Hi! My journey starts again from day 1.
I tried moderation but without much success. I just couldn’t accept the idea of not drinking again. But yesterday I drank too much, again, and today I obviously feel bad and full of regrets. I just behaved like an idiot. I must face my problem seriously. Now my fear is that tomorrow I’ll feel better and simply think I’m too anxious and I’m over reacting. I’m also afraid of losing my friends and of people’s judgement. Also, I must find a program and follow it, giving priority to my recovery. I haven’t had the courage to go to a meeting yet.
Anyway, today I started imagining my life sober. No more hangovers, no more regrets, no more damage to my health. It will be hard but I must start somewhere and I must start now. I’m thankful to this forum for all the support I’ve always found here.
That’s a lot of fear caused by nothing other than alcohol. If alcohol never existed you wouldn’t be afraid of any of those things. How much better would your life be! Alcohol doesn’t need to exist in your life. It serves no other purpose than altering your mind, your perception of reality. If you need to moderate how much you drink then you probably have a problem. You shouldn’t have to control anything.
Find pleasure in life elsewhere. The only reason we turn to alcohol is because over years we build up neural pathways that light up like a Christmas tree when we drink. Our brains literally go “this alcohol feels nice I want more”. You need to replace that in time with something else. “Painting feels nice I want more” “I’ve just done 42 push-ups and feel amazing, I want more”… you get the idea.
On a final note, if your friends can’t handle you not drinking then I’m afraid they’re not friends.
If alcohol never existed you wouldn’t be afraid of any of those things.
I like this perspective! How true. We drink to get over our fears… that alcohol created for us in the first place 
I sometimes lay in bed at night and wonder what the world would be like if alcohol wasn’t a thing. If it was classified as a poison like ammonia. I mean after all when we get drunk we’ve just basically given ourselves mild chemical poisoning. Anyway, yes, a world with no alcohol, no bars, no pubs or clubs. No late night fights over nothing, no alcohol fuelled violence, all the lives saved from drink driving, cancers and other illnesses. I think the world would be a much nicer place to live in.
Alcohol wouldn’t be near the problem that you describe if it weren’t for people who drink like me.
Hello & really glad you’re here @Rain76 
Start today! ‘Tomorrow’ never yields good results for me. Depending on your time of day…begin researching recovery programs available near you, today. You can still walk into a meeting today.
Having a group of people help prop you up (and they will) until you can stand on your own is essential for most people in recovery. You do not need to live in fear. You do not need to be afraid of seeking help. Im really glad you reached out…reach a little further and act immediately on this gut instinct of yours that you need further help
Good point. I’m looking at it through an alcoholics eyes.
Thank you all! A few months ago I had planned to go to a SMART meeting, but then I didn’t feel ready to do this step. Now I’m in a country where I think there are only AA meetings and I’ll be staying here for a month. I should really find the courage to go and give it a try. I’m obsessing about the past but this is something I can’t change. I can change my present and my future though.
For sure give a meeting a shot. Worst case scenario is you don’t like it. Best case scenario you go and it saves your life. There’s many other options if you don’t like AA.
So today I met some of the people I normally drink (too much) with. To my surprise, nobody mentioned alcohol at all. We had some work to do and we just drank coffee, coke, tea and water. And we got a lot done. They might go out and have a party tonight. I don’t know because I decided that after work it was time to go home. But the old me would have started drinking at 11 am and feel lazy and tired by 3 pm. And I would have been the only drinker. It’s clear that I spent years saying to myself that my drinking habits were normal or at least acceptable. Well, they weren’t.
I’ve booked my flight back home for next month. I have a 5 hour stopover and 2 nights in a beautiful hotel with a wonderful rooftop bar. I was worried because I would normally drink on these occasions. For a moment I gave for granted I was going to relapse. Why not? What could happen? Just one or two beers by the pool. Then I remembered what happened last time I drank. I started with just one drink and the following morning I couldn’t remember what I had done and said after 11 pm. I might have said things I now regret to someone who has a great influence in the field I work in and whom I admire so much. After 21 days I can’t remember what I did for real that night and what just happened in my imagination. When I ordered my first drink I certainly didn’t plan to get drunk, but it happened. Do I really want to take this risk again?
One is never enough! Better to enjoy the view and remember it 
Or even better rather than sitting in the bar looking at the beautiful view, take a walk and be part of it. There’s so much more to life than wasting it on blackouts and hangovers.
I also am being constantly surprised how different my drinking patterns are to other people. Like I seriously didn’t realise it wasn’t normal to get blackout drunk 
The foolish consider the odds. The wise consider the stakes. So what are the odds that you won’t stop after the 1st drink? What are the stakes if you don’t?
I think part of the problem is that I’ve been doing the same things since I was 18 years old. I need to learn a new behaviour. Sobriety is still new to me, so I have to stop, think and have a plan. What are the things I like doing when I’m not drinking? I’ll go to a beautiful tea house, then to the park for a long walk, I’ll have a nice meal and yes, the rooftop bar is a wonderful experience, that I will enjoy with a Virgin Mary. The long stopover at the airport will be harder but I’ll have Wi-Fi and books 
That sounds like a really great plan. Enjoy!
Excellent. Have a plan. Visualize this plan. Practice politely declining offered drinks, or invitations to places where drinking is the central focus. You are right, you do need to relearn (or learn) how to do everything sober, and you can.
I can do everything sober, that I used to do while drinking. I’ve spent glorious days at a winery, and didn’t drink. I’ve gone to birthday parties and weddings, and didn’t drink. I’ve gone, hiking, camping, fishing, and didn’t drink. I’ve gone to work/social events, and didn’t drink…
And you can too. You just need to work into it, build those sober muscles, and have a plan.
My plan: Get better at getting better, each and every day.