Sober without god. An atheist / agnostic / humanist thread. Please be respectful!

[Mno]

Old guy on a bike made it through today. Didn’t fall but it wasn’t relaxed riding. Would like to have stayed home and looked at it from the inside, just like my cuddlies. Anyway, home safe now, don’t need to go to work tomorrow. Got a ticket for Van Gogh Museum in the morning but will see if I go or not. More snow on the way. It will probably be quiet which it isn’t often.

@TMAC I understand the fear and I feel a lot of it too. For the world especially. As to a possible new manager: it’s just totally useless to fret about it now. As you know of course. I am beginning to understand that most of the fears I feel, most of the stress I encounter, have not much to do with actual happenings happening. Now or in the future. Most of it is old wounds being triggered. implicit memories as they are called, actually the same sort of thing that happens when we crave our old DOC’s. Understanding that has made it easier for me to let go of these feelings.

BTW, no ADHD here as far as I know, but all very recognizable. My previous two managers let me really do my own thing. The new one is much more managing top/down, and I don’t really like her too much. Which gave me quite a lot of stress early on, but she is beginning to learn to give me my space I feel. When you’re good you’re good and it should be a really stupid person not to see that. It happens. But no use to worry too much. It’s not happening now. One day at a time right

[Tragicfarinelli]

We are getting snow again tomorrow too. I’m over it. not good in London, we can’t cope.

[Runningfree]

Sounding off

I’ve had some good days off minus the small annoyances over the weekend. The plumbing guys are still working and probably will be for most of the week. I’ll be happy when this is all over. We found out tree roots had grown into our main line. I was wondering why they had dug the trench in a different spot than the original plan. I had a cleaning at the dentist today. My normal hygienist wasn’t there and that made for an anxiety filled appointment. My normal lady knows my quirks and lets me hold the suction tube. This lady was all business and seemed annoyed that I wanted to hold the suction tube. The guy that runs the cycle club on the app I use has moved the class to monday evening and that’s exciting because now I can do them live instead of having to wait until the class is uploaded to the library.

I resonate with so many things discussed on the thread today. I love my boss but I know she is in school and eventually will leave. I think I would be ok working under someone else unless they are a micromanager. I’m a hard worker and hit the requirements with ease so if I take extra breaks she doesn’t mind. I would hate to have someone monitoring my teams status and key strokes. This world and the things happening is so hard on my mental state. I think mostly because I feel like I can’t do anything about what is going on. I feel like no matter how many people band together and do protests things will not change. The news is depressing and as much as I want to be informed, I also don’t want to be.

All I know for certain is that I will take things day by day and I will continue to work my sobriety. Changing my sobriety status will not help or change anything in the world.

[Mno]

I don’t feel great but I have no fever. So no excuse to stay home from work tomorrow I’m afraid. While a sleet/snow/rain storm with gale force winds that will last a full day or so is fast approaching. It will be an interesting ride to and from work. Headwind to get there. If I believed in a deity I’d think I’m being punished for not believing in a deity

I am very glad I did go to Van Gogh Museum this morning. Probably the quietest morning of the year there. I had the time to look at my favourite paintings close up, far away and in between, with no interference. This is still my favourite work by him on display. Much love.

[TMAC]

This is probably a bit strange, given I didn’t know her, but I am missing Sinéad O’Connor today.

If you were here on the forum in 2023, I commented on it at the time when she passed. It messed me up more than I would have anticipated, about a week or so where I’d just randomly cry over it. Being deeply connected to my Irish heritage (1st gen American) and a musician myself, as well as growing up in a strict traditional Irish Catholic household - I have this feeling of connection to her and her art. I can understand, and more importantly feel, a lot of it. Knowing specifically what she went through in her life, much of it due in some way or another to the Catholic church, prompts an intense emotional reaction in me.

Anyhow. I hadn’t really listened to her since the weeks following her death and I put her on this morning when I had the dogs out. Before I knew it, crying like a baby. It’s something about the combination of her art and her story. The way she sings things. There are certain lines and melodies that literally take the breath out of me. I’m really glad in this footage they focus just on her and her energy.

She was wonderful.

[DanielaJ]

Thank you for sharing and reminding me of this beautiful voice and wonderful person. Missed by many

[DanielaJ]

Take good care of yourself, Menno. And please remember: We are allowed to call in sick even when there is no fever.

So happy for you that you went to Van Gogh Museum. I also love his art. I went to an exibition today, too! It was about the history of the city I live in. I thought of you when I found this piece: Diary of a homosexual, published in 1910 in Stuttgart.
I learned today that not only (and sadly) we have a history of punishing homosexuality, but also of early queer literature and tolerance, and that makes me happy and proud.
Hugs to you, friend!

TW: nudity.

[Englishd]

@TMAC

but I am missing Sinéad O’Connor today.

Dude I’m literally listening to her right now. As I type this.

[Runningfree]

Oomph, rough start to the day for me. Haley has been throwing up since yesterday evening. I’ve been up and down with her and cleaning throw up all night. We are currently at the vet and she is getting images done. I’m so scared they are about to come in here and tell me she is dying and I’m so very tired Add to the plumbers are also supposed to to be at the house and I had a run scheduled for this morning. I left the gate open for the plumbers so they can do their thing and I can always push my run to tomorrow.

Update- Haley is being hospitalized for IV fluids and medication. She is very dehydrated and they said her white blood count is high. If she is better tomorrow, she gets to come home. If she isn’t they are going to do a barium test. The x-rays didn’t show anything concerning in her stomach or intestines so hopefully she gets to come home tomorrow. I’m grateful there wasn’t anything on the x-rays but also I hate leaving her there because she hates it and I feel bad. I’m off to try and take a nap before work.

[TMAC]

Hoping it’s just some stomach disruption/bug and the dehydration is just from her getting sick for the past day or so! It’s encouraging that they aren’t seeing anything of concern on the imaging, that’s a good sign. She’s a tough lil lady!

[Mno]

Made it through my workday, the ride home was the hardest part actually as there was fresh snow on top of icy stuff and the wind changed direction and it was snowing. But I made it home safe. Having my meal now, and I didn’t get more ill I feel. My nose is starting to turn red and hurt a bit from all the but I will survive that. One day at a time friends. Love.

@Runningfree Sending positive thoughts and vibes to Haley and you Jennifer. Hugs to you both.

[Runningfree]

lol she is a tough ole lady for sure. She has been through so much. I always tell her she’s gonna make it to 20.

@Mno thanks for the hugs. I’ll take some snow too. We haven’t seen any this winter and I love it

And on a positive note- I’m now fed, hydrated and feeling less tired after a 2 hour nap. My boss let me do a half day so I still have about a hour before clocking in.

[TMAC]

Ongoing back problems strike again.

It’s never great, and I am never discomfort-free. Just varying levels of suck depending on the day. And there’s several different sensations it can present as, different locations, etc. Well the nasty, most difficult version hit this morning when I was in bed and shifted my weight. Simple as that. My body is doing that thing where the muscle/nerve aggravation around my spine is pulling my body crooked. Very unpleasant. Not as aggressively as it has in some previous instances, but enough that you can see it. I’m hoping 4 or 5 days out of the gym, resting, icing, accupressure will be enough. One of many tough parts about this, though, is that once I’m back in the gym it takes me 1-2 months to get back to where I was, if I get there…usually I come back a little less each time.

I’m in the process of getting set up with an adult neurosurgeon (the one that did my fusion is/was a pediatric neurosurgeon primarily) to continue trying to figure out why things have gone so wrong since my surgery. They want me to get a new MRI (so many of these fucking things), so I have that next week. I just want to talk to the guy. I’d be very hesitant to even entertain the idea of another surgery.

Whole thing is hard. Runs my life. I’ve written about it before, but in hindsight, I don’t think I needed the surgery. I think I had weak, damaged back muscles that were never healed properly. I wasn’t doing a lot of the pre-surgery physical therapy exercises right because I was never taught how to engage my core properly, until I figured it out myself about a year before surgery…but by then, I was convinced something was very wrong since it has been years at that point. Also, I had this belief that you’re NEVER supposed to curve your lower back, I thought that’s what people meant when they talk about “bend at the knees”. Silly line of thinking in retrospect. Can chalk that up to my ADHD, not understanding these things unless they are actually explained directly/clearly and also occasionally misunderstanding expressions. So I hadn’t been doing childs pose and other low back stretches correctly for a lot of time pre-surgery too. Similar to activating my core muscles, I also eventually figured out on my own that curving your low back is fine and often part of proper mechanics. But too late.

I can say with certainty, what I was dealing with prior to surgery was NOTHING compared to what I deal with day-to-day now (nerve pain etc), let alone these flare-ups.

I feel like I intentionally gave myself something which is presently disabling at times, that will develop into full-on disability eventually…backs don’t have a reputation of getting better with age. Speaking of that, I feel like being in perpetual discomfort and my body being in fight-or-flight all the time has aged me a ton over the last 2 years. My body nor my mind ever feel rested, I can’t remember the last time I woke up feeling good.

Whenever something like this happens, the moment it happens, I literally feel everything inside me sink. Like I just got into deep trouble as a kid or something, it’s the same feeling. Interesting psychological things there.

[McDude]

That sounds awful. I deal with some back issues myself albeit to a much lesser degree and that is bad enough, so I can only imagine how painful and frustrating and scary your situation must be. Regarding your anxiety about things likely getting worse over time, I hope you are able to find some peace and optimism as your doctors continue to treat you.

When I am feeling hopeless, and I often do, I try to argue against myself with the thought that maybe, just maybe, I am wrong and everything will be okay one way or another. Sometimes this helps me. Sometimes not.

Sending support and empathy. ODAAT.

[TMAC]

Thanks, appreciate your words.

Regarding the 2nd part, I am coincidentally making efforts to train my brain to reflexively do that - rather than wallow in fear, doubt, etc. It has shown improvement in other areas of my life but not in regards to this, not quite yet.

[DanielaJ]

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Constant pain and setbacks like this wear you down in ways most people don’t see. I also experience setbacks because of my condition. It sucks. But coming back is the only way.

That sinking feeling when it happens makes sense — your body has learned that these moments have real consequences. It’s not weakness, it’s experience.

The grief and regret you feel are valid, and you made the best decisions you could with what you knew then. Wanting answers without rushing into more surgery sounds wise.
And also changing your thoughts and strengthen your mind.

Again, I am so sorry. Sending warm hugs along your way!

[TMAC]

I have had a very hard time accepting that - that I made the best decision I could with what I thought I knew at the time. Therapist says it too. I wish I had thought of it the way I look at it now…getting my spine shortened/fused guaranteed that my body, spine, and life will never be the same. Not getting the surgery at least left the potential for me to get back to how I was.

I also have some misdirected anger that nobody in my life sat me down and asked me to really think about it before doing it. Sometimes I get too gung-ho about something and forget to do that. But as an adult it’s not anyones responsibility but my own.

I have an extremely adventurous spirit. I saw it post-sobriety, pre-surgery, and I really can’t embrace it anymore. That part of me feels like it has been squashed by this mental weight. In general I feel as though this has taken many pieces of me over the last few years.

[Mno]

One day off tomorrow. Time for another visit to the dentist. It’s raining, it’s just above freezing. Hope the sludge will be gone before more frost arrives this weekend.

@TMAC

my body being in fight-or-flight all the time

That’s an important point there I feel. Makes me think of my recent trips to the dentist. And how I’ve been able to reflect on my fear of dentists. And how I’ve become less caught in those primal responses in many aspects of my life. Including my near total freeze I experienced in relation to my teeth and dental professionals for many many years. Through the work I engaged in since becoming sober.

And don’t I know that sinking feeling. That feeling like I’m a little kid all over. I recently learned to call that implicit memories expressing themselves. Body and mind are totally intertwined. We need to take care of both. And by working on myself in both psychotherapy and somatic therapy, and to work on pure physical things like my teeth as well I’m slowly getting better. Hope you’ll find the right mix too friend.

[DanielaJ]

It’s incredibly hard to live with a decision that can’t be undone. I’ve been through that in my own life too… If only we could go back in time.

For a long time, I carried the weight of how unfair it felt. I hadn’t done anything wrong, so why did this happen to me? It’s so exhausting. What helped me eventually was trying not to dwell on the past, and instead focusing on what’s possible today, on what I can do now—without constantly comparing it to what came before. Over time, I even found small aspects to be grateful for. I know that’s much easier said than done, and I don’t mean this as advice, I just wanted to share what helped me a little.

I really hope things get easier for you. I hope you have the best therapists supporting you. Please keep me updated on how you’re doing, I care about how things go for you.

[DanielaJ]

Good luck for your dentists appointment! I hope everything will be fine and your dentists will stay connected with you all the time.

Thanks for always sharing pretty pictures! (Now I want to visit Amsterdam… but I know it’s packed with tourists, so I hesitate. Amsterdam definitely doesn’t need another selfie-toting, stroopwafel-eating visitor like me )