I’m at a loss here and looking for insight. I’ve been alcohol free for over two years. I quit on my own accord and after fifteen years decided to stop. Miraculously never had any legal troubles. Went through full DT’s and never looked back. I am seriously dating someone who was alcohol free for quite awhile and had to stop because they got into a fair bit of trouble, stopped but has started drinking again.
How is it that when I try to explain that it REALLY bothers me, I’m made out to be the bad guy?
I’ve been the one who is stuck cleaning up the messes afterwards and I’m getting stressed out AF about this. When I try to dissuade them from drinking, I’m told I’m being controlling. It really hurts me because I do love them and have tried to explain how their drinking affects me but it doesn’t change their activities.
Idk. Im just lost and frustrated at this point because it seems like my love isn’t valued as much as the bottle.
My quandary there is that I am not the person the believes in groups. I dont follow a higher power. I gained my sobriety the hard way. On my own. It’s an annoying wrench in the typical gears, but I really do like the feedback, I guess I just don’t know what it really involves, Ive been to AA meetings and I couldn’t stay because the message just dosent fit into how I’ve lived my life and made the changes for myself.
Do you think this person has a problem with alcohol? If so, the reason why you’re being made out to be the bad guy is because that is what this disease does. We lie, we make excuses, we deflect blame. I’m sorry you’re being made to feel this way. I don’t have advice for what you should do. You need to decide for yourself how important it is for you.
Thank you, they definitely have a problem because they were hiding bottles around our house and I saw them getting rid of them last week which I thought was a turning point for them, but guess who’s out at a bar and guess who’s home with the dogs? they had significant legal problems before we met and did resolve them before we met also, they didn’t drink when we were first dating but the gates slowly opened and here I am venting to strangers who have the best intentions.
I’m so very sorry about that. That is not what anyone needs to deal with. You need to do what’s best for you. I wish you all the best in making your choice. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Dating a drinker and dating an alcoholic are two different things for me. I’ve accepted the fact that it’s hard to find someone that doesn’t drink EVER. I could accept dating someone that drinks socially and doesn’t have a problem. I could not date another alcoholic even if they were sober when we met. That’s my personal take on that.
This is the first time in my life dating while I’m the sober one, so I’m in uncharted waters. Even with one drink their behavior changes, when it’s more than one, hold on to your hat becaus who knows what I’ll be getting into.
Thank you for sharing your story and current situation. It takes alot of courage to share that!
Relationships can be very difficult when one or both parties have the disease of alcoholism. By no means am I an expert on relationships as I am currently separated from my wife and son for the 2nd time in a year.
However, I had to make the honest choice of stopping to drink for myself. And not for anyone else or to save my marriage. I had to honestly do this for me. I have not had a desire to drink for 375 days. I needed to change myself because just not drinking is not enough for me.
With that being said, I can whole heartedly relate to you on doing this on your own. I had done that for over 16 years. So, what has worked for me this past year different than in the past 16 years?
Well, I myself am in the program of AA. I completely understand your view on meetings and the higher power concept. And I truly respect that. But, I can only tell you from my own experience that AA has worked for myself after trying to do it on my own for so many years. Having the support of other alcoholics who understand and relate to my situations has been very important in my sobriety. I am not going to comment any further on AA or the the concept of a higher power.
The only advice I will give, is to truly continue to do it for yourself. And I feel for your situation because it very difficult. AND…you are doing it for yourself which is the most important thing you can do right now! Stay strong.
I wish you the best of luck and I will pray for you!
One last tid bit, if I may. Something that has been very helpful for myself in dealing with situations is the Serenity Prayer.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to the change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
Say it to yourself and give it a shot.
I have learned that I cannot change other people’s actions, thoughts, or feelings. I can only change what I can. And I have had to realize what I can and cannot control or change.
Figuring out that last part is a daily struggle for myself. But, trying to do my part, and trying to be part of the solution, and not the problem has helped.
We cannot change someone else, but we can change ourselves. You are on the right path. Just keep doing what you are doing for YOU.
Truth is, you can not make them stop drinking. You can not save someone that doesn’t want to be saved. I’m sure by now they know how you feel about it and what it does to your relationship. They made their choice. And it’s time you make yours: being in relationship with a drinker or walking away from them.
Hi Jeanette! That’s a really good point actually, there’s a big difference between the two, drinker & alcoholic. Just curious why you wouldn’t date another alcoholic in recovery? I promise I’m just wondering and not trying to convert you lol
It’s so hard to accept that it doesn’t have anything to do with you though when you are deep in the middle of it. My husband didn’t want to stop drinking and was a habitual liar about it as well. It was hard to seperate his actions with my self worth. Which I’m sure he felt the same way with my cheating, it wasn’t his fault (because I made a lot of excuses in my head, justifying it) and I was the only one to blame.
@Stranglysober I’m sorry you’re going through this… Your partner seems to be trying to turn things around on you. Stay strong with your values and what you deserve.
Definitely… And I like the phrase “stop personalizing it”. I might repeat that every time I get annoyed with someone else. Usually it’s never about me.
That’s the messed up punchline about this, I was a shameless alcoholic to the point where I divorced my ex because I couldn’t deal with her “nagging” me about my drinking. So there’s a dark irony that the shoe is on the other foot now.
…you don’t need to punish yourself for your past if you have put in the work to change I can very much relate to what you just said and I can tell (I’m assuming) you feel like maybe you need to give your current partner more consideration so you don’t feel like a hypocrite consumed with guilt. Damn, I’m sorry, I really hope you work things through with yourself to see you deserve to be treated with respect, and to treat yourself with respect and well…
(Also by no means am I suggesting to “leave”, just do not feel responsible to endure it)
) more easily, that’s for sure
I can very much relate to what you just said and I can tell (I’m assuming) you feel like maybe you need to give your current partner more consideration so you don’t feel like a hypocrite consumed with guilt. Damn, I’m sorry, I really hope you work things through with yourself to see you deserve to be treated with respect, and to treat yourself with respect and well…