Netherlands here 
. The majority of the population here is non-denominational these days. And our government and its institutions firmly secular. All in all the population isn’t smarter or better than that of any other nation alas, but at least religion isn’t as dominant as it is in the States and most countries.
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Just watched the second episode of Famous Last Words on Netflix, which is a series of interviews with people who are in the final phase of their lives, interviews to be aired after they die. The first one was dr. Jane Goodall last October. The new one which aired last night is with Eric Dane, the actor who died from ALS a couple of days ago. Profoundly moving, deeply human, very recognizable.
In this interview there’s no god involved, no higher power, no divine intervention. This is it. Just a man and his life, his struggles and his victories. An addict like us all here talking about life with a clarity that only he could have at that point in his life. His gift to us all and especially to me tonight. As I’m here after some very hard days at work, watching this gave me some relief, some release and some direction. This life is what we have. We’re in this together. We better make the best of it. Thank you Eric Dane. Highly recommended watching.
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Tonight I’ve made it 8 days but I had a lapse. I’m not ashamed because I still feel in control and that is where I want to be. I had a small wine with my partner for dinner and then I made the choice to opt for water.
I need to focus on my hobbies and moving house to not let it creep back in. I spent all day yesterday combing the rental market and by the end of the day everything was a blur
One trigger at a time.
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I just watched it this morning. It was very emotional. When he said that he doesn’t believe in anything more, that the lights just go out - that really spoke to me because that’s how I feel.
I haven’t seen the episode with Goodall but I’ll watch that next.
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The problem with addiction is that once we have lost control over our drinking, we’re not getting it back. It is my conviction that the only control we have is total abstention. I sincerely hope you can stay in control friend. And stay sober. Succes to you.
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That sounds beautiful! I’ll have to watch it. I adored Jane Goodall as a kid and wanted to be just like her 
also, I’ve heard amazing things about the Netherlands! Beautiful place, you’re lucky to live there 
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Unloading
My dad has had heart issues for over 20 years. I think we are at the time when he doesn’t have much longer. He has been in the hospital for a little over a week now on an IV medication that is normally given towards the end of life and there is talk of sending him to a nursing home. I’ve worked out some things with work and am driving over there tomorrow and staying for a week. I will be able to stay with him during the day and then go to work in the evening. I have had a lot of conflicting emotions. Yes, he is my dad but we have had a complicated relationship and I have had a lot of resentment towards him for a long time. I have tried to let go of my resentment over the years but it’s definitely easier said than done. When my mom passed I had a lot of guilt for not spending more time with her because I always thought there would be tomorrow but I know that isn’t the case. I am trying to do better with this parent. Originally I had planned on going later in the month because it would work out better for my schedule but I spoke with his doctor today who said if I can come sooner than I should. Going home is very triggering for me. I plan to work my sobriety, make sure to allow myself personal time, and continue with my running/ workout program to hopefully combat the emotions this coming week will bring.
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That‘s so much to hold. I’m really proud of you for going sooner, even though it’s hard and triggering. That says a lot about who you are. You’re choosing presence, even with a complicated history.
You can love your dad and still carry resentment. Both can be true. And this time, you’re doing what you can so you don’t have the same regrets.
I’m also really glad you’re protecting your sobriety and planning for personal time and your workouts. I hope it grounds you when You are confronted with mixed feelings.
You don’t have to fix the past this week. Just showing up is enough. Take very good care of yourself 
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You take care of yourself please friend. Especially now. Guard your boundaries. Wishing you strength and wisdom and love in the coming time. For yourself and for others. 
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Check in/ update -
Trigger wise this trip hasn’t been terrible. I just don’t like being in my home town. I see the house I bought weed in, the apartment I lived in when I was on meth, the back road I took to the liquor store, the bars I use to frequent. I don’t really see happy memories here. I just see the part of my life where I was addicted to different things.
My dad is not doing good. He is home but on oxygen and having a hard time breathing even with the oxygen. He is on an IV drip that is helping his heart continue to beat. My sister wants me to help her bring up “what are his wishes for when he passes” tomorrow. I know he has a will but we are more concerned with do you want to be buried, if so where or do you want to be cremated. Tough conversation for sure and not one I feel prepared for. My mom took care of all of this stuff when she found out about her brain tumor. She didn’t want us to deal with anything. I try not to compare them (but I know I am) My mom was selfless and always thinking of us. My dad is selfish and always thinking of himself. I honestly don’t think he has much longer, maybe a few months if that but I could be wrong (I’m not a doctor). My emotions are so conflicting. Our relationship has been strained for so long but I also feel compassion for him. It is hard seeing him so weak and frail.
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I can understand the mixed emotions. Deep breaths and you can get thru the tough convos. Hopefully you can lean on your sister. Is she supportive?
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I think she is the one looking for support. When I leave tomorrow she is the one that will be left to handle all this stuff with dad. I told her I’m sorry she is the one having to mess with his Iv and she said she is grateful she is close enough to be able to do it. I’m glad she has that outlook because I would be stressing out all the time about it
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I don’t have much good to say in this situation as I can only imagine how it feels. But I recognise the trauma of being in a home town; going anywhere near home makes me stone cold inside. It’s like it wasn’t home, ever. Maybe that’s true for you. Home is where you can love, not just live.
Good luck and sending love
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The end of life details, assigning power of attorney and an executor of the will, burial arrangements, and access to documents and accounts, it’s helpful to have all that stuff sorted and in writing before you need it. Making sure everyone who needs to know does know is another bit of it.
My brothers and I, having seen the upheaval after Mom died, made sure to get all this worked out with Pop. He’s been on hospice two years now, but whenever the time comes, we know it will be much easier on those left behind than when Mom passed.
Taking care of yourself is huge, too, and you know that. Being in your old haunts, it seems like you are seeing them for what they truly are, just places that you used to be. Make sure you don’t hesitate with your dad on any conversation you need to reconcile your relationship - just to come to an understanding of how you both feel is important.
I hope you can feel the good vibrations from here all the way over where you are.
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