Hey y’all,
I’ve been sober for a week now. Normally, I’d get the urge to relapse. But lately, I haven’t been feeling anything at all. As a porn addict, your sex drive plays a major part in the addiction. Though ever since my heart broke, I’ve been feeling completely numb. It’s been hard. Last summer I quit porn, got a job and started dating this girl, who eventually became someone I loved very much, until she left me and a big chunk of my friends with me too. It all happened so fast.
Even though it’s only been somewhat two months ago, it still feels like yesterday. I reached out to a ton of friends for help, but eventually they all confessed to not knowing how to help me, or to tell me quit complaining and move on, not knowing how hard that can be (I can’t simply let go, I’ve tried and I’m simply hoping people will try and give some support by maybe offering to hang out or something, which sounds selfish, but I feel like it’s something that helps). And sadly, today I’ve reached the bottom of the list of people I can talk to and got into an argument with a friend and he ended up telling me to stop playing the victim and other horrible stuff. Can’t say it wasn’t my fault though, I was hopeless and kept asking for help and I may have annoyed him because I kept saying how bad I feel and how I don’t feel like anyone cares. Deep down inside I know people actually care, they just don’t always show it.
Apparently I did things to the girl I never knew I did or I did things that were misunderstood, and I really have been trying my best to apologize to her. Though the problem is, as rumors spread around, I’ve been labeled as, well, a stalker (long story). And, all the time, I barely knew about doing anything bad. And it makes me feel bad, you know? I never did bad things on purpose, but that’s what no one talks about. So, the worst possible thing that could happen happened, and a lot of people, including a ton of my friends, have simply turned against me, with the last of my friends being those who simply don’t care and those who were kind enough to listen to me and understood the situation.
While my biggest priority is getting over this, I feel like I have let it take over me. I’ve focused on getting over it for so long that I forgot to take care of my body. The day before I had to reset my sobriety streak, I had finally showered after a week, only to keep showering daily and eventually leaving a 3 day gap again. The main thing I’m doing now is overwork, meaning I’m working harder and harder at school and working around 15 hours a week part time (I’m supposed to work 12 max, but I’ve agreed to working longer). And surprisingly, I’ve been able to handle that very well so far. Though not being able to spend a ton of money on dating, I’m now stuck with quite a big amount of money for someone my age. I do not feel like money can buy happiness.
As for my goals for this week, I managed to get a lot of them done at least once, but consistency is still something I need to work on. Staying motivated is very hard, as my main source of motivation just used to be that girl. Now that she’s gone, I’m having a hard time taking the effort to look nice and check my personal hygiene.
Week 1 might not’ve been what I hoped it would be, but I guess week 2 can get better somehow.