So, I fucked up. Again and again and again. Last night I was so drunk in woke up my husband to verbally batter him. It wasn’t pretty. I lost all control and reason. My psychiatric meds are already badgering my liver, drinking is basically killing me. Again. I thoughts I deserved a 'blow out ’ after being deeply depressed for weeks. I thought I was only hurting myself, but that’s not true. My power over alchohol doesn’t exist and the pain I cause to those who love me is beyond words. Stopping sounds like the ideal, but I don’t know how.
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Welcome!
This forum has helped me stay sober.
I never had bad intentions when I started drinking. Alcohol brought out the worst in me.
There is a lot of good information and good people for advise and support here.
I’m glad your here. It’s a great way to start. One day at a time.
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Hello,
You have a lot of circumstances: depressing, loosing control,…, but only one problem: alcohol. This is what cause you and all of us every problem.
Starting here and share you thoughts and live is a good begging.
Do not give, just start today. Today it is a question of no drinking in twenty four hours. Tomorrow, who knows?
Best wishes and luck!
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What has helped me in the early days of my recovery was soaking in all the info I could find about my addiction. So I read a lot here, listened to podcasts about recovery and read books about it. Tried all the things I thought that might work. Those who did I kept.
That gave me my own personal toolbox for my recovery. Sober for more then 3 years now.
Make your own 
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I’m sorry to hear this, drinking will make the meds stop working properly altho I’m sure you’ll know this is a vicious cycle, get support here and keep checking in, we can help you, hugs 
also could you get support on addiction via your mental health team?
Have you tried inpatient rehab? There are options here:
You need some help. You’ve been battling this for years and years and years and swinging in and out of using booze.
Rehab, AA, but first just deciding: do you really want to be sober? Is it more important than anything else?
What would you do for something more important than anything else? Like if you were in the desert and you needed water. Would you have trouble keeping yourself focused on finding water? Would anything throw you off?
Do you want this? Really? Or do you just think you should want this?
If you are just kind of wishing you weren’t killing yourself - running away from life, into the numbness and poison of booze - then you need to ask yourself why you think running and hiding is better than living. (Living = facing life on your own two feet and not getting numb and blacked out and escaping.)
What are you hiding from?
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Hey! I’m new to this group but I can totally relate- apparently I wake up my significant other when I’m black out drunk and start talking about who knows what. I have hour long convos with people I call at all hours of the night and I don’t remember a thing 
It’s embarrassing. I feel like crap the next day- I’m so tired of it. I hope you find the strength to know you just don’t want to continue down the path your on- I’m trying with you!
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In the beginning I didn’t know how to not drink. And it got so bad I was okay with dying because I was so beat up inside my head from trying to stop on my own that didn’t ever work.
I finally asked for help because I just didn’t want to drink anymore. I was out of ideas.
So I checked into rehab, stayed 90 and got onto AA. The book & the steps made sense to me and still do. Meetings keep me focused. This place keeps me focused.
All that’s needed in the beginning is a desire to stop drinking. You’re amongst friends with the same disease and there is never shame or guilt with asking for help. I’m so glad you’re here.
Life’s so much better and easier for me on this side. All I know Amy.
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Ok… so… yeah. Firstly, thank you for the replies and I’m sorry it took me so long to come back to this thread. Matt’s right, I’ve been on and off this forum for the better part of 3 years and been struggling with my demons for even longer than that. I’m now 6 days sober… so there’s that.
Last Monday… it got even weirder. After waking up full of regret of my previous night’s drinking I decided to drown it all in more wine. I blacked out… again. Fucked up colosally… again. Ended up in the emergency room (again!) and my stomach had to be pumped because I overdosed on anti-anxiety meds. My family was involved. They all now finally know what a disaster I truly am and what kind of shit my poor husband has been putting up with for… well… since knowing me. My poor mom.
Intense darkness comes out of me and spreads to the few who haven’t washed their hands of my shit yet.
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Really glad you’re still alive Amy. Feel better soon gal.
I can’t tell you when I changed from being a “normie” when it came to drinking. All I know is it did because I just wanted to get messed up each time I drank. No half stepping it was my mode.
And my mantra is the same… nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Maybe the truth is that some of us simply don’t deserve saving.
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You can try to sell that bullshit, but this drunk isn’t buying. That’s our alcoholic mind try to give us an out to keep doing what we’ve been doing.
Deserving of happiness and health? Yes you do.
Hit your bottom yet? I don’t know, but I sure hope so. When we’re done, we are, and not a second sooner.
Booze & benzos (taking a stab here) will lead us to the end real fast. I challenge you to ask for help besides here. Consider an AA meeting, talking about your feelings to your loved ones and about our disease as it relates to you. It helps, it all helps. We don’t have to do this alone.
Hugs to ya Amy
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Everyone deserves saving, even you. Now that your family is involved, you’ll have more support. Dig deep, finally surrender and get the help you need. You can’t do this alone, none of us can. I found that help in IOP and AA. Rooting for you!
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Hey. We all deserve saving, and we all can be saved. I was seconds away from ending my life…I tried sobriety one last time, and I havent regretted it once.
Getting sober is hard, but the early battles are 100% worth it.
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Try to remember how you are feeling now. Write a letter to yourself. Get on a computer if you can and print out what you have written on here. Stash it somewhere safe.
You don’t have to ever feel like this again. Use this feeling to help you get sober.
What are your next steps going to be? Is there an AA meeting near you today? Is rehab an option?
You sound like you need some help. Please reach out and find it. In the meantime, listen to some sobriety podcasts or go outside.
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I can so relate to your situation! I too take anti anxiety medicine and am a drinker. So far I have not had episodes like you have been having but am so close to death I can smell it. Today is my 3rd day off alcohol and marijuana. I am having a rough moment with cravings tonight as I am home alone but am super uncomfortable. I just will not drink or take extra meds to get through this. Like I said, I can smell death in my near future if I don’t stop. Take the advice given in this post.
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I thought that about myself for a very long time. It was so debilitating to hate myself and feel so locked into self destructive behavior. God, I just wanted to die, I was so hopeless. You are not alone in those feelings. Most of us who are here have had them. It is a vicious cycle that just goes round and round til something changes.
I know you want to heal and be healthy. And I know that feels impossible. But it isn’t. Can you get into rehab? Check yourself in somewhere? Start meetings? Idk, but there is always hope. I know it is hard, but digging out of the hole we are in is possible. It takes what it takes. You can’t drink and hope meds work, it just doesn’t work that way. I know, I did the same for years.
I hope you can find that spark inside again and put down the booze. It only takes from you over and over. You deserve better.
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@SassyRocks makes a great point. Shame can be dangerous. Feel it, but dont make it worse by repeating the same pattern.
I have been in this trap, too.
Drink, do something regrettable, hangover, shame.
Drink it to fix hangover and mask feelings of shame. It feels too bad to feel it. Keep drinking. Repeat.
Feel worse about self.
This does not lead anywhere good.
Stop drinking and watch things get better.
And be gentle with yourself. Your brain chemistry is out of whack with alcohol and medicine mixed.
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Hey, how you are doing this week?
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I was ready and had accepted that drinking myself to death was ok and only hurting me. The world was better off without me. Im almost 3 years without a drink or drug now. My life is not perfect but it’s getting better all the time. If you don’t take care of this it will take of you. This placed helped me.
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