Sober and Clean Now! Its awful. Really AWFUL

First day clean, and it sucks. The emotions I use to conceal are all present and tormenting me. I feel like tearing my brain out of my own head.
The guilt and shame are INTOLERABLE. I hate myself. I hate everything.
I feel worse now than I did while using. But I’m going to stay sober. I can’t afford the drugs anymore, honestly.
If I offend anyone with this post, that’s unfortunate. I’m sober as I write this, and documenting my journey. I could lie, and say how awesome it feels. Or, I could lie about BEING sober, and post a million super happy “yay sobriety” messages, when I’m obviously fucked up. There’s a lot of that here…
Reality is, everyone experiences life from their own perspective, and my perspective is that sobriety is no better than using. I’ve done both, for long stretches of time.
I hope I can still post here if my sobriety is not butterflies and rainbows. Because it certainly isn’t.

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So, what is pushing you to quit, if sobriety is not better? Thats a genuine question, not having a go at you. Is it just the money?

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At this point it’s the money and the intense dislike of having to deal with other human beings while scoring drugs. Drunk or sober people suck in general. I’m better off alone and clean.
I would rather go through withdrawals than deal with pretending to care about people I meet while I’m out getting or being high.

Yes, I agree that sux. I think a lot of the reason I mainly drank was it’s legal and easy to get, I hated the feeling of sneaking around and doing something that might get me in trouble.
Be easy on yourself, yes it sux, it’s going to suck. Your brain is used to one way and it needs to learn another, its going to be hard.

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Wish I had a system like the one you describe in Australia. You’re really lucky.

It’s a very common feeling that you have @Noxamanda11. A lot of recovering addicts go through hell the first few days and they truly do believe that sobriety is worse than using. It’s not the case, though! Sobriety is and always will be the better alternative. It takes a while to realize that sometimes, but just give it time.

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@Noxamanda11 I can understand how it feels looking at everyones happy positive posts thinking they have it all figured out, " thats never gonna be me".
Well we dont… we are human beings using trial and error. We are addicts who are trying to figure out the best way for us to stop using, and to cope with a sober life…sobriety is raw it feels like you jumped into the deep end of a pool full of emotions and you don’t know how to fkn swim… our addiction is like floaties//life vest as silly as it sounds… we never actually are learning how to swim it’s just a crutch.
Sobriety is hard. I will always get upset when someone who doesnt suffer from addiction tries to judge us when we are trying to stay sober because it takes alot of balls to question the way youve been living… We essentially have to rescue ourselves.
Trust me we understand what you are going through, if not me there is someone here who gets you.
Im glad you continue to come back to this for regardless of having to reset and hating sobriety.

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Just a little idea of how it felt in the first week or few days for me emotionally.

  • ashamed
  • desperate
  • nervous
  • doubtful
  • weak
  • lonely

I went through some really rough emotional stuff completely sober.I also went to birthday parties and a wedding sober… fcking hated it… I cried out of frustration .However I was determined to power through whatever shitty emotions I felt so that I could learn some coping skills I dont have when I drink.
You can and will do the same. Its okay that you are starting again, because all that matters is you want a better life than the one youve been living.

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@Noxamanda11 I felt just like that too the quilt makes me want to keep using it nums the feeling of what I feel like but it goes away everyday don’t get me wrong I crave everyday I wake up through out the day I’m broke bills ha e to be paid I keep telling myself I have a son I want to go see in Dec have to keep focus. Its going to be the hardest thing we ever did. But your not a lone. Be string and keep writing

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Yes Tanya Rae that’s exactly what I feel and am dealing with, the wreckage of my past hitting me square in the face. Its ugly. Everything is ugly

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There’s an old phrase my mum used to say to me and it’s stuck with me to this day, ‘today’s news is tomorrow’s fish and chips paper’, essentially meaning all of the bad things today will soon be forgotten and things will move on. It helps when I feel I cannot move on and that all the things I have ever done will haunt me for the rest of my life. I feel immense shame and guilt about the things I have done while drunk or hurt about my past, but it gets easier day by day. I think of sobriety as a saving grace because although I dread not being able to become numb to all the bad thoughts and feelings atleast I know I am preventing myself from actively causing myself more regretful and upsetting moments. It will get easier and you will feel better, it just takes time. You can do this :slight_smile:

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I do know where your at but remember its in past and a new day you can start fresh and clear head. It hurts to see what we have done but you can’t keep going back it not going to help you move forward for a better day. Stay strong positive will fellow you

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I know how ya feel babe, even tapering off I’m getting awful withdrawals. My head has been killing me constantly.

I’m sorry cajun, alcohol withdrawal is awful I feel for you :frowning:

Post away! I think its great you want to post what’s on your mind and encourage you to do it more. Overcoming any addiction is certainly not rainbows and butterflies, but I can see how you see it that way.
Did you get rid of that guy?

First day of sobriety sucks so bad. It is the hardest day at of them all. Trust me. Day 2 is bad, but not as bad as day 1. You didn’t offend anyone, you are being honest, and I agree. I promise you, I do, that once you hit 2 weeks, you’ll notice a difference. Then a month. Then 3 months. Then suddenly it’s been a year. There will be times where it is hard to resist, but these moments are short, and will subside. Fight it off, like you would anything person trying to do you hhar. You got this

No one starts life wanting to an addict or alcoholic. And your motivation sounds awesome.

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I can say I thought the same way at first … and even now I fight with myself … my thoughts of my past and learning to deal with my emotions in a whole new way … I relate with the feelings …

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Well I’m still clean and I swear to God it’s getting more messed up every day. Every part of my life is blowing up, and I am not coping very well. I feel like I’m going crazy from stress, the hits just keep on coming. And I am so alone. I try to communicate with my husband and it’s a fail each time.
And now the people that I used with want to kick my ass…seriously…this is a small town, they all know each other , and one or two have been to my HOUSE. I’m really scared. They all know that my husband is unaware of my meth use. And how much it would destroy me and him if he finds out…I’ve never been in a fight, they’re all gangsters, but I’d
take a beating over disclosure in a heartbeat.
I want to disappear. We are stuck here because of my failures, my husband told me last night he wonders wtf he was thinking, marrying me…I am again on the verge of being fired, I have to return to work Saturday…and I don’t even remember how to do my damn job. it’s been almost 2 months I’ve been off.
I’m dying for peace…just one hour of not feeling this horrible.

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Today is here and I hope your ok today … been reading your post and I can so relate to your feelings … time will make things better