Sobriety and relationships, HELP

I’ve been an almost silent observer on this forum lately. I still check in every day, I’m still sober and strong and sure of my sobriety, but I’ve been struggling in other ways. I have been too afraid & unsure of how to express my current struggles so I’ve stayed silent. I figured maybe this was a normal part of rebuilding your life in sobriety and the feelings would be fleeting, but they have not passed yet, only continue to get stronger and I am left seeking advice…

So here’s my situation… I am engaged to be married in 2 months… I have been engaged for a year and a half & together with my fiancé for about 4 years. When my fiancé & I first got together, I was drinking/going out heavily. I also started dabbling in cocaine right around this time. He had known this and would partake occasionally, but at the time it was a “social” thing & not seen as an issue yet… over the course of time & our relationship, both alcohol and cocaine became addictions for me… not for my fiancé, he often told me I needed to slow down and I was starting to develop signs of addiction. I did not listen & things got worse. Until 7 months ago when some shit went down, I was in full blown addiction using almost every/every other day… I hated who I was and the things I had done in my high state to feed my addiction ( including taking money from my fiancé)… I tried to kill myself, he found me & confronted me about my addiction & gave me the ultimatum to get clean or get gone. I got clean. 7 months later I am strong in my sobriety, I have started building myself a new life, new& better job, becoming a better person & I feel like a completely different person… so this all sounds amazing, like what could I possibly have to complain about, right?
The problem lies right there in the fact that I feel like a completely different person. And being a new person, my relationship with my fiancé hasnt prospered. We’ve grown a part, distanced from each other further than we’ve ever been. We dont spend time together or really enjoy each others company when we’re alone. We are never intimate & it feels like we just dont connect with one another anymore. And we’re saying vows to be husband and wife in 2 months, but it feels like we are just roommates.

So my question is if anyone else has been through this? Has anyone gotten themselves sober & found that theyve lost their connection with their significant other? And what did you do? Did you overcome it? If so how? Did you walk away? If so, how did you know that was the right thing to do?

*I’d also like to make it clear that my fiancé doesn’t do drugs. We didn’t lose our connection bc I’m sober & he’s not. He never had an addiction, he did occasionally do drugs as a recreational thing, but he doesn’t now: because he doesnt care to & to support my sobriety.

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So sorry you are going through this. Lemme ask you to consider something: when two perfectly healthy, well-adjusted people meet and become involved the odds that they will grow together and live the rest of their lives together, are slim. Now add in the age of these two people. The younger they are, the less “formed” they are. Like the difference between buying shoes as a 16 yo, vs. 23 yo. The former will out grow them, while the latter wears them out.

Now look at all the other external pressure: school, career, family, finances, values, religion, politics. That anyone makes it to the alter is a miracle.

And of those who do, half will end up divorced within 10 years.

But as we age, become fully formed, mature, etc, the odds get better.

That you are a different person sober than you were using should come as no surprise. If you’ve really grown apart, a white dress and a reception won’t fix it. What I recommend you do is have a frank discussion with him. See how he feels about it. You may mutually decide to fight to save the relationship, postpone the day, or part ways.

Starting a marriage without 100% commitment is like starting a marathon with only one shoe.

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I’ve expressed a few of these same struggles here myself. Been with my wife for almost 11 years, we met at a party, the party continued until we got sober 19 months ago.

It feels like the connection has just diminished over the lasy 19 months, like we are different people and not as compatible as we were.

I don’t have any advice really cause we’re still trying to sort it out. I wouldn’t say nuptials unless you’re 1000% sure that you’ll stay together forever, delay the wedding, stay engaged for a while longer and see how it works out.

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Great words of wisdom from Steve.

Do have a frank talk with your partner. See where you are both at and if you feel like you can move forward positively together. There is no shame in postponing or cancelling the wedding. You both deserve a loving present committed partner who is excited for your future together …if that isn’t where yiu are at, marriage is not going to magically make life together better.

Good for you for asking the tough questions of yourself.

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Going through the exact same. Been sober a year. I barely hangout with my girlfriend. We don’t gel and we are not on the same page. I have no sexual interest in her. Who knows what I am doing. Life can be confusing!! You are not alone. I dont have any advice but just know that your situation is common and I am in the same boat minus the wedding coming up.

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HUGS. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.

I had hoped that by getting sober my husband and I would reconnect but honestly it just hasn’t happened. I, too, feel like we’re just roommates.

But that doesn’t mean things can’t get better. I still have home.

But in your situation I would honestly say don’t get married until you have that connection again. It’s much better to wait than realize it was a mistake.

More hugs!!

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Same situation for myself and my husband - completely lost not sure what is next to be honest.

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Welcome to the forum.

I’m not sure either, but first and foremost I will stay sober. Without sobriety I won’t be any use to myself let alone a life partner.

Firstly, congratulations on the 7 months :muscle: @psequinn… Maintain focus. Secondly, it’s a good thing that your asking yourself the tough questions and I’m also sorry that you are having to do so.
IMO continue to focus on your sobriety but definitely have the ‘talk’ and see where both of you are @ mentally and emotionally in the relationship and from there move on towards mending that connection if that’s what you all decide.
And as everyone else mentioned there’s nothing wrong with holding off until your sure.
#sobrietyrocks :pray:

Hey there,
First and foremost congrats on the clean time,I to struggled with coke and alcohol and I know the damage it causes within a relationship,especially for the partner !

How my wife has stayed with me through the horror and destruction of my using bewilders me !!
My advice,and I must stress this is purely my personal understanding,if you love your partner and he to loves you, “a certificate” by that I mean marriage will make no difference to your future relationship!
I love my wife regardless of a piece of paper,just hold off for the moment if possible and we where you are in six months !

I hope all goes well and truly mean it !
Best wishes

I am so sorry, I don’t really have any advice other than make sure you do what’s best for you and postpone until you know what that is.
I am in the same boat, but we have a young child and that really complicates matters. He won’t do any type of counseling so I am going on my own.
Hugs to you, I know how hard it is. :heart::heart::heart:

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