have on my father’s side of the family.
Family is hard to deal with at times but after my younger brother from my adopted Dad died this last summer I realized what’s important in life and trying to stay connected to family has been a priority for me this last year.
I feel as if any attempt to contact your father or rationalize his abandonment of you leads to more pain and another circle of negative emotions.
Remember that this is all on HIM and not on YOU. You have more than tried…Sometimes effort is the best we can give. This man is not worth your sobriety…
I haven’t seen my father for more then 15 years.
After the death of our mom 17 years ago he started to look for another wife. It was hard for my brother and me but we try to adjust and understand. After a few tries he found “the one”.
It totally broke up our family
Within a few months he broke up with eveybody. Not only me (and his grandchildren) and my brother, but also with his own brothers, my mom’s sisters and his friends.
The kids of my brother he even never met because they where born when he left us.
We tried to make contact several times, but it doesn’t work. It’s sad. But to keep my own sanity and my sobriaty I do not atempt anymore.
I choose me over him.
Last monday was his birthday, he is 83 years old now. I hope he has a good life.
I think you have to let go as well, for your own good. It’s hard and it took me a long time to do that. It’s still my dad and he will be forever in my heart. But to live I had to let go eventually.
It sounds to me that your father took his anger/hurt out on his kids instead of directing it towards your mum, have you thought of writing everything down in a letter and giving him a last chance to answer your questions, the problem is when we become parents there is no rule book and we screw up time to time, do you have resentment against your mum for having an affair or have you got a good relationship ? what does she think about your fathers behavior
Thanks everyone! Meg…my relationship with my mother is complicated to put it lightly…she maintains nothing happened with my stepfather until she split with my dad but its very clear to me even if thats the case she had an emotional affair to begin with as they worked together, whatever went on there was no gap between them splitting and them getting together…i know my dad was heartbroken but he wasnt a great husband either apparently. My mum is a very difficult person to get on with shes very unemotional where im very emotional…she lacks empathy for anyone and i feel is emotionaly lacking…she hates how my dad has treat me but its like im not allowed to be upset by it, she was there yesterday and i couldnt show any feelings because i was told…dont u dare get upset about this Kelly, its stupid so i held it in, went home and cried then wrote on here. I think she made it difficult for my dad to stick around…i know they took him to court for non payment of maintainance for my brother and i…it will have been stressful for him…however on the flip side that shouldnt have made him abandon us either…i want to let go of this i just dont really know how?
Personally if people hurt me now family or no family i cut them out of my life, perhaps speaking to a therapist about it, to help yourself i would distance myself from anything that made me upset, wishing you the best of luck
At first it helped that I tried multiple times te rebuilt our contact, but failed. After the last encounter he had with my brother he wrote an email saying he never wanted to see us ever again. He forbidden us to write ore mail as well and said that if he died we weren’t allowed to visit his funeral because his wife didn’t want it he says. At the end he wishes us a nice life.
I printed that mail on paper.
When I doubt if I have to try to make contact again I reread thad mail. And decide I do not enter this mess again. Troughout the years I put all the sorrow and anger in a bucket in my heart. I put a locket on it. It took years for me to do so. What helped was talking about it with others, loads. Also journaling. And it helps to have a brother in the same situation. So in the beginning we talked a lot about him and how to deal with it.
These days my brother decided to see him as dead. He do not want to talk about him with me anymore.
Most of the time the bucket is locked. At times when I talk about him, like now, I allow the bucket to open en let the emotions come. It’s hard, it shall always be. But it helps that I can look in the mirrow and think I did all I could to rebuild our relationship. And it also helps he disconnected with everybody, not only me.
It took me a long time to find my peace in this. And sometimes when I see an old man with his grandchild it hit me in the heart and my bucket flies open and I have to cry.
But overall I’m good.
I hope you will find your peace as well.
That is so sad, i have a friend who has similar issues with her own mother who gave her away because she preferred her brothers, i can’t relate to any of it as my parents gave me all the love in the world and did everything for me and my sisters and brothers, they even adopted all my cousins when their parents died all 6 of them, i think some people have no idea the gift of having children and some people just don’t deserve to have them.
Im sorry, i know that bucket, i have a bucket too, im sending u a huge hug and im greatful youve opened it as painful as it is in order to try and help me, thank you.
This is the thing …i could try again the door isnt completely shut, i dont know if its my responsibility to open it or if i do will it just cause me more hearbreak which i dont think i can allow because i need to protect myself and my sobriety but i dont want to regret anything either
Parental relationships can be complicated. Sibling relationships, including half siblings and surprise siblings can be complicated. It is natural you are feeling a whirlwind of emotions. But remember, whatever your family dynamic, you have value and worth as a person. How your father treated you, or treats another sibling, says nothing about you. Lack of closure can be gnawing, but ‘let go or be dragged’. I wish I could ask my mother why she lied about who my father was, why she had so many affairs, why she did so many things, but she is dead. I was very angry for a long time. Part of letting go of my anger was accepting she did her best with what she had at the time. It wasn’t good enough for me, but those two things can be true at the same time. Your dad made decisions that caused him the least pain, and seemed the best option with what he had. That can be true. That that option was very hurtful and confusing, etc, for you, is also true. I am glad to hear you have a child. Not passing on some generational trauma to my kids also brings comfort. Though I no doubt hurt them with my drinking, I am open and loving with them.
Thank you for your reply. Ive been doing alot of thinking since i saw the photo and then trying to work out how i feel and why…i felt jealous when i saw the caption and photo of my step sister with my dad…she has what ive wanted all these years…
My dad back…but in thinking about him…the truth is i dont really know him…i did genuinely miss him…but because my childhood wasnt good, my stepfather was horrible to us i think all this time ive wanted him to come make everything better and therefore ive had him on some kind of pedestal…ive made him into someone i thought i needed but they were the thoughts of the little girl i was then …now im a woman and the truth is i dont know this man nor do i need him to save me…maybe its the little girl i need to let go of because i can make her ok now…thats where i am in my thoughts at the moment…does that make sense?
