So I made it 3 days, then f*d it up today. My DOC are alcohol and Adderall and I’m pretty good at avoiding alcohol as long as I don’t take Adderall. (I don’t urge for the come down if I don’t first go up). I gave boyfriend my scripts so I wouldn’t take them… but I got them filled for the first time in THREE MONTHS bc I am finishing grad school and starting to study for the CPA. I’ve studied the majority of my college career on Adderall but have done without this semester bc I only have one class… and I am also ok at my accounting job without it. But… the CPA without Adderall? That feels like throwing someone into a pool with knowing how to swim. So I refilled. Binged for 4 days. Got drunk for 4 days. Called out of work. Gave them to my boyfriend. And I had to study for a final today and asked for some. Now I’m drinking. Idk if I am more scared off not getting my CPA or screwing my body getting there. I got rid of all my Adderall today. I didn’t give them to my boyfriend. I flushed them all together. I chose health today over fear of career failure. But I’m freaking out on the inside that I’ve worked 10 years to get here and now I might not be able to reel it in. Also I ruined my 3 day streak.
I’m TIRED OF STARTING OVER
And I HATE feeling like I can’t do it without it.
I am glad for your dedication to doing the right thing and kicking your addictions. Entering a career with an addiction to Adderall and alcohol sounds at least as likely to cause career failure as bombing exams would. If you would even fail the exam at all. Who’s to say you can’t do well on the exams without Adderall? And I would suspect in the absolute worst case you can still retake the exam?
Have you asked your doctor about getting prescribed a non-stimulant option? If that’s the case you can still be treated for whatever conditions you may have, with a less addictive substance that don’t have the same kind of abuse potential.
Glad you flushed away the Adderall! Proud of you! You can do without! Yes, it is hard. But most of the negative feeling is that voice saying you can’t do it without it, it’s the addiction voice. But you can! Take it day by day. It will get easier.
I know how it feel, it sucks. But hé, you are doing it! You are working hard to have a better life!
Go get it!
So sorry ro hear that @CassieTheCake. I agree with @ifs entering the job you always wanted with an addiction and a fucked up fysical and mental healt is way worse than failing any examn. With your school experience I know you alredy got all the tools needed to pass,you can do this. Totally agree with @SoberWalker,it your addicting voice talking to you,giving you a reason to still use. Treat yourself good @CassieTheCake-dont take that shit.
Lots of hugs.
Sorry that you read that as rude. I don’t think I missed the point at all. My once-addicted brain would say things like “you served your country in war. You’ve earned the right to get drunk”. For a long time, thoughts like these were used to justify my drinking. I had to realize and accept that I not only had a drinking problem, but a thinking problem as well.
Welcome to the forum. I hope you stay. I hope you decide to be better and then get after getting better.
Adderall and booze were hand-in-hand. I also felt like I could accomplish nothing without adderall, and that the world was tremendously dull without it. I felt so “enhanced” when taking it. Hell, there are still moments that I wish I had it. No lie. And, at night, I would drink.
I know that if I don’t take adderall, I will not drink, because I don’t want to. Adderall makes me crave a drink so hard. So, I stay away from both because I know that one inevitably leads to the other.
What worked for me, the only thing that worked, was to eliminate my source: my doctor. No, I didnt kill him. I was honest with him, and I requested that he “blacklist me” (my words) from receiving prescription amphetamine. Taking away my own source was the only way for me, and you may want to consider it as a next step.
It might feel like you can’t get things done without adderall, and for a week or two, it could be rough going. For me, the first 7-10 days I felt so stupid…no motivation etc, but you can get through it. Then I started getting better. You can be successful and accomplished without it, it just takes time to get back to “normal”. Wrestling through that time is worth it.
Thanks. After failing several times to regulate my usage, to go back to taking my RX as prescribed, and setting usage “rules” for myself that kept being broken – it was the next logical step, as I became aware that I no longer had control. There’s no going back once you take that leap, and I had to do it.
I has to do something similar. I completely ditched my psychiatrist and primary care doctor. My new psychiatrist and therapist gets all the information for any doctor I’m going to see. The Urgent Care I go to whenever I need to has a blacklist warning on my records. No benzos! Like @Mephistopheles, I didn’t think I could survive anything without them. It was a tough battle. Hell, it still is a lot of days. But benzos means I can drink, and drinking means benzos. In some really weird way I feel very blessed that I went through what I did those first few months of sobriety. I have no idea how I made it through! I don’t think I could ever make it through again! So the answer becomes simple. Do or die.
@CassieTheCake, start practicing now. I play a lot of strategy games on my computer to help stretch my brain, to help push it harder in dealing with problem solving and mentally stressful situations. Maybe start hard core studying without Adderal to push yourself. Early on in my recovery I did a lot of exposure therapy. Basically I put myself in hard situations to experience them without benzos and alcohol. It’s hard as fuck, but the results are indisputable. You can do this! Imagine starting your new life, your new profession, completely sober! You won’t have to deal with the triggers and cravings that come with going to the same job you did when using. What I wouldn’t give for that to be the case!
